To say that my little girl loves her mama is such a huge UNDER-exaggeration, it’s almost funny… almost!
I’ve alway been a very independent person, and growing up, I would often say that I NEVER wanted to have “clingy” children. I wanted my kids to be able to easily play with other kids, to love having a baby sitter (we had amazing baby sitters growing up and really did love them), and to look forward to time away from Mom and Dad.
And while I know Nora is not quite 2 years old yet and still has a lot of growing up to do, her ultra-clingy, needs-her-mama-ALL-the-time personality has made these last 2 years pretty challenging for my overly-independent self.
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Life with Nora has been a struggle for me from the moment she was born.
In fact, I can still vividly remember laying in my hospital bed that first night. She was hardly even 12 hours old when the nurse brought her to me saying, “we can’t get her to stop crying; I think you should just hold her for a bit.”
The moment Nora reached my arms, she stopped crying… and although I was exhausted, I remember feeling such a huge sense of pride that my baby “knew” her mama.
And then the same thing happened the 2nd night in the hospital. I was so tired from not sleeping much the night before, and I could tell the nurse felt horrible — but Nora just would not stop crying.
Then we took Nora home, and after relentlessly trying to “force” her to sleep in her crib, in her swing, in her carseat, or in her bouncy chair, we quickly realized that everyone slept a whole lot better if I slept on the couch with Nora on my chest (and to this day, that is still one of the easiest ways to get her to sleep.)
She’s even figured out how to adjust and make room for the new baby 🙂
Over the next many months, I came to realize that Nora was one “special” baby. She loved her mama more than most babies — and not necessarily in the cute cuddly way you might all be envisioning.
Picture endless screaming any time I left her with Dave or with her grandparents for short periods of time. Picture violent fits any time I took a shower, went to the bathroom, or even left the room while she was awake (even if another grownup was playing with her).
Neither Dave nor I had much parenting experience (a.k.a. we had NO idea what we were doing) but it didn’t take long for us to realize that her behavior was NOT normal — especially as she got older and nothing seemed to improve.
We tried getting involved in a couple play groups, interacting with some neighbor kids, and inviting other kids over to our house; but Nora would just freak out and cling to me the entire time.
We tried regularly leaving her for very short periods of time with close family and friends; but we would always come home to a snotty nosed baby who was so exhausted from screaming, that after a while, I didn’t enjoy myself when I was out. Thankfully I’m a major home-body so I didn’t feel trapped staying at home — at least in the beginning.
It was so bad that we couldn’t even put her in nursery at church because her screaming was disruptive for the other kids and super overwhelming for the adults.
Yes, this cute little face is only THAT happy when she’s with me 🙂
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After 17 months of almost never being away from Nora for more than a couple hours (and starting to feel like I was literally going insane, losing my whole identity, and failing miserably at parenting) I learned about a new therapy program that was much more economical than our current therapy program and much closer to home.
We started the following week and one of the first things the therapist told me was that Nora was SUPER high-needs and had major sensory issues.
Seriously, I had talked with numerous doctors and therapists and no one had ever told me this before.
Our new therapist sent me a link to an article: 12 Features of a High Need Baby — and I read the entire thing nodding and saying “yes”, “yes”, “yes!”
If you don’t feel like reading the entire article, I’ll sum it up for you — High Need babies are NOT like other babies.
They are (as the article states) intense, hyper-active, demanding, and completely draining.
They feed frequently (like ALL the time!) and awake frequently.
They are unsatisfied, unpredictable, unable to self-sooth, and super sensitive.
They require constant attention, they don’t like to be put down, and they have severe separation anxiety.
So for those of you who know Nora — or for those of you who have read my blog posts about her and about motherhood these past 2 years — does any of this sound familiar?
It’s like that article was written specifically to describe Nora!
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I hardly finished the article before I yelled for Dave to come read it too. We looked at each other after he finished reading it, and it was like a light bulb went off.
We hadn’t royally messed up. We hadn’t ruined our child. We hadn’t failed in our desperate attempts to implement the (mostly) well-meaning suggestions from friends, family, doctors, therapists, and parenting books.
