Ever since I announced that Baby Dekker #4 is on her way, I’ve gotten so many congratulatory emails and comments from all of you — thanks so much!
A couple of the emails questioned how Dave and I decided what size family we want (or at least hope to have) someday. They weren’t nosey emails, prying for our personal information — rather, the questions were mainly because these readers are currently in the middle of trying to decide this exact same thing.
I know I have personally asked friends (especially older friends) this exact same question — basically for the same reason — so I thought it might be an interesting blog post!
One of the emails summed it up really well:
I’ve been a reader of your blog for about a year and have enjoyed following your family’s journey. We are pregnant with our second (also a girl!) and have been talking a lot about family size, mostly along the lines of “Should we have 2 or 3 children?”
I was curious if you would consider writing a blog post on your decision about family size, or even introducing the topic so others could comment. We are finding there are so many reasons — pro and con. We realize it may not happen just because we want it to happen, but there is still a decision to be made! My husband and I are also in our late 30’s, so we don’t have the luxury of waiting a few years and then deciding.
Yes, I think we are all aware that just because WE want another baby (or don’t want another baby) doesn’t necessarily mean WE will get what WE want.
That said, I do think most people put at least some amount of thought or consideration into family size — and honestly, I know many girls (myself included) who think about their future family size before there is even a potential father in the picture 🙂
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted 5 kids.
I honestly have NO idea why this is the number I settled on (especially since I hated babysitting and have never been a ‘baby person’), but I’ve always pictured myself with 5 kids — long before I considered who the father of these 5 kids might be!
When Dave and I were dating, I mentioned my idea of 5 kids — and to my surprise, he didn’t totally freak out. He said he thought 4 would be nice, but would be willing to consider 3 or 5 as well.
We were engaged just a few months later, so clearly, I didn’t scare him away!
After that initial conversation, we honestly never really talked about our future family size much until Nora was about 1 year old. I think we were both SOOOOOO overwhelmed with becoming new parents of a very fussy baby that we both knew her first year of life was NOT the time to discuss more children.
I do remember feeling so sad when we finally talked about it and we both agreed we weren’t even close to ready to have any more children for a while. We even half-heartedly joked about not ever having more children — and I honestly think there was some degree of seriousness for both of us in that statement.
I knew I really did want more than 1 child, but I was also certain I could not repeat the torturously sleep-deprived first 18 months of Nora’s life with another baby.
Fortunately for Dave and I (both major planners) we unexpectedly found out we were pregnant with Simon when Nora was about 20 months old. I was initially very shocked, sort of angry, pretty scared, and extremely excited all at the same time.
And as many of you know, Simon was an angel baby who slept a ton, ate like a champ, and was generally happy almost all the time. Praise the Lord!
By the time Simon was 4 months old, we had already decided we wanted more children — and that we would ideally like to have the next baby fairly soon if possible.
I was pregnant with James just a few months later — and so excited to have our first “summer baby” who would be born when Dave was home all day!
I can remember being in the hospital the day after James was born and thinking, “Yes, I definitely want to do this at least one more time.” In no way did I feel like we were “done” having babies… and I don’t think Dave ever felt that way either.
.
Now, being pregnant with our 4th child (and knowing it’s a girl) I’ve had the very first thoughts of: “Maybe 4 is enough.”
Dave told me he’s had these thoughts too.
I’m not sure if I’m just tired of being pregnant while chasing multiple other little children or if the idea of stopping with 2 boys and 2 girls sounds very appealing to me… but all of a sudden, I no longer always picture myself with 5 children.
Of course, we are not officially closing the door to more children, but I do think both Dave and I could potentially be ready to move past the “having more babies” stage of life after this next one arrives.
We’ll just have to wait and see!
On one hand, I think of all the “pros” to having a bigger family:
- Lots of siblings to play with.
- Lots of toys and clothes to share.
- Another chance to snuggle a new baby (the newborn phase is actually growing on me!)
- Another little person to love so much.
- More personalities to enjoy.
- More cousins and grandkids when they all grow up.
But I can’t help but think how different 5 kids would be versus 4:
- We’d most likely need a bigger vehicle as 5 car seats can’t fit in our van.
- One child would get their own room — or 3 kids would have to share one room.
- More crowded in terms of bathroom usage, storage space, closet space, etc.
- More expense for school tuition, family vacation, and even simple things like going out to eat or back to school shopping.
- Less one-on-one time with each child.
- Having an “odd child out” in terms of, we’ll either have 3 boys and 2 girls or 2 boys and 3 girls.
- The “risk” of having twins and actually ending up with 6 children — a number I definitely can’t picture myself with right now!
Don’t worry, I’m most definitely not stressing or worrying about this in any way right now. I’ve just been thinking about it more because of the emails I got and because I was in the middle of writing this post.
Right now, we are all just super excited to welcome our 4th baby and enjoy life as a family of 6 for a while. We’ll take it one day at a time and see how we feel in another year or so!
So that’s my story… for now!
I realize this is potentially a hard topic for some of you — please know that my intentions are not to be insensitive, but rather to share my story and hopefully hear some of your stories too.
I know many of you are at the same point of life as Dave and me — wondering how many children we might have someday. But there are so many more who are done having babies (either by choice or by circumstance). There are also those who have chosen not to have children or who haven’t started families yet.
Whatever the case, I’d love to know if you have/had specific thoughts or reasons for why you want/wanted a certain number of children or why you stopped having children when you did.
