Today is a monumental day in the Dekker household.
For the very first time since Nora was born (over 22 months ago) this mama bird is leaving the nest.
And yes, I feel SO anxious, nervous, sad, excited… and guilty.
But I’m getting over it.
I’m headed to San Francisco later tonight for a blogging conference tomorrow (the Evernote Conference). I’m only staying at the conference for one of the two days, but due to the timing of the conference, the flight options, and the 3-hour time difference, I’ll end up being gone for 2 bedtimes and 2 naps.
Things could get ugly my friends.
My little girl has never been away from her mama for more than 6 hours, and she’s almost never fallen asleep without me right there with her (if this sounds crazy, just read this post and you might understand more of our “situation”).
Luckily my sister is staying with Nora while Dave is at school… and she’s ready for anything. She is armed with new toys, new stickers, new crayons, new music CD’s, nail polish, special snacks, and probably a few other tricks up her sleeve…
She can do this (I hope!)
I was telling a friend of mine that this is the first time since being a mother that I’m totally putting myself first — and like I said earlier, I do feel pretty guilty.
I can’t even count how many fun sponsored trips and opportunities I’ve passed up over the last 22 months — all because I knew it wasn’t good timing, and all because of Nora.
Since she absolutely refused to eat any type of baby food, people food, or take a bottle for the first 19 months of her life, there was literally no way I could have left her for more than 5 or 6 hours. She would have starved!
But now that she’s FINALLY eating on her own, I figured this is a great opportunity to accept a super fun, all-expenses paid, nicely compensated, mom-only “vacation” — especially since I’ll be starting all over with a new baby in a few months!
And speaking of the new baby… to satisfy the many requests for a bump picture, here are a few 17 week pictures.
Now that I think about it, these 2 nights could potentially be my first opportunity to have a full night sleep in almost 2 years — and possibly my only chance for the next 2 years. The only problem is, my body is so used to waking up every 30-90 minutes that I highly doubt I’ll actually sleep all night long (but you never know).
Anyway, back to my mom-only vacation…
All day long, I’ll be talking with grown ups — on the airplane, at the conference, at restaurants, at the hotel, etc.
All day long, I’ll be doing whatever I want to do, focusing for more than 10 minutes at a time, and actually remembering what I was supposed to do.
All day long, I’ll be learning new things and exploring new ways to organize information online.
And all day long, I’ll be missing my Nora “baby” so much it hurts.
Seriously friends, I’m not a huge cryer, but you should know there will be tears as I drive to the airport tonight (and not just from Nora!)
Yes, she feel asleep right in the middle of eating a yogurt on my lap the other day!
To be perfectly honest, I was super close to turning this opportunity down. I know how hard it’s going to be for me to leave, I know how traumatic this COULD be for Nora, and I definitely know how trying these 2 days will be for my sister and for Dave — dealing with a little girl who misses her mama really bad.
Thankfully, Dave insisted that I go — well, he didn’t force me to go, but he did strongly encourage me to take this opportunity for ME and for my business. And thankfully, my sister’s work schedule allowed her to stay with Nora for these two days.
Even Nora’s therapist encouraged me to go — although she made it clear that there’s a really good chance Nora will try to “punish” me for leaving. Apparently that’s common in high-need kids Nora’s age. The therapist said she could potentially regress a bit in her eating and be extra super-duper clingy for several days (or more).
BUT, the therapist also said that Nora COULD handle it better than we think and this COULD be just what she needs to force her to function without me (which she’ll have to learn how to do more of once the baby comes).
So who knows, maybe this opportunity came at just the right time for me and my little girl?
But that still doesn’t make me feel less guilty right now. Not guilty in a self-destructive way, just guilty because I know how sad and confused Nora is going to be when I’m not there at bed time, or at nap time, or when she wakes up (and needs extra hugs and snuggles).
She’s so young that we really can’t explain it to her in a way she will understand. We can’t say, “mom will be back in 2 days” and have her understand. She doesn’t even understand when I leave for 2 hours because for some reason, her attachment anxiety prevents her from realizing that even when mom leaves, she ALWAYS comes back!