After 17 months (and for the FIRST time since Nora was born) we finally realized that we were not horrible parents. We just had a “horrible” child 🙂 (said in jest, but also kind of true!)
While Dave and I breathed two humongous sighs of relief, I continued to scour the internet for more information about high-need babies — and of course, we continued our therapy program.
After two more therapy sessions (with homework in between) we could already tell a big difference. The difference was so obvious that our therapist told us to take a couple months off (yes, after just 3 sessions total) and just work on the homework exercises she gave us over the summer.
So for the past couple months, we’ve been rubbing and massaging Nora’s skin with a special “brush”, and Nora has been listening to special music on her headphones — isn’t she cute!
These homework assignments might sound like nothing — and yes, they are super easy to do — but I can’t tell you the difference they are already making in our lives.
There is a light at the end of this long tunnel!
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These are the changes we’ve noticed in just 3 short months:
1. Almost immediately, she started taking daily naps (she never took naps before). It’s still not great, but I’ll take 30-45 minutes over nothing any day!
2. She cries SO much less — around us and around others.
3. She was able to stay home with Dave for large chunks of the day this summer without getting anxious or crying for hours — this might sound ridiculous, but it’s a big accomplishment for us.
4. At 18 months, she finally started accepting people food without throwing up or freaking out (she refused all baby food, people food, formula, and even breast milk from a bottle before this).
5. She finally stopped nursing completely after 21 very VERY long months (this is a long story for another day, but I did write about it eventually.)
6. At 19 months, she made it through her very first church nursery with no tears!
7. At 20 months, she sat on my grandparent’s laps voluntarily (she’s been scared of them since birth)
8. She has let Dave put her to bed twice now — which means there is hope that I will eventually be able to attend evening functions like meetings and social events (if anyone ever invites me out again!)
9. As of a month ago, she is now OK with Dave comforting her in the middle of the night — which means we can share the sleeplessness for a change 🙂
10. She has been more willing to play by herself and much more willing to interact with other kids (as long as I’m still around)
11. She willingly and excitedly plays with our 9th grade neighbor girl (who loves babies) even if Dave and I are inside or in a different part of the yard.
I realize that those of you with “normal” kids must think we are absolutely insane (believe me, sometimes we feel insane) but this is huge, HUGE progress for Nora and for us.
Although we still have a long way to go (like the fact that she still wakes up several times EVERY SINGLE night), just knowing that we’re making continual positive improvement is so reassuring.
I finally feel like I can live my life (or at least a few hours of my life) without worrying over how difficult Nora is being for Dave, for our parents, or for a babysitter.
I no longer have horrible dreams about what Dave would do if something ever happened to me.
I no longer have tons of anxiety about Sunday mornings, family gatherings, or outings with friends.
I no longer feel completely trapped and suffocated.
I no longer feel like I have to do everything alone — Dave can FINALLY help with childcare, mealtimes, and late nights.
I don’t think I have to tell any of you how amazing it feels!
So with a 2nd surprise baby on the way, I can’t help but wonder if he or she will be super high needs like Nora, or if we’ll actually get to experience what it’s like to have a “normal” infant in the house.
Of course I hope that our next child will not be a high need baby — but if he/she is, I know it will be easier than it was with Nora. We’ll be able to detect the signs, we’ll start therapy MUCH earlier, and (most importantly) we won’t feel like complete parenting failures for 17 long months.
Yes, our little girl is healthy, happy (most of the time), cuter than cute, and full of life. She makes us laugh all the time — and I mean REALLY laugh. I also realize that compare to some families, our “issues” are teeny tiny. I suppose it’s just different when you’re living it every day (and every night!)
I’d never give Nora back… but sometimes I wish we could have those first 17 months of her life back to do over again.
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After reading this post, if you feel like you might have a high need baby, please know that there is NOTHING you did or didn’t do to make your child that way. Also, don’t be afraid to ask questions and seek help — I can’t tell you what a transformation our therapy program has made in our lives!
