Before Nora was born, I was frequently informed that my days of a clean and organized home were limited, because after my new baby arrived, I would have no more time for cleaning, organizing, or caring for our home.
I even heard (on numerous occasions) phrases like:
“I can’t wait to see your house after your baby is born — I bet it will be a disaster.”
“Just wait. After your baby is born, you’ll understand why our house is so messy and disorganized.”
So, after Nora was born, I gave myself permission to have a messier home if necessary… but I found that it was actually quite easy to keep up with housework — even though Nora rarely ever took naps and was an extremely fussy, high-needs baby.
Although having a baby IS completely life-changing, within a month or two, I had developed a very basic cleaning method that allowed me to quickly clean all the areas of our home, just a few minutes at a time.
No, our house wasn’t spotless (that’s never my goal), and I didn’t spend every waking moment worrying about cleaning and organizing (you all know how busy I am with other things). However, our house was always clean ENOUGH for us to feel comfortable.
So I figured the rude comments and sarcastic remarks would stop — however, THEN I started getting comments like:
“My house is messy but at least my children are happy.”
“I have my priorities straight — and my children come before housework.”
Really?
Are you kidding me!
Now they’re implying that Nora is somehow less happy or less loved simply because my home is relatively clean and organized?
Give me a break!
Nora is always loved, but she is not always happy. However, I can guarantee that if she’s not happy, it’s certainly NOT a result of me taking 15 minutes out of my day to run the vacuum, make the bed, and fold a load of laundry.
It’s usually because she can’t have another cookie, or it’s raining and she can’t go outside, or I took a rock out of her mouth, or she got in trouble after climbing up on the kitchen table… again.
Nora’s happiness has nothing to do with how clean or messy our home is.
.
I’m assuming you’ve all seen photos like this floating around Facebook and Pinterest.
PLEASE don’t buy into this nonsense.
Yes, I understand the idea behind these photos and phrases — that good moms make time for their kids and don’t stress out about smaller, less important things like household chores.
However…
Being a “good mom” (as if there’s even a way to actually define what makes a good mom) has NOTHING to do with how clean or messy her house is. Nothing!
In my opinion, being a “good mom” means loving your children, doing hard things when you really don’t feel like doing them, doing the best you can, learning from your mistakes, and then waking up the next day to do it all over again.
If I’m not mistaken, we can do all of these things with either a clean or messy home — they are NOT connected in any way.
A messy home in no way determines the “goodness” of your mothering abilities or the happiness of your children.
.
You all know how busy I am — I work more than full-time hours (Dave does too during the school year), we have a huge list of home/yard projects, we’re both involved in school, church, and community, we spend lots of time with friends and family… and we’re still able to maintain a relatively clean and organized home each day. But that’s because cleanliness and organization are important to both of us.
However, if cleanliness and organization are not at the top of your to-do list, that’s fine… honestly!
While I personally prefer clean over messy, this preference in no way determines the quality of my mothering abilities — and it doesn’t determine yours either!
You can be a good mother with happy children AND a clean home.
I promise!
However, you can also be a fabulous mother with happy children and a messy house 🙂
.
So do me a favor — the next time you see those silly quotes and photos pop up on Facebook and Pinterest, don’t “like” them, don’t “share” them, don’t “re-pin” them, and don’t say anything like this to another mom.
These phrases are sending negative messages to women and moms, especially new moms — none of us need any more negativity.
And honestly, if we’re going to say that being messy and neglecting our house work somehow makes us better mothers, then why don’t we “like” and “share” and “pin” this message…
Doesn’t that just sound ridiculous — as if the state of a garage or a car or a lawn could determine how good of a father some guy is!
.
If you want to like, share, or pin something – how about this:
OK, I’m climbing down off my soapbox and will be back to regular programming tomorrow!
UPDATE: I did a follow up to this post… here 🙂
Lynn Durkovic Nelson says
Absolutely brillant!
Diana says
Love this! (Not that my house is clean and neat all the time…) I think as moms we know what kind of unhappy our kids are–sometimes they need us to just be with them and focus on them, and sometimes they’re hungry, tired, mad at the world, or bored.
If I’m cleaning instead of being with my child when he needs ME, that might be a problem. If I’m doing normal chores to keep the house livable and he’s just bored and won’t play with his toys, that’s a different story. I can tell the difference, and I bet every other mom can too!
Aysh says
I love you… I love love you!! You are one person who spoke what I have been telling everyone around! It doesn’t make you a bad mom if your kids are happy AND your house is clean! lol!