That’s why I feel so guilty.
Not because she won’t be safe or loved or properly cared for while I’m gone — but just because I know how confused, sad, and even scared she might be.
All due to my absence — something that could easily be avoided if I just stay home.
But I’m not staying home.
I’m leaving, I’m excited, and I’m going to have a really good time being wined and dined (well, maybe “juiced” and dined!)
I’m doing something for ME and although the guilt is still there, it feels really good!
I’ll most definitely be sharing more about my trip, the conference, and any Nora “repercussions” when I get back. But for the next 3 days, if you think of me, Nora, Dave, or my sister — please, say a little prayer.
We will need ALL of them!
Oh, and if you’ll be at the conference, please let me know so we can meet!
stacie says
Andrea my prayers are with you and your family. Just remember YOU are a GREAT MOM and Nora is sooooo lucky to have you and Dave! I pray that Nora will be fine and sleep as normal (her normal). Even though you will be hurting, you really need to take advantage of this time away as you may not have it for awhile. You will be back before you know it, and her arms will be around you!!! God Bless!
Holli says
I remember when I left my boys for the first time. They were 1 and 3. I was SO nervous, but SO excited at the same time. I was gone for two nights and it was awesome. I only found out later that when I called home to see how it was going, my husband turned around while on the phone with me to find our littlest one standing on the dining room table. I did not even know, my hubby was so smooth!
Enjoy!
Cherie in the D says
I will pray for Nora and the family, she will be fine. I am so excited that you are going to the evernote conference, I can not wait to read about all the knowledge you gained. I love, love , love evernote!
Can you find out if they will add a calendar or task feature to the application. Evernote is so simple but has so many features it is taking me some time to navigate through it.
do you use the application? in what ways?
Verity says
That’s wonderful! It sounds like it will be healthy for everyone.
I’ll be praying! Have fun!!
Elizabeth says
Good luck – You are in my prayers that the transition goes smoothly for both of you.
Kristen @ Joyfullythriving says
Good for you! I’m proud of you for going! 🙂 And your baby bump looks very cute! Have a wonderful trip, and I’ll be praying for all of you.
Sue says
She will do great ! So will you.. try to enjoy..
It will be a good thing to see how she reacts and what steps you need to take to improve with this in the future..
Sue in NJ
Pamela says
You go, girl!!! And go with your head held high! Whatever the outcome, it’ll be a great story to tell Nora when she’s a teenager! 🙂
Jen says
Try to have fun! And tell Dave and your sister not to tell you anything bad till after you are home. You deserve a break for sure : ) Enjoy Momma! And you bump is super cute! I’m having my baby next week and I’ve got a little torpedo!
Melissa says
So happy you made the decision to go to the Evernote conference! I’m looking forward to hearing about the experience! When you posted on FB that you were going, my first thought was “that wasn’t planned… how’d she rearrange her schedule like that!?” Maybe you could give everyone a glimpse into rearranging your schedule on a whim like that?
As far as Nora, this will be a good experience for the both of you! When I used to nanny for young kids, I always put time into a perspective they could understand. “I’ll see you in two sleeps!” or “The sooner you go to bed, the sooner mommy will be home.” It seemed to work for them.
Have fun and enjoy the time away! Hopefully you can get some sleep!
Oh and your baby bump is so cute!
Katie says
I hope you have a wonderful time!
Patricia says
Its so much fun fallowing your site… I have a little boy who just turned 3 and a daughter who is Nora’s age (nov 7th ’11) and we are expecting our third child (not planned but very excited) …im 12 weeks, just a few weeks behind you 🙂 So anyway, I just wanted to let you know I love reading your posts! Have a great time being gone!! I completely understand the not getting out thing and how hard it is to leave your baby, but i’m sure she will do great for you and it will be an excellent break for YOU!!
Kellie says
Andrea, I will be praying for sweet Nora (and for the rest of you)! Good for you for taking some time out for yourself. And so proud of you for not allowing your guilty conscience to make you miss out on much-needed mommy time. You’re a great mother and a great encouragement to those who are struggling with leaving their little ones! Good luck!