Shannon says
Congrats to all of you on these big steps!!! I can only imagine how nice it is for you to be able to get out of the house for longer periods of time … and know she’s not screaming and so unhappy! You are both wonderful parents – enjoy this hard fought progress!
Heidi says
My SIL has the male version of your sweet girl. I am so happy your family is doing better, I have seen first hand how trying it is when you try everything. I commend you on being able to keep up your business while raising a high-needs child, my SIL works FT from home too and I am in awe of both of you!
Andrea says
Thanks Heidi — and honestly, although it’s been tough to work full time, do the house projects, and take care of Nora, I knew I just HAD to keep trying to live parts of my life normally otherwise I WOULD go insane. Work and house projects are kind of my “outlet” right now — for example, I can’t even tell you how fabulous it feels for me to have all these comments (and Facebook messages and emails) from people who can relate to me. At this point, I don’t know anyone personally (friends, family, etc) who have a high-need child, so no one can really understand and that’s frustrating. It’s amazing to have a community of moms who really “get it” and I know they’re not just commenting to be nice 🙂
Heidi says
My SIL has the same philosophy about doing projects to stay sane, it works well for her too! I think seeing her non-parental accomplishments helps keep her spirits buoyed when her lil man is having an extra rough patch — making progress in SOME part of life helps make the trying times better. He is about 6 months older than Nora and when he turned 2 he started making real progress toward not needing to be on/near her ALL the time. I think it has gotten better as he continues to develop a sense of self. It is so hard to get other people to really understand the mental and physical effort involved. Hang in there hon! You are doing a wonderful job! ;D
Debby says
So happy for all of you that the therapy is working. I have shared many times with you how much Nora reminds me of my second daughter. She was always attached to me also, but my saving grace was that she was happy in social situations with her older sister. So she never went to the nursery at church, she went to the three year old class with her sister and so on all the way to the kindergarten. Good luck
Allison, says
I just had to chime in to offer you a little hope. I have three children (5, 3.5 and 10 months), the oldest of whom has been in PT and then OT for sensory issues. He certianly didn’t have the extent of sensory sentivity that Nora has, but had problems with noise, food temperature, balance, and just incredibly AWFUL coping skills when he was so overloaded with the sensory things. Like your family, pediatricians, social services, etc didn’t pick up on it for the longest time.
Once we finally started the therapy (including the strange and magical brushing!), so many things changed for us-including my ability to parent without anger/exhaustion/helplessness. He’s now an extremely successful kid starting his 2nd year of preschool. He’s old enough to be learning some coping strategies and successfully employ them most of the time!
Our younger children don’t show any signs of sensory sensitivity, although the 3.5 year old is also learning to listen to his body and mind, and “take a break” when he needs to. Good advice for everyone in life. Hang in there and don’t be afraid of the years to come. So glad you found the answers.
Marilyn says
I have one of these children too…but mine is now 29+. I always said “I was in shock” for 3 long years (there’s 21 months between my first and my “high needs child” and then 3 1/2 years between my “high needs” child and my next child.) I ddin’t know what hit me back then. So I always say I was in shock for those 3 years…I know exactly what you’re talking about!!
Heart and Haven says
It sounds like you’re doing a wonderful job as a mom! You’ve been persistent in trying to find the root causes of Nora’s issues (ie. sleeping, eating, behavioral) and have been diligent at finding ways to best help her. Great job! 🙂
Leslie H says
Thank you for this information. I know a young mom or two who are in situations like this, and have struggled as you have. I will be happy to pass on this info for their encouragement.
I’m so happy for you that you are not feeling like a bad parent anymore! AND that Nora is getting some great therapy that is helping her enjoy her life as well.
And congratulations on Baby#2! Blessings on you all!
Bridget says
You’re doing a great job, mama! Babies (and adults!) are all different, do what works for you and your family. She knew what she needed and she needed you to help her calm and settle. So glad you found a therapy that helps and there are some great books about high needs children.
