Before you flippantly agree to another request, or continually make the excuse that you just “don’t have time”, stop and consider these questions!
As parents, grandparents, friends, and neighbors, our days are often overflowing with people who need us, opportunities to get involved, events to help with, committees to join, and so many good and worthy causes to support.
Because our hearts are generous and we do usually desire to be helpful, our first instinct is often to say “yes.” After all, helping feels right. It’s what we do.
But sometimes, in our eagerness to serve and support, we forget that our time and energy are limited gifts.
We forget that every “yes” means saying “no” to something else.
We forget that we can have boundaries and be intentional with our time without closing ourselves off or refusing to help with anything ever again.
Now, if you’re looking for a free pass to say “no” to everything you don’t feel like doing, this is not the place for you (read this instead 😂). However, if you’re looking for a few simple tips to be more intentional with your time, you’ve come to the right place!
As someone who has said “yes” a WHOLE LOT, I can’t stress enough the importance of choosing your “yeses” with care and stating your “nos” with confidence.
Learning to find a healthy balance isn’t always easy, though. It often takes wisdom, courage, and practice to pause before saying “yes” to every opportunity that comes your way or making the overused excuse that you “don’t have time”.
The questions below might help…
1. Am I excited or passionate about this?
Are you super excited to get involved with your child’s school? Do you feel passionate about a committee in your church or local community? Are you eager to host the next family party?
If so, this might be a great opportunity for you… but I suggest a brief pause while you consider the other questions before immediately saying “yes”.
Whether it’s a house project, a school activity, a church committee, or even a new weight-loss or exercise plan, we’re much more likely to work diligently and succeed if we’re fueled by excitement and passion versus guilt or a sense of duty.
A Word of Caution…
Just because you aren’t excited to do something doesn’t automatically mean you shouldn’t do it. For example, if there’s a one-time sign-up for something at school that would take 30 minutes and just needs another adult, it might be something you can handle even if you’re not excited and at capacity. However, if it’s a year-long commitment for something you know you’ll hate, that’s a completely different story.
2. Do I have the skills to do this well?
Do you have good leadership skills? Then heading up that committee at school might be in your wheelhouse.
Are you a pro at listening? You might be a great mentor for that local outreach program.
Do you love to cook and bake? Then set up a meal train or head up the local cookie exchange.
Are you a good “connector”? If so, you might be a great volunteer coordinator or room parent.
Do you enjoy cleaning and organizing? I’m sure there are plenty of opportunities for you to utilize these skills!
When we already have the skills to do something, the whole process is more fun, more rewarding, more efficient, and more enjoyable — a.k.a. a lot less effort and dread.
A Word of Caution…
There are seasons of life when we should push ourselves and look for growth opportunities (you know I’m an advocate of life-long learning). Don’t let the lack of a specific skill prevent you from trying something you feel excited about or want to grow into.
3. Is this the best season of life?
If you feel discouraged because you can’t seem to make the time for the things you used to enjoy, it might just be the season of life you’re in right now… possibly a season of different “yeses” and “nos”.
On the flip side, if you have extra hours, energy, or bandwidth, this might be a season when you take on a few more commitments and lighten the load for someone else.
We all have different capacities, too. Resist comparing yourself to someone you think is in the same season, as they likely have any number of other variables at play. They might have a more or less helpful spouse, children who sleep better or worse, more or less financial freedom to hire tasks out (giving them more free time), or a more or less demanding job.
Our seasons and capacity constantly change over time, so reevaluate them regularly as new opportunities or activities present themselves.
A Word of Caution…
If you continually find time for fun things (sporting events, vacations, gatherings with friends and families, reading, watching TV, exercising, date nights, etc.) but are always maxed out and too busy when it comes time to volunteer at school or church, you may be using your “busy season of life” as an excuse to avoid doing things you simply don’t want to do.
4. Does this need me?
There will likely be situations in your life when you are not excited or passionate about something (#1) and acknowledge that it is not the best season for you (#3)… but even still, you say “yes” because you have the necessary skills (#2) and you know the group/project/event needs your help.
