As we embark on another holiday season with the best intentions to give generously, I’d love for us to pause and consider the thought processes behind our desire to give.
There are so many times when we (myself included) have our own agendas for giving — we want to give what WE want to give, whether or not it is useful, needed, or appreciated by the recipient because we like that feeling of being helpful, of being generous, of knowing we “did our part”.
But… is that the point of giving?
Shouldn’t we be more concerned with meeting the needs of those we are giving to?
My goal is certainly not to discourage generosity, but rather, to encourage intentional thought as we consider the ways we can BEST BLESS our local charities, churches, schools, disaster relief organizations, friends, and family.
Let’s make sure we aren’t just “giving to satisfy ourselves”.
1. Donation Center Drop-Offs
I’m a huge advocate for decluttering, selling, and donating things we no longer need, use, want, or love. However, just because we don’t need, use, want, or love something does NOT mean our local donation center will need, use, want, or love it either.
One man’s trash is not always another man’s treasure — and bringing our “trash” to a donation center creates more work and expense for the organization.
If your stuff doesn’t work, if it’s missing important pieces, if it’s ripped or torn, or if it’s outdated, just put it in your own trash or figure out how to recycle it.
I’ve talked with local donation centers about this in the past — it’s a big issue (read more of my thoughts on this topic here).
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2. Food Pantry Gifts
The next time you donate to a food pantry or food drive, please do not go through your pantry and pull out the foods you don’t like or anything that is expired (food pantries are required to trash any expired foods.)
Instead, head to the store and purchase the requested items — even if you can’t afford more than a small bag of donated food, it will be more usable than expired castoffs from the back of your pantry.
Alternatively, consider donating $5 or $10 directly to the food pantry. Most food pantries buy in bulk at reduced prices and can buy significantly more with your cash donation than you could at a grocery store.
Also, keep an eye out for “doubled days” or “tripled days” — our local Meijer stores offer incentivized days where customers can donate any amount of money towards the food pantry and Meijer will double or triple that amount!
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3. Disaster Relief Donations
I am not extremely knowledgeable on how disaster relief donations work — but I’ve read enough to know that there are lots of unhelpful donations given with good intentions (I’m assuming they were good intentions!)
For example: Americans sent winter coats to Honduras in the summer (source).
Americans sent so many unneeded toys and stuffed animals to the children affected by the Sandy Hook Shooting that the local relief organizations had to rent warehouses to store everything and find extra volunteers to sort through it all (source).
On a more personal note, family friends of ours were devastated by a house fire while on vacation. They lost everything and had very specific requests for donated goods (specific sizes of clothing, certain gift cards, etc.) Even still, they ended up with so much unwanted stuff that they asked for all donations to stop because it was too much work to sort through everything.
This quote sums it up pretty well:
“Generally after a disaster, people with loving intentions donate things that cannot be used in a disaster response, and in fact may actually be harmful,” said Juanita Rilling, director of the Center for International Disaster Information in Washington, D.C. “And they have no idea that they’re doing it.” (source)
We hear of a need and we want to help — but in reality, the best way to help is by donating money (and prayer).
4. Operation Christmas Child Shoeboxes
This is another one I’ve touched on before, but our school just collected these boxes so I want to mention it again.
These shoeboxes are great, the organizations behind them are fantastic, and I’m confident the people sending boxes are doing it with the best of intentions… but so often, the contents of the boxes are innapropriate for the children receiving them.
They get toys with English instructions, markers and crayons with no paper to use them on, and personal hygiene and cosmetic items that are not culturally appropriate.
If you’re packing shoe boxes this year, use these guidelines from the Samaritans Purse website.
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5. Mission Trips and Service Projects:
I’ve heard many stories from pastors, missionaries, and non-profit organizations about mission trips and service projects executed with the best of intentions… but that don’t actually serve the community in need.
They serve OUR need to feel like we are giving back and doing something helpful, but that’s not the point (at least it shouldn’t be the point).