Daniele @ Domestic Serenity says
You’ve described in detail our 2nd daughter, who is now 15. She wouldn’t go to anyone else, church nursery, her dad, etc. until she was about 2 yrs old! I can relate to your exhaustion. She is such a lovely, wonderful young lady now – and we talk & laugh about those early toddler & preschool years. Glad the therapy is working for you!!
Thanks for sharing your story…
Susan says
WOW! You are an even more amazing woman than I already knew. And I don’t even know you personally! You are so humble in it all, and it amazes me how you are able to prioritize every situation/part of your life in the exact way that you know is best for you at the time. You may be the most level-headed woman I know, and I hope you are reaping the benefits of success in your personal and business life!
Joy says
Hi Andrea,
I’ve followed your blog for a while now. Congratulations on your growing family. I am the mother of five and our fourth child has autism with severe sensory issues. Many, many times I prayed to just make it through the day (or night). I was so overwhelmed and a friend reminded me that God does not make mistakes. Everything happens for a reason. My son is now 3 years old and is in a wonderful special needs preschool. He also receives sensory focused therapy, brushing, etc,…. He now sleeps through most nights or wakes and goes back to sleep by himself. Not every day or night is great, but they do get better. And, our fifth child (18 months) is a more “typical” child without the issues his older brother has.
Five4FiveMeals says
Andrea thank you for sharing. My son is not high needs but he is speech and social and emotionally delayed. We have in home therapy and it has made our lives better now that he can communicate more.
You are a great mom. I know you know that. But you are also Nora’s hero simply because you stepped away from the situation and made the brave step to get help.
Kristin says
Thank you for sharing. I think I have/had a mild high needs baby, he’s now three and much better, but I like to say for three years I haven’t slept. It’s mostly true. I already had a perfect two year old when he was born and I just assumed that second children were tough and also attributed it to him being a boy. I didn’t realize until now that not sleeping all night ever is not normal. At 3 and a half he still wakes multiple times a night and tries to sleep with me. As an infant he would only nap for short spurts and he had to be held by either me or my husband. He had more of an attachment to dad because he stays home with him, at first. He ran out to get Tylenol at Walgreens one night, and my son stood at the front door screaming for the full 20 minutes he was gone even though I was right there. Now he is more attached to me. Wants to sleep with me, wants me to hold him, wants me to take him to the bathroom, etc. We also could not drop him off at the church nursery for almost a year because he would scream and cry the entire time. Now he loves pre-school and Sunday school, is mostly independent but I still see signs from time to time. Next time we have a pedi appointment I’m going to mention his not sleeping again.
Shelly says
I’m right there with you on the sleeping issues. My five year old still doesn’t sleep throught the entire night. I have him on Melatonin and a few hours at a time seem to be all he needs. It’s definitely hard on the rest of the family.
Andrea says
We tried Melatonin 3 different times for Nora and it actually made things a lot worse for us. I was SO excited to get it in the mail after ordering it from a friend’s suggestion… and SO disappointed that it didn’t work.
Renee says
Oh, I know *exactly* what you are talking about. My oldest was the same way. I too, felt like I must be doing something wrong. Adalia didn’t even like her own dad until she was about two years old. She is now 17, and everything I could hope for in a daughter. I am the mother to 14 children and have had *several* of these special ones. Rest assured, they do outgrow it.
Pamela says
Andrea,
I admire your courage, honesty, and strength! Thanks for sharing your struggles with Nora and for educating countless mothers throughout the process. I had an extremely difficult time with my first child too — I had never heard of “high needs”, but I definitely called her “high maintenance”!!! Child #2 was very different, and much easier.
Hugs to you. You’re a fantastic parent, and always have been. It’s such a learning process isn’t it?!? Prayers that God will continue to bless your work, your parenting, and your life.
Chalyse Meiklejohn says
I’m praying baby #2 isn’t high needs and you can experience raising a “normal” baby the “normal” way – if there is a “normal” way! But you know what I mean. 😉
Chalyse Meiklejohn says
Oh and I guess I never realized just how difficult having Nora be this way was. I know you’ve mentioned her lack of naps but I didn’t realize how serious it was! Thank you for being so blunt so we could understand.