This has always been an interesting topic among our friends and family members — so I know there are some good stories out there!
Karlyn Nance says
Thanks, Andrea, for your openness & thoughtful response to this sensitive issue. Being a grandmother, and well-past the child bearing age, I am amused at myself that I still find this topic interesting and intriguing. Having experienced infertility for the first 10 years of my marriage, I didn’t have to wrestle too much with the decision of “how many.” I was just so grateful that God (eventually) gave me three beautiful daughters. However, I recently read a blog post by Gary Thomas on this very topic that I thought might give some helpful insight for those who are still struggling with this decision, and who like me, try to approach all major decisons from a Christian and Biblical perspective. For those not familiar with Gary Thomas, he is a bestselling author and international speaker whose ministry brings people closer to Christ and closer to others, often holding seminars and gearing his topics toward marriage and family. Here is a link to the article I referenced above:
http://www.garythomas.com/does-god-care-how-many-children-we-have/
Andrea says
Great post — thanks for sharing the link (and a bit of your story) Karlyn!
Jenni says
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on what is a touchy subject for many people. You seem to handle all of your littles so well, and I was a reader when you struggled with Nora, so I can understand why you might have freaked out a little when you got pregnant again!
We have four kids, ages almost 3 to almost 10. Before I got married I thought it would be cool to have 6 or 7 because it was different. After we had our 2nd child, I was overwhelmed and felt like two was enough, only to find out I was expecting #3 when #2 was only 9 months old!. After #3, our 3rd son, arrived, I was definitely okay with having just three boys. Plus, I was 37, my husband had started law school, and it just felt like having more kids would have been too much at that point. But then, as he finished law school, we wondered if maybe we should put our fears aside and try for one more as I neared 40, and even though we thought it would take a long time, we got pregnant quickly, and found out later that we were having a girl!
After that we definitely thought we were done though we always love babies. I homeschool and it’s hard managing littles when you have to teach and run a household too. We had another surprise pregnancy over a year ago, and at first I was really scared, but then I thought about all the good things that might come out of it, and so then we were excited to welcome a 5th. And then I miscarried. I’ve never been through that before – all of my pregnancies have been healthy, so it was a shock, and although it was early, it was still hard. My oldest son cried when he found out and still mentions it occasionally. It was as if our hearts had been stretched to make room for #5 and now there was just an empty space.
Given that I was 41 at that time, it wasn’t really a situation where it makes sense to just keep on trying – financially it would be really hard for us (we have mountains of student loans), and then there is the risk of my age. So for now we have a family of 6, but I think that if we were younger and had a better financial situation we would probably have kept on trying.
Shelly Smith says
I grew up as one of 4 children and my hubby was one of two. Although as a child I used to dream about having 10 or more children, I knew that was not a realistic option as I remained single through my 20’s. I was 29 when I got married, and still thought I would like to have four kids (hubby thought two sounded good, each of us preferring what we were most familiar with!) After talking it through (before marriage) my hubby and I agreed to split the difference and agreed that 3 seemed reasonable. My first pregnancy was easy and my first baby was soooo good, but I sadly did not know to appreciate that wonderful “good” baby because I had a bad case of PPD. My next two pregnancies (and babies) each got progressively harder, so I think hubby was glad to call it “done” after the third, though I still (just a little bit) think it would be nice to have a fourth child to even out the numbers (the third boy usually feels “left out”- in part because there is a small age gap between him and his older brothers and in part because his personality is so much “louder” than his quiet, more reserved older brothers!) I know God’s plan is best, and I am thankful for the 3 healthy (active) boys He has blessed us with. However, if He chose (in His divine providence) to bless us with another child (through natural birth or through adoption) I would not be upset! 😉
Patricia says
I enjoyed reading your post! We just had our fourth child (third boy) in December.
Four has been more of a handful than I expected but am enjoying it and wouldn’t change a thing. While pregnant with our last I was certain I was finished but have heard my husband mention having one more in the future and am warming up to the possibility 🙂 My daughter wants a sister so badly and growing up with 6 sisters I just can’t imagine not having a sister, but obviously you can’t decide on the gender and I’m becoming more okay with the idea of having only one girl. There’s also the fact that she’s already 5 and if we would have another girl in a few years there would be a huge age gap. We are both still young so age isn’t a factor for us, but I’ve always felt I didn’t want more children than what I felt I could handle as far as giving them my time and attention. and while I love child birth and the baby stage and can’t imagine saying I’m done, i have become more okay with this possibility and focusing on the precious children we have and the fact that we are still young means we could take time to travel more or whatever when the kids are grown. I love your list or pros and cons of 4 vs 5 children! Definitely something to think about!
Stephanie says
I have 5 children very spread out in age. My first 3 are 24, 20, and 15. I had my first baby at age 20, 19 months after getting married. I had another at age 25, and another at 29. I thought I was done after number 3, having finally got a boy. Then I got divorced. And found a wonderful man and remarried. He didn’t have any children of his own and before dating for long, he asked if I would have more kids. At this time I was 32 , and figured yeah, I could have another child. So after we got married started trying right away. The first pregnancy ended in miscarriage. So we tried again and at age 35 I had my 4th child and thought I was done, again. But sometimes God has other plans. At 41 I found myself pregnant despite birth control pills and “advanced maternal age” lol. So along came Kate, our surprise blessing. That pregnancy just wore me out. And we knew we were TOTALLY DONE. So, my doctor who delivered all but my first child took care of that for me, no more surprises here! We love our family size and how they are so spread out. All in all I have-D-24 D-20 S-15, S-8, and D-3. Kid #5 was born one day before kid #1’s 21st birthday. #1 didn’t want to share her birthday so we scheduled the cesarean for a day before. Lol
Sometimes God’s plans are totally different than yours. And we are so happy in our case because we wouldn’t give up our little surprise blessing for anything!!