Andrea says
Andrea – I hope with all of my heart that Nora surprises you all!!! It is SO fabulous that you are taking this opportunity to have some mommy time and for everyone to see that they can survive with you gone for a couple of days. And can I just say that there is NOTHING LIKE A SISTER!!! When you mentioned that she would be helping tears sprung to my eyes. I do not know how I would have gotten through the past 14 years without my sister!!!!
Have a great time! Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to have a good time or get a certain amount done or to sleep through the night… just let whatever happens happen and enjoy it as much as you can.
~Andrea
Stel says
Oh, I remember that first time, and I haven’t done it much more than you! You’ll be fine, she’ll be fine, Dave might need a whiskey. Enjoy your conference.
Abby says
This hits close to home as I am going back to work next week and will leave my 10 week old baby at home. I know I have to work and I want to work but I don’t want to leave my baby either. Have a good trip and everyone will be excited to be reunited!
Debbie says
Awesome! Prayers sent your way!
KimH says
Good for you! All of you, actually! Saying a prayer that it turns out better than you can hope for!
JoAnn C. says
So excited for you. I hope you know what an example you are for this stay-at-home full time caregiver. I hardly ever put myself first because mom’s needs come before mine. But you inspire me always. Thanks. Safe trip. Saying prayers for you and your lovely family.
Michele M says
I just prayed for you. I remember the guilty feeling when my children were small. Relax and have a great time!
Loree says
I’m so excited for you! And even for Nora. We don’t know how she might respond until she has this opportunity. And either way, it will be the next step in caring for her. I know that your family situation is unique (they all are!) but I can’t help thinking of the airline safety briefing that tells us to put our oxygen mask on first, then help children or others around us. I pray this will be a breath of “fresh air” for you Andrea!
Niecey says
I will definitely be praying for your family! Father God, please give Nora peace that passes all understanding. Help Auntie and Daddy to know just the right things to say and do to comfort her when she needs it. Help Andrea to fully be at the conference and courageous in her knowing that she needs to fill her own pitcher in order to pour out to others. I pray Nora’s therapist is right … and that this amazing little one will handle this separation with grace. Amen
Kalyn Brooke | Creative Savings says
How did I not know Evernote had a conference? I LOVE my Evernote!
Have fun, and will definitely be saying a quick prayer for you!
Janet says
Andrea, I just read your post and stopped to pray for all of you right now. I am trusting God that this will be a time of great blessing for all of you.
Abbey says
Will definitely say a prayer or two! It is so hard to leave when you know they don’t understand and get scared you’ll never be back. Hope Nora copes better than imagined and you have a wonderful time!
Allyson says
I just read this article and the article about your high needs baby. I only wish I had come across that article 5 years ago when my high needs baby was born.
C is our 5th child. By the time you reach baby number 5 you feel pretty confident that you have parenting down to a pretty fine art. Imagine my surprise when every single thing I did with my other 4 kids had no effect on C and in fact made everything worse.
It got to a point that i would cave to every demand just to buy myself minutes of peace. It was when he was 3 and I realized he was running out house that I sought out therapy for me, but from a play therapist. BEST.DECISION.EVER. Like you we were able to immediately see a change in his behavior. I try to describe it to others as him just speaking a different language. He’s now 5 and just started Kindergarten. Every new change to routine like this one sets him back a bit but then we go back to the basics that we used to first make changes and that usually helps correct the course very quickly.
The article you linked to about how to tell if you have a high needs child is accurate. C is so in tune to others needs and emotions. He is positively the sweetest most compassionate child and he warms my heart.
I know this is hard to understand but someday when you aren’t in the “thick” of it everyday you’ll see this too. C made me a better mother, person, and increased my compassion, patience, and understanding more than any other thing ever could.
I understand your guilt. I SOOO understand your guilt. Enjoy your time away and know that even if she has a hard time, this won’t kill her or you. It’s all relative. 🙂 Bless you from another Momma to a high needs child.
