Although I don’t spend much time on the internet these days, one of my weaknesses is watching home tours on YouTube or Netflix.
I just love a good before/after reveal or a dream home tour — especially if it’s any type of farmhouse. 🥰
I recently watched a tour of a massive home renovation with so many cool (but completely unnecessary) bells and whistles… and I couldn’t help but smirk when the homeowner continued to mention all the things they apparently “couldn’t afford”.
Honestly, you renovated a multi-million dollar mansion and you want me to believe you “can’t afford” to upgrade the finish of your kitchen faucets?
I don’t think so!
Every time I hear a ridiculous statement like that, I’m reminded of my commitment to never say: “we can’t afford that”.
You might think that sounds like a silly commitment — after all, it’s just one little phrase, and certainly, we can’t actually afford to buy EVERYTHING we see or like or want.
Right?
As a quick reminder: I’m self-employed and work very part-time, and my husband is a Christian school teacher… so you can rest assured that we do not have access to unlimited financial resources. 😂
Even still, I’m committed to (almost) never saying “We can’t afford that”.
Here’s why…
Reason #1 = It’s not true.
Think of all the times you blurt out “we can’t afford that” as a response to something you don’t want to spend money on.
Now consider… is it actually true?
- Do you truly not have $20 to go out for lunch with a friend?
- Will your bank account actually be overdrawn if you buy those expensive shoes for your child?
- Do you legitimately not have enough funds for that weekend getaway?
- What about the $3 treat in the grocery checkout lane your kids are begging for?
- Or the pricey new handbag your friend is urging you to buy?
My guess is you actually do have enough money to cover the expenses I listed above.
The real truth is you simply don’t want to use your money in that way — it’s your CHOICE, and you’d rather choose something different.
This is not bad or wrong… simply a choice.
The point I want to make is that you technically CAN afford it… so don’t keep lying to yourself (and the others around you) by saying that you can’t.
Reason #2 = It’s not healthy.
I won’t pretend to know all the fancy technical terms to describe the way our brains are wired… but I’ve read enough books and had enough life experience to know that our brains are extremely powerful organs.
Our brains can be “trained” and “programmed” — either positively or negatively — and negative thinking totally messes with our brains.
“Brains get good at what they do. Negative thoughts create ‘channels’ in your brain. This way of thinking can become your default. If you do a lot of negative thinking, you wire your brain to be good at producing negative thoughts. Your brain also gets good at seeing things to think negatively about.
One of the many byproducts of negative thinking is stress, which then leads to more negative thinking. “
source
So, if we’re constantly thinking or talking about all the things we “can’t afford” (or telling our children we can’t afford certain things) we’re essentially programming our brains with negative thoughts regarding our finances.
These negative thoughts can cause unnecessary stress in our lives… which can then lead to even more negative thinking (often about more than just our finances).
It’s a vicious cycle that isn’t healthy for us or for our family, and it’s not easy to stop.
Reason #3 = It’s not stewardly.
Dave and I are quite frugal, but I honestly don’t think we’re cheap or stingy.
That said, it’s much easier to become stingy when we adopt a scarcity mindset, thinking about all the things we supposedly “can’t afford”.
By changing the way we think and talk about our finances and acknowledging that we have a CHOICE in how we save, spend, or give, we become better stewards of our resources.
We are more likely to save instead of spend when something isn’t really necessary.
We are more likely to enjoy a fun splurge as a special treat instead of grudgingly thinking about how much money we’re “wasting”.
And we are more willing to give generously, especially considering none of “our” money is truly ours to begin with (let that thought sit with you for a bit).
A Few Alternative Responses:
I realize there are some things in life we truly can’t afford – although, thanks to credit cards and bank loans, those things are few and far between (if you’re willing to acquire debt).
For all the things you actually CAN afford but just don’t want to spend money on, here are a few alternative responses:
- That’s not in the budget for us right now.
- It’s just not important enough for me to dole out the cash.
- Maybe another time, but not today.
- Let me think about it for a bit. (leave the time frame open-ended)
- We could purchase that, but then we wouldn’t be able to purchase _________.
- We can buy ________ or _________, but we won’t do both today.
- Let’s put it on your birthday/Christmas list. (especially good for kids)
- That’s not how I’d choose to spend my money right now.
I realize how insignificant it might feel to simply change one statement; however, I’ve noticed so many benefits in my own life over the last 15+ years of refusing to say “We can’t afford that”.
By simply changing the way I phrase things (and the way I think about our financial situation), I feel more empowered, more proactive, more positive, and more motivated.
That attitude and mindset definitely transfer over to our kids too.
My hope is that our children will see money as a tool they can choose to use in many different ways (for good or for evil). That they will feel empowered to make wise financial choices. And that they will see the benefits of giving generously, even when money feels “tight”.
There really is no one “wrong way” to spend or save or give — it depends so much on personal preferences.
However, in my opinion, there is a “wrong way” to talk about our finances… and I, for one, am committed to (almost) never say: “We can’t afford that”.
RELATED READING: Why I almost never say “I don’t have time”.
I’d love to know your thoughts on this too!
Tina says
Yes, I agree with you! If you’ve ever been around somebody, even a good friend that says that they can’t afford to visit you then you find out they did all kinds of other things so it’s not about affording it, it’s about what they want to spend their money on and it would go down a lot better if they just said I have a few things I’m spending my money on and I don’t have that in the budget right now so while I’d like to come for a visit, I already have my heart set on these other things first. You would feel more respected and not lied to….