Ann says
My parents fostered newborns for a good chunk of my life. Whenever someone would say they were finished having children, my mom would say, “Until God speaks to you through the Sunday paper.” (Back then they always featured children who were available for adoption in the Sunday paper.)
Our life has taken many twists and turns and we can truly say we don’t know when we will be done. Our first 4 (2 girls, 2 boys) are grown and we have now adopted our grandson. We are also fostering two other children (without plans to adopt them!) We have had 4 exchange students call us mom and dad and several still keep in touch. We’d like to think we are “finished” but God keeps having other plans for us!
Bridget says
Honestly, the thing that always makes me curious about this isn’t the family size but what is done when a couple determines they are “done.” I just spoke to a woman today who’s husband had a vasectomy reversal after regretting something so permanent and wanting more kids a few years later. Living off dangerous artificial hormones doesn’t seem pleasant, either. We have 6 and choose to use NFP as it goes along with our faith beliefs. But no way did we intend to have 6! Just how it’s worked out for us.
Joy Eckstein says
We were married young and waited 5 years to have kids. Both of us grew up with 2 other siblings. We knew we wanted more than 2 but that was all we knew. Natural family planning without the planning at its best . We had baby #1 (took a year to get pregnant) and then was surprised with pregnancy #2 when baby #1 was still a baby! We knew we wanted a third, again it took almost a year to get pregnant. During her delivery I remember thinking “I’m not sure about doing this again”. But we were again surprised by pregnancy when baby 3 was still a baby. Then I knew our family was complete. We have 2 and 2 opposite your kids: boy-girl-girl-boy. And all are close in age – the space is 16 mo, 30 mo and 18 mo. It’s busy, delightful, challenging, and amazing all rolled into one.
Amy says
My husband and I discussed that we would have children, although not how many children would make up our family. We had our oldest, Laura, 4.5 years ago. I had a relatively easy pregnancy/delivery and she was a relatively easy/good baby. Ok, we said, let’s try for #2. Perfect! 2.5 years between kids, everything will be great. Then comes Clifford. Again, relatively easy pregnancy/delivery. But then it was difficult. I remember saying, he doesn’t just cry, he screams. Hubby reassures me that baby is his own person, we’ll get used to it. Not quite…
It turns out Cliff had a malrotated bowel. Unfortunately, he had an abnormal presentation which delayed identification of the problem and surgery to correct it. (Imagine a “kink” in your intestines… Very painful.) At 5.5 months he underwent surgery to correct the malrotation. New baby… immediately! The constant horrible screaming was over!
Both husband and I decided we were meant to love just these two kids and I had a sterilization procedure. We were conflicted for a time about trying for a third child. I felt I would not be able to make it emotionally if we had another pregnancy. It turns out situations like this can lead to post traumatic stress. Medication and counselling can be helpful.
If you know – if you feel deep down something isn’t right with your child, keep pushing for answers. Provide data to your medical team, not just words. Objective data (feeding logs, diaper counts, sleep schedule, journal entries re: child’s disposition, observable level of comfort) is what provided our physician to pursue imaging which identified the cause of this child’s screaming and subsequent repair.
Linda says
This has been fun reading everyone’s stories. I was married at 27. Both my husband and myself came from families of four so I thought four children would be good. I never dreamed I would have trouble conceiving. I miscarried, had infertility treatments and just decided children would not be in our life. In our local newspaper they would list children that were up for adoption. One day they had two sibling young girls. I thought they would fit perfectly in our home. Mind you I never knew there were 1,000’s of children up for adoption. I called about them and the case worker said they were going to be adopted by their foster home but there were others. We did the training and were told it would be at least a one year wait. Well, two or three weeks later we got the call for a 3 1/2 month old baby boy! I was 48. The following year we got the call for our second son, he was a newborn. They are 10 and 11 now. No, I am not tired and My husband and I remain very active with them. I also homeschool them. I would have liked a third child. However, I had two boys in the span of one year and I was busy! As they are older I realize this is God’s perfect plan for our home. I am very content with what God has done and how he created our family.
Andrea says
wow — what a great story. I’m sure it’s nice having boys so close together — I think (hope) that’s how it will be for us with Simon and james get a little older. They already play really well together and I hope they will grow up to be great friends!
Cora says
This is so me right now, thinking a lot about when to be done, I’m at the point I always said I would be done. I had my 4 kids before I was 30, by 29 actually. BUT the last one was a boy (I love him of course!) so I have 3 boys and 1 girl, always pictured having 2 boys & 2 girls, SO I keep having this nagging feeling like God played a trick on me to get me to have another. My baby is getting close to 2 and for awhile I was sticking to I’m done! But lately my thoughts have been going towards “maybe I could do that again” or maybe even thinking about adoption. We shall see! There are days though where I get so overwhelmed with 4 that I think “no way!” to another one. God is ultimately the one who already has it all planned out, I just don’t know what His plan is yet. 🙂
Julia says
We are a family of four. Didn’t get married until I was 29 (wanted to finish all my education first). We decided to not have children right away, but started trying when I was 32. I come from a very large extended family (mom had 8 siblings, dad only one, 38 cousins, each cousin has between 2 and 8 kids), so I never worried about getting pregnant. After 2 1/2 years of harder work than it should have been, I had my first child at 35. We started trying again for our second child almost immediately, but he didn’t arrive until I was 38. After him, I just couldn’t imagine going through the whole getting pregnant process again. It took a toll on me personally and it took a toll on our marriage that we had to work through. I love my family of 4 to the moon and am thankful for my children every day. Some days I do wish I had a family of 6, but God’s plan for us was different, and he knows best!