In Jen Hatmaker’s book (For the Love) she talks about an Ethiopian community that put dirt and mud on specific buildings every year because there was one church group that insisted on cleaning and repainting these specific buildings year after year. The building did not need to be cleaned or repainted and the community asked the church to do different acts of service — but they wanted to paint… so they painted.
Again, I’m not an expert and I don’t have all the answers — but I think it’s wise to make sure our service projects are actually serving the communities we visit, not just our own desire to serve.
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6. General Gift-Giving:
Most of my examples above focused on giving donated goods and services; however, this principle applies to general gift-giving with friends and family — especially at Christmas time!
Consider the “fun grandma” or the “favorite aunt” who spoils the grandchildren/nieces/nephews every birthday and holiday, even though the parents have asked them to scale back.
Or the last-minute shopper who simply buys the first thing they come across that could possibly work for that person on their list.
And the re-gifter who gives from the closet of outdated items they no longer want or use.
Now, I have no issues with wanting to be the fun grandma, with a little procrastination, or with re-gifting… as long as you are intentional about it.
Be the fun grandma who has the kids over for the weekend (giving the parents a break), does all the fun crafts and activities with them (while keeping them on their normal sleep schedule), spoils them with (a few) special treats, and has all the best toys (which you keep at your house) for them to play with.
Be the last-minute shopper who buys a generous gift card you know the recipient will love, paired with a heartfelt note.
Be the re-gifter who keeps a stocked closet of items that are actually useful and gives intentional thought to what the recipient might like most — paired with a small gift card for them to purchase something of their choice.
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7. Everyday Gifts of Service:
Acts of service are my top love language so this one hits close to home for me. So often in my life, I’ve done “helpful” acts of service (at least I thought they were helpful) only to find out later that it would have been better if I had “helped” in other ways. 😬
So take it from me — ask before being “helpful”!
For example:
That new neighbor who just moved in might appreciate a gift card to the local deli more than homemade food from “strangers”. People are weird about homemade food these days and so many have allergies so it’s often wiser to stick with packaged stuff until you know them better.
The family from your church who just had another baby might appreciate an offer to take the older kids out of the house for a few hours versus another meal her picky kiddos won’t eat. Or, then again, she might appreciate a meal — just ask and be OK with her answer!
Your child’s school probably needs more parent volunteers — but it might not be for the fun stuff everyone else volunteers for. Ask the principal or other administrator where the greatest volunteer need is, and then actually sign up for it.
Even in your own family, there might be surprising ways you can help your spouse or children (young or adult) but you aren’t aware because you haven’t asked.
Giving with the best of intentions…
In most of my examples, the intentions of the givers were good, kind, and sincere.
I choose to believe that most people do not intend to create more work for nonprofits, burden victims of disasters and developing communities, or give unwelcome gifts to family and friends — but without realizing it, this is what can happen when we “give to satisfy ourselves”.
So keep giving, keep being generous with your time and resources… but also, think and ask how your gifts can best be used by the recipient to create a win-win situation for everyone!
Michelle Bonk says
I agree with all of this!
To give for the sake of giving without any consideration to who/what/how that gift is received … not really the point is it?!
Sherry says
Real tree for us! Part of the fun is picking out the perfect tree!
Andrea says
love it — I’m sure your home smells amazing! Maybe we’ll get a real tree one of these years 🙂
Catherine says
Another great post. Thank you 🙂
Jennifer says
Thank you for this important information. A little more thought can make our efforts go a longer way. My own mother is so generous but she constantly buys and donates things for others that SHE believes are useful or necessary. When I try to talk to her about it she just says things like, “No one can have too many ___,” or “This is the best ___ for ___.” People can really get stuck on what works for them and believe it must be best for everyone. I want to be more conscious of my gift-giving and donations, so thank you for bringing these points to my attention.
Andrea says
Yup! I can totally relate!
Part of me thinks “well yes, the giver should get joy and satisfaction from their efforts” but the other part always comes back with “but we’re supposed to be helping OTHERS, not ourselves.”