Andrea says
Well, it’s pretty discouraging to talk about when your in the middle of it and still feeling so lost. I feel much more confident talking about the issues now that we’re actively working to correct them AND seeing real-life progress.
Chalyse Meiklejohn says
That’s great!
Jennifer says
My 3rd baby born in 1997 was a lot like Nora. She definitely had hyper sensitity issues. She was shy, extremely attached to me and very easily bothered by everything. Today, she is a beautiful, confident and extremely gifted musician and writer. Her sensitivities transferred over to her hearing (abnormal ability to hear pitch differences) and human empathy which gives her insight for writing.
She is still difficult (perfectionistic) and attached to me (she prefers my company to her peers) but everyone is shocked to hear what a hard child she was to raise.
As you’re raising your little ones like Nora, be sure to look out for the strenghths that come along with these sensory problems. The very things that make your child difficult when they are little, might be hiding some incredible giftedness.
Andrea says
Thanks Jennifer — and yes, we’ve already notice some areas of giftedness with Nora. In all of our therapies and testings for her, she always scored extremely high in everything (except sensory tests). She is very smart, a quick learner, EXTREMELY perceptive, and actually quite sensitive (she doesn’t like to see anyone cry and immediately has to give them a hug when they start crying!)
And (not that this is necessarily a great thing) but I’m also noticing some signs of perfectionism in her already. It scares me a bit, but I also know it could just be a phase.
Kerry says
Love your blog! I’m just a college student (so no kids yet), but it sounds like Nora was a lot like me at her age (I might’ve even been worse). She might also have the trait of high sensitivity, which is an innate/genetic trait (not a disorder or anything) that causes a lot of the same behaviors. Although my parents were incredibly wonderful about supporting my sensitivity as a child, learning about the trait has helped me a lot as I’ve moved into the world on my own. This might not be super helpful at the stage you’re at, but Nora might appreciate the resources once she’s older if you think she fits the description. http://www.hsperson.com/index.html has been a great resource for me; a psychologist named Elaine Aron has spent many years researching high sensitivity and has published a number of related books. There are quizzes online to see if you or a child fall into the category, and lots of other resources on the website. Best wishes with the new baby!
Liesel says
So much of this sounds familiar! My second daughter is high needs. She turned three 6 months ago, and this summer has been the biggest growth we’ve seen as far as her being comfortable being away from me/us. Even leaving her at grandparents would mean uncontrollable sobs…I’m sure you know 🙂 Also, she nursed until 27 months (I was fine with that part, and didn’t try to wean her) but she exhibits so many of the signs of high needs. I found and bookmarked that article a long time ago. I just wanted to let you know that I understand how mentally and physically and emotionally exhausting it is. Also, if it’s any encouragement, my first and now third children are not high needs. Hopefully you’ll be blessed with a more laid back child this time, though I know how huge of a blessing each and every child is!
Janet says
Andrea, sharing as you’ve done has taken a tremendous amount of courage on your part. I will pray for your family as you head toward this new stage of life with 2. God is always good. Sometimes we have to remind ourselves of that through gritted teeth, but that doesn’t make it any less true. Thank you for your willingness to be so very vulnerable.
Paulette says
Andrea, my heart goes out to you and I am so glad you found the therapy that is helping. I experienced only a tiny, tiny bit of what you have been going through with my third child who was ultra-sensitive to stimulation and strangers. I remember many nights sleeping in just the position you have been using with Nora. You’re made of strong stuff!!
Julie H says
Thank you for sharing!
Laurel says
Wow! I feel for you. I thought mothering four so called “normal” and actually “easy” children was tiring. I cannot imagine the stress you have been under. Truthfully, I’m not so sure I wouldn’t have made a Dr’s appointment for Dave a long time ago, if you know what I mean 😉 iI’m sorry that your first child expereinces this since it’s with the first one that you have so many insecurities already. (Bt the fourth, they sort of raise themselves for better or worse.) anyway, I betcha #2 will be easy. This condition, or whatever you refer to it as isn’t hereditary, I’m assuming. So glad you got help. I didn’t even know there were therapists for these things. I say if you survived these long months, you can survive about anything.