Colleen says
I always love hearing peoples family journeys! Me, I’m the youngest of 5 and had always wanted a big family. (funny enough I never had thought much about the father!) I didn’t meet my husband until later than most. I was 36 and he was 40, neither of us had been married or had children. My husband is number 5 of 6 kids. We both knew we wanted kids but didn’t know if it would happen because of our ages. I had it in my head that I would like a minimum of 3 and I was hoping to do it before I hit 40 and I would see how I felt at 40 and go from there. We were lucky to get pregnant with our first right away. A healthy baby girl (now almost 8!). I got pregnant again when she was 9 mos but miscarriage at just over 8 weeks. Was pregnant again a few months later and had another healthy baby girl (now almost 6). We talked about another but life hit us with quite a few challenges and we had to put it aside. Just as I was ready to except no more babies my husband suggested we try one more time. And bam pregnant again at 42 instantly! I actually would find myself apologizing for being pregnant at my age. I’ve had friends who have struggled with still no luck and friends who have lost children. But I had a healthy baby boy at the age of 43. (he’s now almost 2). And here I find myself selfishly hoping for one more and I try to remind myself how blessed I have been.
Jamie says
We have 4 and both feel that our family is complete. We discussed how many kids we wanted before we were married and I wanted 2 and my husband thought 3 would be nice. We had our first baby and he was such a great baby and toddler. We knew we wanted more but had trouble getting pregnant. We finally had our 2nd when #1 was 3 1/2. #2 was SO MUCH different than the first. We were on the fence if we wanted more so we decided not to try but also didn’t NOT try. We ended up getting pregnant and having our 3rd boy 2 yrs later. I always wanted a little girl and I like even numbers (I know I’m weird) so we kept trying for another. When our 3rd was 4 we decided we were done trying. I finally told God I was okay if He decided not to give me a little girl. He knows me better than I know myself and maybe I wouldn’t be a good mom to a little girl. 2 months later we were pregnant with our little girl. She will be 2 in July! When I was pregnant with her (even before I knew she was a girl) my husband and I knew we were done. I just didn’t want to be pregnant again and go through another c-section. I had 3 of them and that was 3 too many!! There are things to think about when you have more children. Things that we didn’t really even notice until now as the kids are getting bigger. 4 x’s everything adds up quick- groceries, gifts, Easter baskets, clothes, bedding, sports, school materials, etc.
Debbie says
I also honed in on the number 5 when dreaming about my future kids even before I was married or had a serious relationship. I grew up with 2 sisters and even though we played with each other I was 3 years older than the one after me and 4 years older than the youngest. The idea of having 5 kids sounded like it would be a very fun household, full of activities, and laughter. Yet many times you can’t really plan life. I didn’t get married until I was in my 40’s and having children wasn’t biologically possible anymore. The idea of 5 kids somehow just vanished and God was gracious enough to not allow pain, sadness, bitterness in my heart because of it. I feel blessed without any children and happy for those who can have them. I enjoy reading your posts about your kids, your family routine, projects, etc. God has different plans for each one of us, and I’m glad to learn from someone who has a completely different life than me.
Andrea says
This is so lovely Debbie — I really appreciate all your comments and words of encouragement over the years! Thanks for loving my blog even though our lives are so different!
Melissa says
My baby boy turns 1 today and his older sister is 5. We knew we wanted more than one but our first was so easy and independent that it was hard to start over. In the beginning of my second pregnancy I thought maybe we’d do it a 3rd time but after being high risk and getting Bell’s palsy at 31 weeks, I knew I never wanted to be pregnant or give birth again. 1 year later and my feelings have not changed. Our house is built for 2 kids. We feel complete.
Andrea says
yeah — Dave and I have said how our house is built perfectly for 2 boys and 2 girls… and as silly as it sounds, that’s one of the reasons we feel like we could be done after this baby 🙂
Annette Silveira says
It’s fascinating to read everyone’s stories. It’s such a personal decision.
We have two. A girl and a boy. Both are adults now. We knew we only wanted two, and my husband had a vasectomy while I was still pregnant with our son. The doctor didn’t really want to do it that way, but we were sure.
We are very happy with our family size decision. That’s the point, right?
Andrea says
yes, do what works for you and what feels “right” for you!
Dawn Kaestner says
This was a beautiful post, always positive about other people’s choices and without judgement. What I really want to know is, can your readers have a baby name pool for Baby Dekker #4? Following in lines of Nora Faith, I am going to go with Ella Hope or Emma Grace. You could be pregnant as many times as you want if you keep picking great names!
Andrea says
You know what Dawn, some of our girl names (that we are NOT using) are Evie Joy or Ella Joy — so you were REALLY close). However, we know LOTS of Evies right now and Dave’s cousin has a girl named Ella — plus, we really wanted to keep in our tradition of naming all our children after important relatives.