Andrea says
exactly — well said, Tina!
Rachel says
I completely agree! My dad always said his goal was to have enough money to buy anything we want but not everything we want and that’s what I aspire to as well. I am fairly frugal but I never say I can’t afford something – I just chose not to spend on certain things.
My husband grew up in “poor” family but his lived experience was very similar to my middle class upbringing. We both had modest holidays and always had clothes and food. But he used to approach money by “spending it before it was gone” instead of me who saved and spent when I felt like it. It took a long time for him to stop “feeling poor” even though our spending now is exactly the same as it’s always been – but I now he doesn’t feel his choices as determined by “being poor” – they’re just choices.
Time, money, and stuff are all choices and I love your posts that talk about this!
Andrea says
Yes, It’s amazing what difference our thought process and mindset can have over how we perceive our wealth! Interesting story — thanks for sharing 🙂
MJ says
I just did this exercise while talking with my husband about a book club I’m in. The book cost isn’t the issue, it’s the other factors. It would be easy to say I couldn’t afford it, but it’s not the money…
Can I afford the $12.99 book, yes. Do I want to buy another book that I then have to get rid of just so I can read it, no. By the way it’s a book I can’t find at the library or online to borrow. Even a used copy is $10.
The small burdens that go along with that make it an easier decision for me. Besides, I have a Bible study, a nonfiction, and fiction book in process.
Andrea says
yes — all those “non monetary expenses” add up too — time, energy, etc. etc.
Rose Huddleston says
I really enjoyed this blog. It made me think of the way I choose to speak about purchases. I hadn’t really considered that it would be a negative thought and that it might impact my brain and my family. I wish I had heard about this when I was raising our children but I can
change the habit of having the mindset of scarcity or feeling that I don’t have enough. Thank you.
Andrea says
Thanks Rose!
Just look forward and make changes that will positively affect your future!
Anna Marie says
I’ve made the same decision to never say I was lucky or fortunate. I don’t believe in luck or good fortune. Now I say I was blessed or that God gave me grace. Just that change of speech helps me to recognize that the good God has an active part in my life and I am not the recipient of blind capricious luck. Good article.
Andrea says
Yes.. that’s great Anna Marie!
I had a softball coach who never said “lucky” either — that was the first time I remember someone committing to not say something and it intrigued me (I was in college). I still remember that!
Ember says
I love this–all about changing language to the positive and powerful. For example: Instead of saying “I forgot to get something” I say “I just remembered!” It changes your focus on what is in your power. You take ownership and you validate your worth. Bravo. Great article!
Andrea says
That’s a great example! Thanks for sharing this, Ember!
amy says
Wow, I like how you applied this verbal change into a mind set change and then used it in so many areas of your life. If it was critical or more important to a person, and everyone has different priorities and those change through life, there are many things we could make time for, use our money on, or choose to do.
Andrea says
it sounds almost “too simple” but just changing how we talk makes a huge difference (for us and those around us)
Lisa says
My alternative phrase is “we didn’t budget for that.” It doesn’t mean we couldn’t have or won’t in the future, but it’s just not an option today.
Michele C says
Love this! I am always saying the same thing to our kids. So many people say thy can’t afford something and it is just a matter of priorities. The same with time. Stop making excuses and take charge of your decisions. I tell my kids we are not spending on certain things because we try to be good stewards of what God has given us and focus on the things that are important to us.
Bridget Schober says
I was just going to comment about how “I don’t have time” can be used the same way. We all have the same hours in a day but are choosing to use them differently. I’m a knitter and people will sometimes see me knitting on a plane or something like that and say that they don’t have time to do something like that. And then they watch two hours of movies on the plane. I like movies too but I did t have more time then they did, just used it differently.
Andrea says
haha — YES! That’s why I included the link to that post at the end. I always need to bite my tongue when someone complains about “not having enough time” b/c we all have the same amount of time and, for the most part, we have control over how we spend that time (even if it’s at a job — you could always quit the job to make more time). I know this isn’t the case 100% of the time, but in general, people (myself included at times) waste a lot of time on silly things and then are always running late and rushed for time.
adrienne says
I like this post. I also think its important to say no to our kids when they want something. We can say, its not in the budget this month. I also think we can be honest with our kids when it comes to our spending choices. My kids asked why we don’t have all the movie channels anymore. I told them, would you rather have movie channels or that special Xmas gift. I explained to them that now that I am a SAHM, we live off one income which means sacrifices. The perks are, I can attend their school and sporting functions without having to request time off.
Andrea says
Yes, exactly! I have NO issue with saying “no” or “not now” I just hate it when grownups complain about “not being able to afford” going out to lunch or something small that certainly they could actually afford if it was really a priority for them.
Debbi King says
This is an awesome article and so true. Most of us can always afford (find a way) to get what we want. Personal finance is very personal and different for everyone. Our coaching firm is totally about empowering you to do what works for you. Thanks for sharing!
Bob at MoreMoneyThanMonth.com says
Terrific post. This is so important. I think one of the reasons many people fail to budget is because they think if they have a budget then it will keep them from having any fun. But the truth is a proper budget is absolutely the opposite. It’s about prioritizing what I really want to spend my money on so that I can get what really matters most to me. I can have anything I want, but I can’t have everything. What do I really want most? I think if people can just get that concept internalized it changes everything.
Mel says
I like this article! I try to say to me children…”I’d rather spend my money on something else.” instead of saying we can’t afford it.