Bonnie'sMama says
The Hobbit calls obligatory little junk gifts “mathems.” These were often passed around throughout the community and were just a fact of life.
But I’m not a hobbit and I hate mathems! They are a waste of time and money, and they clutter up my life.
Andrea, my love language is also giving, and of the 7 motivational spiritual gifts, giving is definitely mine! For givers, unwise giving at all levels is a big deal because it is such a core part of our design. We are designed by God to care deeply about the wise use of resources; we get such a charge out of connecting people to the resources they need or would enjoy. So it grieves us deeply to see time, energy, and stuff wasted.
You preach and I’ll holler “Amen!”
Nancy Pease says
Great article, Andrea. Several months ago, one of my relative’s first child was born at 28 weeks and spent almost 3 months in the NICU across the country from their home. I think she’s doing pretty well now, but I read up on what preemie parents go through, need and want and so glad I did. Perhaps if the situation is one we’ve not experienced, hearing from others who have could be a helpful first step before we act. BTW, my mom just told me she’s giving them a gift certificate for house cleaning!
Jenny says
I picked up an Operation Christmas Shoebox thinking it was for local children. I was pretty shocked that it costs ~7$ to ship and process. I couldn’t help but wonder if it would be more efficient to simply send the money instead of the boxes?
There is also the environmental impact to consider, when toys made in China are shipped to the U.S. and then we in turn ship them to other countries. I also didn’t know what the impact would be on the local economy. I didn’t want to ruin the experience of everyone eagerly filling their shoeboxes, but the whole thing made me very uncomfortable.
Susanne says
Very good article! Here is what I learned by working at our local food closet. The local food closet buys food VERY inexpensively from the regional food bank and can certainly buy more with a specific dollar amount than I could buy with the same amount of money. However, our local food closet cannot buy personal hygiene items, laundry or dish detergent, toilet paper or paper towel products. When I buy items for donating, I always buy shampoo, soap, dish and laundry detergent because these items are not plentiful and have to be rationed.
Jen says
But I want to say that our local Salvation Army does get money for rags/cloth- they bale all the cloth items that are not sellable, wearable, or useable and get money from factories that make carpet padding. So just check about if there is anyplace to donate rags before throwing them into the landfill trash!
Sandy says
I agree with most of the article about the Operation Christmas Child shoeboxes, except for the stuffed animals. The organization specifically asks for stuffed animals. There may be some cultures where the animals may be so unfamiliar that they confuse the kids, but for the most part they are a beloved part of the gift. A good alternative however, is a soccer ball, or some other significant item that the child will enjoy long after some of the other things have been used up.
Julie V. says
This was a much needed blog post Andrea. You hit on many of my pet peeves of giving and service. Many times the subconscious reasons for serving and giving are only to make ourselves feel better/helping etc. We also need to figure out why we teach our children to help others thousands of miles away when we have needs in our own community. A few years ago I read a small article in our local newspaper about a youth group in Wisconsin that was coming to our town (full of churches) to paint and clean some properties in our town. I thought what a waste of resources for our youth groups to travel to other cities to do service projects when they could just stay local. Sometimes there are just more efficient ways to serve.
Andrea says
I agree! I also appreciate that our church often focuses on meeting the needs of people in our own community and even our very own congregation on a very regular basis. It might not be glamorous like an overseas trip, but it sure is helpful and appreciated!
Emily says
Great article Andrea! I can tell you put much thought into it and the information you shared is very insightful. And it did not come across as snotty or ungrateful. 😉 We all need wisdom when it comes to how we spend our money and resources and giving to others is just another part of that.
LISA ANDERSON says
SUPER article!
Brooke Shindler says
Thank you for this post! I’ve volunteered with food banks and with a local children’s charity, and I’m always amazed at the junk people donate. It’s takes volunteer resources to sort it, and then the garage bill! The agency I volunteer at has the trash 6 car seats every week because people drop off expired seats. The folks we give the goods to have dignity, and don’t deserve badly stained and ripped clothing, or unsafe products.