So your guesses were spot on in terms of our “style” — but you’ll have to wait a couple more months to know for sure 🙂
Dawn Kaestner says
That’s great that you can use family names as an inspiration and still choose unique and classic names. Looking forward to hearing of a healthy baby #4, regardless of what she is called:)
Erin says
Oh Andrea, I love when you share your heart! Really! I’ve read and commented on your blog since you and Dave were first married and I’ve always loved it! We don’t have much in common anymore – I am 34, single, living in an apartment with a full time job outside the home – but I still love reading your posts!
All of my friends are done having kids. While I love being an auntie, it still stings when they make comments like “I can’t imagine having a newborn now! I’d be totally exhausted! It would be awful!” etc etc. It’s hard to hear when you have always wanted to be a mom and a wife and there is nothing on the horizon and not a chance of it happening in the next few years.
I read through all the comments about family planning and realized I would be the only single non-mom commenting, so I’m sure I will hear all sorts of comments. Oh well.
Even though I can’t relate to it, I find all of your advice and stories and your growing family and your kids personalities just fascinating, so continue on! 🙂
Andrea says
Thanks so much Erin! I appreciate your honesty, and I really wouldn’t worry about getting negative comments from my other readers. They are great (for the most part) and very supportive! Also, I know for a fact I have several “non-mom” readers — they just don’t comment very regularly. So maybe they’ll read your comment and feel more reassured about their own non-mom status!
Peggy Ann in CT says
Erin
My heart tugged when I read your post. I too spent my thirties being single. Most of my friends had married in their twenties. One year I went to eight weddings. In their thirties, they were all done having children and our lives were on very different paths. I did finally meet someone and within a year we were married. I had just turned 39. At 40, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Two years after that I miscarried at 8 weeks. I thought we were done. I was happy to have a child. Two years later…surprise I was pregnant again at 44. I received many comments that I was too old to have another child. But despite my advance maternal age, I delivered another healthy girl. They are now 13 and 9. I am 53. Yes there are days that I am tired. But most days I feel blessed that I have these two lovely daughters who I adore. Erin, I will pray for you that you will not lose faith in what still might be in your future. And I will pray that you will be blessed in ways that you might not have even dreamed about. May God bless you always.
Gwyneth says
Thanks Andrea, great post! 🙂
Angel says
I know my story is not your standard family scenario but here it goes. My first marriage happened when I was 17 and pregnant. My first husband and I had 2 daughters and divorced while I was pregnant with our second child. I married a second time and we had 5 kids together. After the 7th child was born I had a tubal ligation, I was 28. 18 months later husband number two and I divorced and I was remarried to my current husband and best friend. He didn’t have any children and was content to just help me raise mine. (Husband number two passed away suddenly in 2008.) Mine consisted of at that time 3 girls and 4 boys. After 5 years of marriage, when I was 34 years old I had a tubal ligation reversal. I became pregnant with “our” first baby 2 months later. We have 4 kids together. We had a boy then a girl then another boy then a miscarriage and lastly another girl. My last baby was born when I was 43. She is now 7. Currently I have the four youngest at home. And in comparison to having the first group of seven it is a little easier to manage them. 2 girls/ 2 boys works pretty good for playing, getting along, always having a buddy, the girls share a room as do the boys. The girls play barbies the boys play Age of Empires. It’s a good thing. Having odd number of children never works out well, there is always an odd “man”, out. And, now mommy has 2 helpers and so does daddy!
Andrea says
Wow, what a story! it’s so amazing how different families come together — I bet it’s really loud (and fun) at your holiday parties!
Meghan says
Thanks for the post, Andrea – so fun to read everyone’s stories! Our children are 10, 7, and 2. I love being a mom and wish we had four. However, with the age gap and me being 37 and my husband being 38, we are done. I do regret we didn’t have 4 kids, each two years apart. However, my husband’s work is really demanding, we don’t have any grandparents nearby to help out, the PPD after number 2 and how difficult he was as a baby/ toddler made it hard to jump into getting pregnant with the third. Our third is a joy, and we are so happy we took the leap of faith to have her after years of prayer. However, having kids so far apart in age is hard. She doesn’t do the typical toddler things like story time and going to the park. The boys are so busy with sports so she spends a lot of time at soccer, baseball, and basketball games. My husband is the oldest of 6 with a 15 year age gap, and he felt like he raised himself once he was 10 or so. We don’t want our older two to feel pushed to the side.
Christine from The (mostly) Simple Life says
I love to hear how people have decided to have kids or how many.
We have been married for 7 years and still don’t feel a huge urge to have children. We’ve been busy with going back to school, trying to find careers that we enjoy, and dealing with some health problems. I never wanted to have kids until my husband had a job that he liked because I didn’t want him to feel trapped once we had kids. We’re still undecided, but if it happens, I think we’ll love it. We’ll just wait and see I guess.
Andrea says
Don’t rush it — you have time! And (as my grandma always says) you can’t give them back once you have them 🙂
Ramona says
My daughter just turned 18 and graduated high school. Unfortunately, her dad and I did not work out, but my husband now (who she only knows as her dad) wanted to try for a baby to have someone for her to grow up with. about 10 years ago, we miscarried, she was 8 at the time and then 3 years later, we tried again and also lost that baby in the beginning of the 2nd trimester. At this point, even though a baby would always be welcomed, I just thought that the age gap between the kids would be too great and they wouldn’t end up being close. As you can imagine, I also got older **shocker, I know** and now I’m just enjoying having a high school graduate, who has turned into my best friend, and am looking forward to seeing what her future holds and one day being a grandma.