Many of you have also likely encountered situations when you are not the most skilled (#2), but no one else is stepping up, and you feel called to get involved so a particular program or event doesn’t die off.
While I still encourage you to honestly answer the first 3 questions, I also encourage you to consider the 4th before making a final decision.
Would this particular group, project, event, function, or organization hugely benefit from your involvement? And would your involvement be much more beneficial than any other adult?
There is certainly a time and place to say “yes” when you feel called to step up, even if you answer “no” to the questions above.
A Word of Caution…
Just because no one else steps up doesn’t automatically mean it’s your problem to solve. People will always ask for more time, more energy, more money, more commitment… that doesn’t mean you need to compromise your values or jeopardize your health to please others.
Remember, you are your own best advocate, and you do have a choice. Trust your gut instincts and know that a “yes” or “no” today doesn’t mean “yes” or “no” forever.
Pausing to consider these important questions will help you put any new requests for your time in perspective and allow you to honestly evaluate whether saying “yes” or “no” is the best answer for you, for your family, for your current season of life, and for your own health and sanity.
Nancy says
This is off the subject but I am doing the “wash your face with oil” and my favorite thing is it’s so easy. There’s no water water everywhere, I make such a mess. And no residual mascara raccoon eyes in the morning.
Andrea says
yay — love that the oil cleansing method is working for you. We’ve been using it for 14 years now!
Jennifer says
Such good thoughts. It’s difficult to wait on those seasons of life to pass sometimes. I’m such a dreamer and planner, so it’s my own wishes and desires I go through these questions about.
Andrea says
yup, I can totally relate to that too. There are so many things I think would be super fun or cool to do (with our family, with our house, with our yard, with my business) but Dave usually “reels me back in” and helps me think through how much of an extra time commitment these “fun and cool things” would require! 🙂
An Ony says
You could be a counselor. My husband’s grandparents were missionaries, and in the name of ministry put their children on the back burner. As a mom, my first ministry is to my husband and children. And I have no apologies for that and guard my roles like it’s my job–because it is. Our church did a program called PLACE, and I’ll never forget the teacher’s words: If you KNOW God is NOT calling you to do something, don’t let someone saying. “Well we are praying you’ll do it!” manipulate you. They are not the Holy Spirit! If God has a, “No!” for you, He has a “Yes!” for someone else. And if He doesn’t, then it wasn’t meant to be then or possibly ever!” That gave me so much freedom!!!
I have also seen behind the scenes where people were so burnt out and felt like they were giving their families the leftovers. That’s not fair to them or their families.
Your post encouraged me so much and gave so much needed affirmation!!!
Becky says
For me an equally important question is, “what am I saying no to?” Whenever I say yes to a time commitment, it means I am saying no to doing other things with that time. Realizing what I am saying no to can help with the discernment process.
Bonnie'sMama says
Running a possible commitment past my husband is always a good idea for me. Sometimes I want to do something so badly or I’m trying to please someone or I feel guilty or pressured, but the truth is I do not need any big (and very few small) commitments right now! He doesn’t like to see me overwhelmed and crabby, and he helps me stay realistic about my time.
And I love the look of patient resignation on Dave’s face in that picture! Such a good dad, willing to wear the silly Dr. Seuss hat or have his children put hair clips all through his hair or some of the other things you’ve shown him patiently enduring.
Andrea says
yes, this is a good tip too — Dave is always very quick to “talk me out of” an activity or event when he knows I’ll regret it later!
And yes, Dave is the essence of patience 🙂
Jennifer says
I just wanted to say that I highly recommend reading When your child is 6-12 that you mentioned in your email newsletter. I have a 9 year old and I’ve read the book a few times because I think it’s that good! You always have the best recommendations.
Thank-you!
Andrea says
yay — glad you also liked that book. It’s so short, I try to re-read it every 6-9 months right now!
Janice says
Great evaluation!
Melinda says
Thank you for writing this post.