Katie says
There is a fascinating book on this topic I read recently. It is called Toxic Charity by Robert Lupton if anyone is interested in diving deep on this topic. Your points were great and it did not come across as snotty or ungrateful. Thank you for the reminder about being thoughtful with our choices and good stewards with our (God’s) money.
Andrea says
Thanks for sharing this book Katie!
Julie says
Great post! I too immediately thought of Robert Lupton’s book and his work here in Atlanta. It will change your perspective on giving. A must read for anyone who loves to help others!
Andrea says
Ok thanks Julie — I’m going to check if our library has this book and reserve it!
EI says
Andrea, PREACH! I love your no-nonsense attitude and this post just absolutely nails it. I’m sharing this far and wide.
happy holidays to you and your fam. I feel weird saying this b/c we don’t know each other, but I can’t believe Nora is five! I still remember anxiously awaiting the post that she had arrived!
Keep up the great work!
Andrea says
Thanks so much 🙂
And don’t feel weird — I have people stop me in the grocery store all the time. They often admit to recognizing my kids first 🙂
Avia says
This is a really well thought out post. I’ve had similar conversations recently with friends and family members as we have a friend who has been suddenly diagnosed with a terminal illness. Everyone wants to “help” because everyone feels terrible for the person and wishes they could do something to make it better. But most of the “help” isn’t help at all and just puts pressure on the family when it’s the last thing they need. It’s sometimes harder to just step back and do nothing (or do something that really does help but isn’t at all glamorous).
Andrea says
yes, exactly — especially about the “do something that’s not glamorous” part!
Beatriz says
This was a really thoughtful post, thank you for that. I know I’ve been guilty of that sometimes and I have definitely seen that behavior in people I know.
In 2017 I want to be more involved in my community and I will definitely keep this in mind, thank you.
Julie S-H says
Dear All,
All good points, thank you Andrea. Also I wanted to add if you adopt a family for Christmas with an agency or non-profit- awesome!- but be sure you bring in the items according to instruction. I worked in a domestic violence shelter and we had many many beautiful gifts (firemen bringing in the Christmas tree was always fun!) but people who brought gifts for Christmas at the closing of the day on Christmas Eve were so unappreciated by staff. By then the staff has already scrambled to cover the family for Christmas, and of course the staff is ready to go home to their own home. Also, sometimes people would bring gifts wrapped if they are supposed to be unwrapped or vica versa. I don’t think people realize we were dealing with hundreds of gifts to multiple homes and families, it’s a big job. Last minute extras or wrongly timed gifts rarely get to the intended recipient and then have to be stored. Of course the thought is always appreciated, but it is such a shame and a waste and with some more thought or better timing the gift could have been fantastic. Happy Holidays everyone!!
Andrea says
oh such good points here Julie!
Once again, I think so many people just assume that ‘something is better than nothing’ when really, in this case, “nothing” might be prefered over late gifts that don’t match up with the rules or guidlines.
Thanks for sharing your perspective!
Lydia Senn says
Yes! Resounding yes! However, our food pantry does ask for diapers, toiletries and baby formula because those things often cannot purchased through their funds. So it’s a good idea to ask organizations what they need directly.
Andrea says
Yes, ours always asks for diapers! We also have a local organization who JUST donates diapers — lots and lots and lots of diapers!
Stel says
I agree with so many point, but specifically with aid to Africa. I’ve been involved on the fringes with water supply projects, where a team of people are sent to South Africa, they stay in expensive guesthouses, they trample around because they don’t know the communities, he infrastructure, the geology and in the end subcontract a local professional to do what they were sent to do…if only they contracted the professional in the first place. And so millions are wasted. And likewise with toy drives by churches and well-meaners.
Here I can get a list as to what a person would need at the night shelter: practical stuff, soap, lotion, feminine products.