Andrea says
That’s so great how you are such good friends with your daughter — I’m certain there are many mothers who are jealous of that.
Jen says
I’ve always wanted 3 kids. We ended up with 2 girls and a boy and I was so grateful to be done. However, God had other plans and blessed us with another boy 6 years behind the other three. It was a hard adjustment since I was so sure I was done with babies, but now the older three are out of the house and he’s 14 and awesome. Don’t know what I’d do without him.
Andrea says
I’ve heard so many similar stories — and the “tag a long” is always just what the family was “missing” So glad this was the case for your family too!!
Mandy says
When I am going the worst of the first & third trimesters and the sleep deprivation of the first few months I tell myself NEVER AGAIN. EVER. I HATE THIS. But then about 6 months later I start to think…”hmm, maybe 1 more.” 😉
Andrea says
haha — you and every other pregnant lady out there!
Nicola says
I have 4 ‘kids’ 2 now adults and two teenagers. We live in a truly tiny (by US standards) 3 bedroom house although the 3rd bedroom is actually a loft conversion with a very small amount of standing room. There is a single living room forming the downstairs with a tiny kitchen measuring six feet by six feet. When they were little space didn’t seem to matter and even when we went on holiday – borrowing the houses of relatives in other parts of the UK – we usually ended sharing a room as they ‘missed’ each other when not sharing bedrooms! Scroll forward a few years and they are all desperate to have their own rooms and shortage space is the definite downside to a larger family. However we live in the VERY expensive UK housing market where getting a bigger home is simply beyond the reach of most so we are actually very lucky to be able to afford our own home at all.
I would have loved 5 or even six kids but as I work full time outside the home this seemed overwhelming when they were little. All of the kids love being part of a bigger family, are very close friends with each other and even though we got alot of negative comments for having more than 2 kids I am truly grateful to my very core that we were able to have 4 it is so much fun. After the 4th was born I got a very real sense that we had all ‘arrived’ as though an indefinable sense I’d always had of waiting for someone had lifted.
Re. time together we started doing ‘secret’ Sundays a long time ago. As my only non work day is Sunday the kids would write their names in my diary on a Sunday and it meant that my whole day was devoted to that one child. We would do whatever they wanted (within reason!) and it meant I could afford to treat them and get real quality time with them once every few weeks. The secret was that we didn’t tell the others what we had been up to. (I sometimes ended up seeing the same film on separate occasions several times!) As teenagers there is more flexibility such that a ‘Sunday’ could in reality be a Friday evening but even the adult kids still book time for a Secret Sunday every few months and I hugely value this time together.
You’ll know what feels right but space, money and time are real factors in the decision.
Andrea says
I love the Secret Sunday idea — thanks so much for sharing!!
Amie says
I was never the girl who thought about getting married or having kids. In college, it was always thought that I’d be the one in our friend group that wouldn’t get married and wouldn’t have kids and would focus on her career! Fast forward – I was the first one to get married and the first to have kids!! God is funny
When my husband and I thought about family planning – we fell back on what we knew. He had one brother and I had one sister. My parents were semi-hippies in the 60s and always talked about zero population growth – that meant a family of four! Also, we knew we wanted to be done having kids by age 30. My parents were done by age 26 with 2 kids – I loved having young parents (they were 21 when they had me). My husband’s father was 44 when he was born and he didn’t enjoy having older parents…they were very uninvolved in his activities (loving but just not very active). Together we decided, if it were possible, we would have 2 children by the age of 30 and be done!
We did it. Our first son was born when I was 26 and our second son was born when I was 29. I did not enjoy being pregnant or child birth (despite my mom’s tales about how easy it was and how she loved it – it was not a good experience for me!) I had different complications with both pregnancies and I was glad to be done…and when our youngest was three…my husband and I both had the feeling that someone was missing in our family! We had a very strong desire to find that third child…but not biologically! So we started the adoption process! Our parents were not extremely excited – both of our boys had some special needs (oldest is autistic and second had ADHD-we didn’t know that at the time) and they thought we had our hands full. But the pull to that missing person was so strong…when I was 34, our daughter was born and we went to China to bring her into our forever family!
And now, everyone agrees, that she was the missing link! She was meant to be with us and we can’t imagine a life without her or with someone else. Sometimes I do a public talk to the confirmation kids at our church about families – I will hold up a picture of my three children and say that we have one adopted child but I can’t remember which one (even though we are Caucasian and our daughter is Chinese) – it is true! Adoption made our family complete.
When we adopted our daughter, it took less than one year. Immediately after our adoption-the Chinese government slowed down the process to take years (one family in our adoption group took 10 years to get their second child!) I am not sure, but if it hadn’t slowed down – we might have considered a second daughter from China. But we didn’t have that feeling of someone missing and so we didn’t pursue it..
.BUT my mom died unexpectedly last year at the age of 67. There have been many times in this past year that I wished I’d had more children…I’m not sure why? Possibly because I wished I had more to fill the deep void of losing my mom, possibly because my oldest has gone to college…and now that I am starting to face the empty nest…my oldest is 19 (next year junior in college), middle is 17 (next year senior in high school) and youngest is 12 (next year 7th grade)…there are times I miss the younger stages and having those little ones…and then I remember that we are blessed to forget…I remember the good memories of younger children and try to block out the not so good (our oldest took 4 years to sleep through the night! I thought I was a prisoner of war enduring torture!) AND I am finding that every stage of parenting has it. Lessons and challenges (my husband and I can go on a date without even thinking about child care!)