Andrea says
Thanks Laurel — and no surgeries for Dave just yet 🙂
The sensory issues are not hereditary, but that doesn’t mean our 2nd child will or will not have some sensory issues. It’s totally just their biological make-up I suppose.
Stel says
So glad for the intervention! We also went through 8 months of SI therapy, help so much. My eldest is still more difficult, much more sensitive and every now and then we still do things horribly wrong, but it is a relief to know WHY things are as they are 🙂
Monique says
Andrea, thank you for posting this. I am an occupational therapist, although I am a stay-at-home-mom now, I could never really understand when my clients had high-need children. I could address the symptoms and we were always able to make progress, but I only really understood and had compassion when I had my 3rd child… Now I can look through the eyes of a parent with a baby attached to me 24/7,while homeschooling, cleaning, shopping and then that very recognizable crying whenever I leave him anywhere (even with my husband). And I use to tell other parents, “your child will stop crying after 20 minutes”. Now I laugh at that comment. But a bigger issue really for me, is that until he started sleeping better, the toll it takes on the primary caregiver is really hard to understand unless you experienced it. I have never been so challenged in my life. And yes, compared to other people’s challenges, this is really nothing, but it still had a major impact on our family. And while I am typing, he is walking around with a smile on his face, unpacking the Tupperware one more time…
Andrea says
Isn’t it SO easy to give advice until you’re in that situation 🙂
I used to give organizing advice to families with small children and say “well, you just need to teach them to pick up after themselves”. Ha! Try teaching a 22 month little girl to pick up after herself every time — I don’t think so!
So, now I know that being organized with kids isn’t as easy as I thought it would be (but still totally doable if it’s a priority). Sigh… children sure have a way of humbling us, don’t they?
Krista says
I am praising God for you! For these achievements and discoveries you’ve made with Nora. I’m so glad you are gaining confidence as parents. And I am very glad you are getting some space and relief!! I’ll keep you in my prayers as you continue therapy and during your second pregnancy as well.
Jen says
That’s so tough, my second was high needs. Not as much as Nora but way more than my first and it was challenging for sure! You guys are doing great, I’m so glad Nora is improving : ) Congrats on your second baby!
Laura says
Hi Andrea,
I’m so glad that you found a program that is working. My older son has some sensory processing issues and I was recommended to read “Out of Sync Child” and “The Out of Sync Child Has Fun,” and anything else by Carol Kranowitz or Jean Ayres that I could get my hands on. These books have given me tons of insight into what is going on with my “special” child and what we can all do to help him.
I also wanted to add that my younger son doesn’t seem to have any of these same issues. Each child is so uniquely different.
Best of luck!
Holly says
My 2nd daughter has been diagnosed with SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder) & by reading this I am still amazed at how very different sensory issues can be from baby to baby. My daughter was almost polar opposites of Nora. She actually almost never wanted to eat. I had to feed her with a medicine dropper for the first 6 weeks of her life because she didn’t want to eat and actually had such low muscle tone she struggled with eating so much. She stayed on the border of Failure to Thrive for many months. Needless to say- baby food & table food was simply horrible! She was EXTREMELY uncomfortable any time we held her. My arms would ache because I had her after 4 miscarriages & several years of unexplained infertility. I wanted to hold & cuddle with her soooooo bad. But she would arch her back and cry in protest. I couldn’t put the smell good lotions on her because she would scream from the feel of it on her skin. She is now 4 years old & we still struggle every day with outbursts & tantrums & unpredictable behavior. But she really has come so far! I am so very thankful for the therapy programs that we have been a part of & we too still brush her skin several times a day. I will be praying for you in your journey with sweet Nora.
shelly says
So happy for you that you are getting some good answers and results!!
What kind of therapy is Nora Receiving?