Cathy says
Andrea,
These are such good points but one thing I’d like to add is that if you are on the receiving end how important it is to accept these gifts as graciously as possible. I haven’t always done so and I really regret it. It’s a lot trickier when it’s a charity or volunteer situation, but when it’s a truly well-intentioned friend or family member, expressing more gratitude than you really feel may be the best gift you can give in return.
ShellyL says
I agree with this. i still have memories of when I, as a new wife, got gifts for my sister-in-law. They were not great gifts because I didn’t know her very well. She reacted poorly more than once, and even 23 years later, I hate shopping for her. Actually, I don’t even get her anything anymore. I just get for her children. It causes hard feelings within families. They often miss the mark with my gift as well, but I think it is important to respond with grace and appreciation for the thought.
Andrea says
oh that’s sad 🙁
Andrea says
yes for sure! I’ve definitely been guilty of not receiving gifts as well as I should have, but I’m getting better 🙂
Mary Ann says
This is good! Along with #7, I had to think of something my Mom told me about when my brother was little. Once he was diagnosed as deaf, he began going to speech therapy and “school” around age 2, not to mention all his appointments. We lived quite a ways from his therapy so Mom ended up spending several hours on the road each day. This took a toll on her with a newborn (Me!) and a kindergartner. Our church family helped by bringing in some meals, which Mom says was a huge help and she graciously accepted them. But since she loved to cook, cooking meals was a stress-reliever and a relaxing activity for her. And she needed that time to help her cope with her daily life at that time. Offering to run errands, do housecleaning, etc. would have been a better choice. Asking her what would be most helpful would have been nice. Later on, some friends helped with driving my brother back and forth to school so she wasn’t having to do every trip and that was very much appreciated!
I always think of that when I want to help someone. What would actually be helpful to them? Obviously sometimes, we don’t know what to do so we do it with the best of intentions and hope it will be a blessing as we intended it to be. But other times, finding out what would be most appreciated can make all the difference!
I read that article about OCC gifts last year and it really opened my eyes to packing a box that is more beneficial to the recipient.
Andrea says
Yes, I have lots of similar stories from friends or acquaintances — everyone just wants to help, which is great. But so often, they “help” in ways that aren’t useful or needed.
That said, there have been a few times when I have specifically asked people how I could best help them, only to have them reply with “whatever you want to do is fine.” In one instance, I suggested bringing a meal on a certain day and they agreed that would be helpful. However, when I brought the meal I realized they were just getting ready to fly out the door for newborn family pictures and wouldn’t even have time to eat it. I asked why she didn’t request a different day and she said “because I didn’t want to bother you”.
Sigh… what’s the point of offering to help if they don’t even let me know the best way to help. So I “wasted” my afternoon making them food they weren’t even going to eat.
Oh well… at least I tried!
Leanne says
The OCC info was excellent!!!!! thank you!! I pinned that article for next year!
ShellyL says
This is excellent. I’m going to pin it also.
Meghan says
This is all so true! However, the “givers” who do the things mentioned in the article do so because think of themselves first before they think of others. I would be surprised if someone with these traits recognized their behavior mentioned in the post, reflected on it, and changed, but we can hope!
Jessica says
Agree 100%. At the beginning of this holiday season I sent an email to DH and I’s 6 siblings and parents about what our 4 kiddos could use, things they didn’t need, that they didn’t need to buy them gifts just because they are supposed to (2 siblings live states away), etc. My own mother called me ungrateful and asked how I could take away the joy it brings HER to shop for her grandchildren. Obviously, her needs come first, and it doesn’t matter the way we are choosing to raise our family . . . . .
Meghan says
I’m in a similar situation. I’ve asked my mom to only buy my kids 1 toy and 1 clothing item (plus she insists on doing stockings), and she acts
like I am so unreasonable and am taking away her joy.
Jenn S. says
That’s appalling! It is obviously your and your DH’s choice on how to raise your family. If she can’t respect it, that’s a problem!