So I’ve rambled a bit…but that’s my story❤️of family planning. We are a family of 5
Julie says
Beautiful story!
Andrea says
Awww, this is such a great story. We have friends who have waited and waited for their adopted children and it’s always SO worth the wait! Our friends lovingly call their little girl their “China doll” — and she really does look like the doll. So beautiful!
Elizabeth says
What a great topic! I’m pregnant with my third and we are for sure done. I’ve always wanted three but my husband wasn’t sure he wanted any. It took awhile to convince him to have number two (our first was -and still is- a handful) but since number two was such an easy baby, he was quick to get on board with a third.
This third just feels like the perfect ending to the baby years. It’s the last grandchild on both sides. We’ll have 2 boys and 2 girls on one side and 3 boys/3 girls on the other. The symmetry of it makes it seem even more perfect!
Andrea says
congrats!! enjoy #3!
Aimee says
I love this topic and think you broached it well! Thank you! I am one of four kids (2 girls, 2 boys) and I always felt like it was the perfect family size. Even though we are spread over 11 years we are super tight as siblings. We have remained close even though we live in four different states (and one soon to be different country!)
I always wanted four kids and my husband only wanted 2. With each kid we reevaluated how we felt and also let nature take its course. I have serious breastfeeding infertility (i didn’t get my cycle back for 17m, 18m and 2 years) and also miscarriages before our first and between each one. We have three boys, my husband is older (42) so he was thrilled when he was “done” with the newborn stage at 40. He saw retirement on the horizon! Also our youngest was tough, really tough and exhausted me. So after my last miscarriage in December I really worked though my desire to have one more (at 36, I was beginning to feel old!) and woke up panicking thinking of having another baby. So, very much at peace I told my husband he could schedule a vasectomy. He waited a couple months to schedule it whereupon I grew more comfortable with my complete family of boys. (I was a girlie girl with all my dolls saved and special dresses! So it was a bit of a grieving process). He called the doctor’s office and they said it would be a couple months or they had availability THAT Thursday. Well, we turned it down because we had a planned trip out of town just the two of us! His colleague made a quip that it would be the most expensive trip to LA and San Diego of his life. We laughed. We were being careful. Fast forward a month and a very stressful time with our general contractor. I picked up a test to reassure myself that I am late due to stress. *Surprise!* I’m only 9 weeks along, but oh my goodness the emotions have been intense. All over the board. Now I’m thinking how old I’ll be; 40 when the baby is 3 and my poor husband never sees himself retiring now (He’s a university professor so he has to stay until our final is graduated!) Also, we have school tuition and our oldest is 9.5 our youngest is 3 and still pretty intense. I was actually at the point where I didn’t have that longing when I held the little babies anymore. So, yeah, it’s been a ride! I feel like this new little one will also be a boy and I feel good about that now, but it’s still rough. Just one little girl for my three boys to dote over! Luckily, I have the most amazing husband and we have an incredible relationship. We have laughed and panicked and are now excited. He said to me, how do you always get what you want in the end?
He has kept his vasectomy appointment, for those wondering, it’s just too little too late. Ha!
Julie says
Congratulations!
Susan says
Aimee–I highly recommend a book called SURPRISE CHILD by Leslie Leyland Fields. Sometimes we just need encouragement and to know that our feelings are valid. Blessings!
Aimee says
Thank you for the recommendation! I am a big reader!! I will definitely be checking this one out! We are excited but oh the loops it has thrown us!
Andrea says
As I read your story, I started to think… “There’s going to be a surprise at the end” and I was right! What a great story to tell… congrats! So happy for your family!
Aimee says
It’s been a fun story to tell! ❤️ And all my friends say to me: This feels so right for you.
Heather says
Thanks for this post – this has been a bit of a hot topic in our house lately – I even sent my husband a link to it just now! Originally I didn’t even know if I wanted kids, and at that maybe only one. He has always said two. Once our daughter was born, I fell so in love with her I can’t ever imagine feeling like I’m done! He has been steadfast with his two. I’m also in my 30s, so time is a factor, but every since she’s been born I’ve dreamed of 4. I guess we will wait and see!
A post I would love to read is, how do you manage being pregnant while chasing around the other kiddos? That’s my only hesitation right now – our daughter is 14 months and so active – I had a ton of nausea and fatigue with her and I can’t imagine working, taking care of her, AND barely being able to stand during the first trimester!
Andrea says
Thanks Heather — I hope your husband doesn’t hate me now 🙂
As for the energy thing, I really do have fairly easy pregnancies compared to many people I know — so I have a feeling that’s one of the main reason I’m able to go for 4 without feeling totally overwhelmed. Of course, I don’t love being big and pregnant while carrying other children around all the time, but it’s “only” for a 9 months… right!! 🙂
If I were horribly sick and miserable all 9 months long, I might not have been as eager to go for 4.
Rebecca says
We had four children and pretty much told everyone we were done! My family felt complete for over three years, didn’t even consider it. But…. following a very taumatic death in our close family, it was so obviously laid on our hearts to have another . Both my husband and I had the exact same feelings before even discussing it. What followed was nothing but a very obvious will of God. I got pregnant immediately( which never happened before, we have waited as long as 18 mos before) and had a much easier pregnancy than my last couple. Even though I was older and much more anxious, the realization that this baby was such a gift after such a huge loss, made my heart calm. Now we have the most vivacious, spunky little girl ( a second daughter yay!!!) and she is a constant reminder of the blessing she was and is to our entire family.