Andrea says
Here’s the link to the therapy place we go to — and as I mentioned in the post, it’s basically just listening to music and brushing her skin with a special tool. Simple, but apparently effective 🙂
Jenny says
Andrea, we have five children and when our 4th(first boy) came along, he too was different. and for years we simply said it was because he was a boy and we were used to girls. After number 5 was also a boy, it finally dawned on us that he was different. He too was diagnosed with Sensory Integration Disorder, but only in the last few months, so he was 4 before he was diagnosed. We are on the road to recovery though and he has made huge strides. The isn’t anything wrong with him, he is exactly how God wanted him to be. We just needed different tools to parent him. Love your blog and your honesty.
Organize 365 says
BOTH my kiddos are this way I have LIVED it! My kids are 12 and 13 now. We still have daily challenges, but the thing I have learned most is to trust YOUR mama gut. YOU are her mama for a reason and your gut will tell you what therapies to try and work for her.
Parenting kids today is super tough. MANY kids do not fit the mold and sensory – anxious issues are all too common place in this generation.
SO glad you found one of the pieces to your Nora puzzle
🙂
Lisa
Abbie says
I am so happy and relieved for you! Your post points out what I have learned (unfortunately just in the last few years): never judge a parent by the child’s behavior. There are children that are high needs (your little Nora), autistic children, and a myriad of other problems children may have. Parents are dong the best the best they can and need our support.
Here’s hoping baby #2 is easy peasy!
Andrea says
Yes, yes, and Yes! I never, ever judge a parent with bad/hyper/noisy/obnoxious kids anymore. I know from lots of experience that Nora can have her favorite snack and be perfectly happy strolling through the grocery store — and then for whatever reason, have a complete fit in the checkout lane. She’s not tired, she’s not hungry, she doesn’t have a dirty diaper, nothing that I can do… she just goes crazy. Maybe it’s because a person looked at her the wrong way, maybe it’s loud music, maybe it’s a bad smell — but she freaks out and I’m left with people staring at me in disapproval even though I’ve done everything I possibly can to keep her happy throughout the trip.
Need-less-to-say, it’s pretty exhausting to take her anywhere, which is why we stay home most of the time (or go places where kids are suppose to be loud!)
LoriB says
Nora is Fearfully And Wonderfully Made. In our house we say that our daughter has “FAWM” because she has many special needs and challenges that have no names or diagnosis and we are reminded that God made no mistakes when he made Hannah. So we live our lives doing the next thing that God gives us to do and trying to learn and except all that God wants to give us through her. It is not an easy path but life with Hannah is worth it. We were parents of 3 boys, ages 8, 12 and 14 when Hannah came along. We thought we knew it all. Very thankful for the answers and help for sweet Nora. Your keep on going, never give up attitude inspires me. Thank you Andrea!
Andrea says
Thanks Lori — I like that “FAWM” 🙂
Steph @ MomKaboodle says
OH my goodness, did we ever have a high need first child! He screamed without stopping for the first 3.5 hours of his life. All of the nurses that stopped in said “so THIS is the baby that we’ve been hearing!”. One nurse told me that I would do well to wear him, but for the first few months I didn’t follow that advice. How I wish I had!
Dr. Sears’ “The Fussy Baby & High Need Child” was THE book that saved us. Love, love, LOVE the Sears family. (I feel like I “know” them, even though it’s only through their books!)
I’m so glad that you’re finding ways to make Nora comfortable in her own skin ~ it took us a long time to figure that out for our family, and I felt like we constantly had to educate other people. My kids do not fit in any kind of child-rearing box, and certain “tried and true” methods DO NOT work with them, thank you very much!
I was nodding throughout your post ~ I feel you, Momma! And you’re doing just great!
Andrea says
Our nurses said they had NEVER in all their years of nursing her a newborn baby cry as loudly (and for as long) as Nora did. That makes a new mom feel proud 🙂
Becky B says
Thank you so much for sharing your experience! I am so glad that the therapy has really made such a huge difference in your lives.
Lori says
Andrea, thank you for sharing this. My second daughter was very “high needs” as a baby, but it wasn’t until she was almost three that a switch flipped in her and she became REALLY quirky and extremely difficult. Then it still took a year and a half to get a diagnosis of Sensory Processing Disorder because our ped was unfamiliar with it and just assumed she was going to be ADHD.