Allyson says
PS. We had a child after C. That loving compassion that he holds worked in our favor he was a loving wonderful brother that loved to “take care” of his sister. When she would cry he would run to her because it broke his heart that she might be sad. 😉 Just a glimpse of an upside. 🙂
Five4FiveMeals says
Go! Go! GO! I am so proud of you, Andrea. I know this is hard, but this is a good opportunity for you both and you need a break. We all do.
Julianne says
Praying that you enjoy your much needed time away and that Nora, Dave & your sister do much better than you could expect or hope. Enjoy your time away and as an experienced mother of a grown son, let me say this: feeling guilty is a waste of your time. You’ve given so much of yourself to Nora that a few hours away will be good for both of you. Just say no to guilt.
Michelle says
I applaud your (and Dave’s) decision.
It is hard .. I do know this. As a mamma of 4 children, 2 with special needs, I do realize how hard this is for you.
From a slightly different perspective, though, think about the benefits of preparing Nora for seperation from you while the circumstances are good and you’re able to plan for it. Life is unpredictable and, especially with a second pregancy and child, there can be circumstances that might pull you away from home unexpectely. Try to think of this “vacation” as something to help Nora (and you!).
Kathy says
What a big and important step for all of you. I look forward to hearing all about it upon your return. My son (who just turned 4) has similar issues as Nora and as a result, I have never left him for more than the time I am at work. Never overnight. Have a wonderful time and try to enjoy all the newness you encounter.
Jennifer says
Definitely will be praying for you guys. That’s a great big step, Andrea. Very proud of you for taking it and for blogging it with us 🙂 Have a wonderful trip and congrats on baby #2!
Julie H says
Have a great time!!! And I pray that Nora will do well too and enjoy her time with her Auntie!
Living So Abundantly says
Awe! I will definitely be praying for all of you. What a great opportunity for you and your family! Whenever I’m away from my loved ones, this verse keeps me sane: The Lord watch between you and me, when we are out of one another’s sight. ~Genesis 31:49b Knowing that God’s got control, even if things seem out of control(or have the potential to be), is comforting. Best wishes!!!
Jen says
I hope that you are pleasantly surprised by how well Nora handles you being gone! Earlier this year I had the chance to take a week-long trip with my sister and parents while my husband stayed home with our four kids, including our 18 month old daughter was very attached to her mama. She did amazing and it was such a good thing for her relationship with her dad. Go and enjoy!
Megan @ Monroe Makeshift says
Praying for all of you! I’m sure she’ll great, it sounds like she’s got a lot of distractions to keep her mind off missing you. And even it she isn’t great, it’s just two days. Two days that she probably won’t remember a year from now. Hopefully by then she’ll be on to a new season of independence!
Rebecca says
Oh how I feel your pain and guilt! The first time leaving her for an extended period time will be the hardest.
Who am I kidding, I am no expert on that! I was supposed to go back to work after having my first, went to work that day (my awesome mother-in-law was even watching her) and felt so bad for leaving my baby that I quit my job on the spot all while breaking down in tears! Not helping here, am I? Haha! No, my husband was NOT happy! It all worked out though, because we ended up having several circumstances in which I wouldn’t have been able to work anyway. Everything happens for a reason!
Just know that Nora will be fine and she is with people who love her. And, she won’t remember this when she is older, right?
Jess says
Good for you!! We took our first overnight away from the twins (20 months old) just last week. It was so, so worth it to feel like an adult and not just a mommy. The boys did better than I expected, and the reunion was pretty sweet too! 🙂 Have a great time!
Victoria says
I hope you have a great time. Nora is blessed to have a momma like you and I am guessing she will be just fine she sounds like she is going to be in great hands.
Jen says
I think you have a VERY wise husband, who is putting his wife first and knows how important this break is for YOU!
Praying that Nora barely notices your absence because she’s having so much fun-and praying that YOU are rewarded with a a refreshing, recharging, and rejuvenating time away! And that you get lots of Nora hugs and smiles upon your return.
Happy travels!!
Organize 365 says
YEAH!!!! MAMA!!!
SO excited for you!! I am BEEN there and it is WORTH it. SUPER excited for you! I only wish somehow I could be at that conference with you, You are amazing!
🙂
Lisa