Andrea says
Wow — what a great story!
Kimberley says
We have two. One boy, one girl. We have decided we are done. There are many reasons why but one of the big ones is that I had complicated pregnancies for both children. Gestational Diabetes with both just kind of made the decision for me. My blood sugars with both kiddos were always so high and my husband and I decided that having another one would just be a risk to my health and theirs that we didn’t want to take.
We also feel 2 is a good number for us because he grew up with 3 siblings and I grew up with 0, so it just felt like 2 was a number we both felt was right for US.
It totally is a personal decision and one that you and your spouse need to agree on. Thanks for writing about this! It’s always so interesting to hear your thoughts on things!
Andrea says
one boy, one girl — the million dollar family (how many times have you heard that one!) I’ve been getting it NON STOP ever since we announced #4 was a girl!
Charissa says
I loved hearing your thoughts (and heart) on this topic, Andrea!
Kelly Hess says
I have to laugh because I went through a lot of the same emotions you went through. I always wanted 4 kids. After our first I thought he would be the last. I had a hard time transitioning to being a parent of him (not knowing at the time I was suffering from PPD). I got through it and we had our second almost three years later. Much each labor and delivery and after I had him I knew immediately that I was not done and wanted another. We had a hard time conceiving #3 and eventually had a baby girl (after 2 boys) 3 1/2 years later. I felt then that I was done (and my husband definitely was) since I had my girl. I again had a rough go with PPD, this time I recognized it and got treated early for it. My daughter will be 5 next month and sometimes I feel guilty that she will not have a sibling to hang out with like my boys have but on the other hand I am done with the baby phase and am liking the fact all 3 will be in school full time in the fall! So family of 5 it is for us!
Andrea says
Don’t let yourself feel guilty! Just enjoy the fact that all your children are now potty trained and somewhat self sufficient! 5 is a great number (Dave and I both grew up in families of 5)
Danielle says
Thanks for your post! One thing I am stuggaling with is wanting to have kids. I have always wanted kids, but with the political and environmental climates right now how do you have faith that everything will be okay for them? Is anyone else having these thoughts?
Kelly Hess says
I know there is a lot of bad things going on in our world right now, but you really only have one life to live and you should live your life to the fullest!
Andrea says
YES! exactly!
Andrea says
Hi Danielle,
I know many people are very concerned about our current political culture and society — but I’ll be honest, none of these factors have ever come up when Dave and I discuss having more children. There is absolutely nothing we can do about any of it, and we’re not going to let these factors dictate our lives. There is no way to protect children from everything so I truly don’t even consider any of this. I’m not trying to be naive, I just don’t want to waste time stressing over something I can’t control.
Susanne says
I have always thought 2 boys and 2 girls would make the ideal family. However, my husband and I had our first child (a boy) a little later in life. We are not “old” parents, but after our second child (a girl) was born, we decided to limit our family to 2 children. Otherwise, we felt like we might be “old” parents to any additional children and we might never be able to retire!
Andrea says
2 is a great number — we have LOTS of friends who stopped after 2 and they are all now enjoying traveling and doing fun things with their school-age kids while Dave and I are still home with the babies!
Leigh says
We talked about four when we were dating and always stuck to that as plan A. But we always said we were glad they usually came one at a time. Once we got to where you are, pregnant with thenfourth we were both comfortable with being done. I never have to do this again we’re my pushing words. And every step with the youngest just feels complete.
We also have two and two (boys as bookends), my then four year old said “we are even”
Andrea says
I have wondered what I’ll feel like once this little lady is born — will I continue to feel like it’s the last time I’ll give birth the last time I’ll bring a new baby home, etc. etc. or will I feel like I did with James and know I definitely want to do it again. Only time will tell!
Kaitlin says
Thank you for writing this with such sensitivity. My husband and I originally planned on 4-5 children as well. However, due to years of secondary infertility and struggling for 2 years to get pregnant with our second and now another year and a half struggling for a third we will probably be done after three if we can even have a third. We are emotionally tired and ready to enjoy our life instead of constantly hoping, praying, stressing, etc. I think I will always wonder what our lives would be like with another child or 2, but this was God’s plan for our family and I’m so thankful for the two little boys I have been blessed with.
By the way, congratulations on your new one on the way! I’ve been readinng your blog since before you were even pregnant with Nora (my Caleb is just a few months older than Nora) and have loved following along with your family’s journey.
Andrea says
Thanks so much Kaitlin! Prayers for your baby #3 to come soon!
Lorrie says
Very interesting article! I just have one younger sister and grew up thinking I wanted 3 or 4 children. My husband, however, is the youngest of 9 and wanted none! Or maybe one! After surviving a tubal pregnancy, we eventually had two boys, but both were born 4 weeks early following bedrest (6 weeks with first, 4 months with second) for preterm labor, so my husband said that was IT – no more! So there we stopped, which is kind of sad because our baby goes off to college this fall. 🙁
My sister, on the other hand, has 2 girls and 6 boys. I don’t think they planned it that way, it just sort of happened. 🙂
Andrea says
wow, what a story (both for your and your sister!) We had friends who had lots of complications and stopped after 2 as well — for the mom’s health and their sanity!