She’ll be 5 in November, and has started a special ed preschool available through our system. She is unbelievably attached to me, and I completely relate to not being able to get a babysitter (can’t trust her behavior). All summer, she would scream that she was NOT going to school when we talked about it. The first day she rode the bus, she had an F5 tantrum (what I call her bad ones) and almost had to be put in a harness. I watched her leave, in tears and scared to death of what she would do at school.
Now, she is a few weeks into the routine and less stress. But her behavior is still volatile on a daily basis, and she doesn’t want to be out of my sight when she is home. We are waiting to get her scheduled for therapy, as there are services available through our county. My hat is off to you. Don’t know how you do it all, guide her through her health issues and prepare for Baby #2! Hang in there on the bad days 🙂
Andrea says
Wow Lori — Nora definitely hasn’t shown this degree of sensory issues (yet). Although I’d be lying if I wasn’t already a tiny bit anxious wondering how on earth she’ll be able to handle the school bus and going to school. At least I have a couple years yet.
Rachel says
This is almost identical to my experience with my daughter, also my first, who is now four years old. I sure wish I would have known about this in the first two years of her life because I questioned and doubted myself ALL the time. She too showed separation anxiety from DAY ONE and was only happy with me and in my arms all night long…for many, many months. Even my mother and sister, both mothers of five, couldn’t understand it all, including her feeding issues (she would only breastfeed) or why she wouldn’t go to anyone. Even family members and even after she had known them for a long time! I also gave up trying to put my daughter in the nursery and i still remember my red face and embarrassment when I always had to come back for her, the only screaming baby, disrupting everyone. It became a very lonely journey because other parents don’t seem to understand what you are dealing with and that when you say your child does not sleep and wakes up constantly you really mean it, no exaggeration! I was unbelievably sleep deprived. And everyone felt the need to offer lots of advice that didn’t work but then there was this subtle implication that it didn’t work because of me! Aargh! Anyway, I’m so glad you wrote this because hopefully a mother who needs it is reading it WHEN she needs it and can be encouraged. And for your own encouragement, my second was born when she was two and a half and he definitely loves his Mommy and prefers me over anyone, but overall it as been much more of a “normal” experience! And my daughter has overcome a lot of her issues, although it is still hard to get her to eat enough at meals and she gets very upset if I leave to go somewhere alone but my husband and other family members tell me she gets over it fairily quickly. Thank you for sharing our story Andrea, it meant a lot to me and I’m sure it will to others.
Rachel says
I meant to say “your” story, but I guess it is kind of “ours” too 🙂
Andrea says
Thanks Rachel — and I can totally see why you said “our story”. Sounds like you were in our same shoes a few years ago. Glad to know you all made it to the other side!
Emily says
I’m happy that you found some treatment that has worked for you! My baby goes in spurts of being high needs, and I just about lose my mind during that time, so for you to last as long as you did is incredible to me. My first child was SO easy after like 8 months and of course I took full credit for it, and of course, if everyone just did what I did, their baby would be easy too. #2 comes along and proves that I am an idiot. :-p
Every child is so different and I’m glad you found the help your family needs!
Andrea says
Yes, I tell myself (pretty much every day) that if I would have had a “normal” easy-going baby for my first child, I would have been the most judgmental parent ever. After all, how hard can it really be. The books say to do ______, so just do it and you’ll be fine.
Nora is keeping me humble — and all other parents who I might otherwise have judged can thank her for it 🙂
Amanda Hartman says
Andrea, you are an amazing woman! I think that every time i hear how much sleep you (don’t) get. I feel smoothered sometimes just by the “normal” needs of babies, so i can only imagine how tough it’s been. What a cute girl Nora is, though! Anyway, i’ve been prayingf for you guys throughout the last or so as you post about these things and i am so glad that things are going better now! I’m glad you’ll be able to enjoy life (and Nora!) more, especially with another little one on the way. (My kids are 15 months apart, so i know about surprises. But as I’m sureeveryone will tell you, they’ll probably be good friends and it should get easier as they get older and can do everything together.)