Btw, I am a mum to three with a fourth on the way and I was told that I’d never have time for my clean house or my crochet craze or a career when I was having my first. I am a work at home mum now… and I do loads! Now they label me ‘Super mom!’ 🙂
Jane says
I have trained myself to avoid looking at most quotes on FB and Pinterest….but I like yours. I agree that good parenting has nothing to do with having a clean or dirty house! I like a clean house….I feel calmer, but it is not easy to manage. I will say that through the ups and downs of parenting, there are a few moments of pride….like when my 21 year old son, who works so hard at his jazz piano studies, says he works hard because he learned that from his parents. Wow. My husband and I were flabbergasted….once in a blue moon, we feel like we did something right!
MommaO says
It could also be said that if you love your children, you will provide them a safe home environment – which means that you don’t let dishes pile up in the sink for days allowing germs to spread everywhere – that you do run the vacuum or mop up the mess that they will be crawling/rolling over – etc etc. But that still has nothing to do with “messy”. I do laundry on a regular basis – but I am horrible about putting clothes away. So the that part makes me “messy” – not “dirty”.
People need to understand the difference and realize that having children isn’t an excuse to NOT do things – it just gives you reasons as to why the house doesn’t look like a museum. 🙂
Catherine says
Thank heavens I am not the only one who thinks that whole link is ridiculous!! I frequently do have a messy home but I prefer it to be clean and tidy. However, it certainly doesn’t become a mark of ‘honor’ that somehow my children are better loved! I have loathed this whole thing for ages and I love your post about it!
Christy Galba says
Amen Sista!! I agree! I have very happy children, they are loved, and all sorts of attention is given to them, but i also have a semi-clean and organized home! 🙂 Thank you for reminding us of these very important points!!
Yarelis says
Excellent post!!
Kelly Combs says
Go girl! I posted a like-minded post the other day, not about organization, but about saying NO to “mediocre mothering.” We are setting the standards too low. Thanks for your post, I appreciate it SO MUCH!! If you’d like to read (no pressure to do so), it’s here:
http://www.chattykelly.com/2013/05/mediocre-mothering.html
Caitlin says
Thank you so much for this post, Andrea. I, too, am a person that prefers clean vs. messy and being organized. I know I am a much more balanced and peaceful person, mother, wife, etc. when I have my house functioning this way. When I see those posts on FB and comments from my friends, I feel as if they are implying that I must be a bad mom. Your post has really helped me put into perspective: Organization and cleanliness is a top priority and will only benefit my son and husband for the few minutes a day it takes to keep on top of things. Is it as perfect before we had Jackson…no. But, it’s manageable and we are completely comfortable with it. What a breath of fresh air!! Can’t thank you enough!!
Caitlin
Anabela says
Great post. Although I understand the idea behind the phrase I don’t agree with it. It passes a wrong message, like you said. I don’t have a clean house all the time but the cleaning basics are made each day. Because an organized home allows you to have more quality time to play with your kids and do all the fun stuff with them. Besides that you are also teaching them something. You are theaching them that you could be much more productive and focus on your tasks better. You can teach them to live with less things and less stress (because their mom’s are less stress out). I think these things are important too.
Thank you for your wonderful words.
Anabela
Dora says
Could not agree more. When I look around my house and see mess everywhere I am so cranky. This is my inspiration article for today and I shall go PURGE!
I am a mom of 4, ages 4yrs to 12 yrs. I absolutely detest the phrase “just you wait” from people who have walked the stage of life I am in before me. Their “just you wait” will never, ever be my story as we are different people. (AND, quite frankly, their “just you wait” inspires me to do it BETTER!) People said it when we got married and say it all the time now that we have kids. Keep humming along at YOUR family’s normal. You have a beautiful life!
Sandra says
Bravo! Thank you for this, I often thought how bad a mom I was because I do clean, I clean a lot, I like it clean. Doesn’t mean we don’t live in our house, we do, I just don’t leave it that way at the end of the day…and I do have kids, and I also ran a family daycare for many years. Cleaning is a priority for me, doesn’t mean my kids don’t come first. It would be like saying good mothers don’t excercise, or take time out for themselves. Cleaning is my hobby,lol 🙂
Jennifer says
Right on! Love the “good dad” sign you found! Great point!
Marie says
I get your point. I do. But I think the purpose of those quotes is to make us feel better when we’re too busy driving multiple kids to multiple activities that we don’t have time to mop the floor. I enjoy a clean home. However, I admit to leaving the house in such a disarray at times of super busyness. I had visions of Law & Order detectives having to show up and saying there were signs of struggle when really it was just us leaving in a hurry!
Liz says
Great post! I really do love your honesty in everything that you write. I too prefer a messy over dirty house any day of the week. With 3 little ones, the children and I try to make sure every room in the house is picked up before we leave to go play elsewhere. It helps keep the clutter under control throughout the day. Let’s all try to make loving and learning for and with our children a top priority!
Theresa says
Thank you Andrea, you have no idea how much I needed to hear this! I have been putting some serious mommy guilt on myself lately. Thank you for helping me change my mindset.
Alana @ Sparrow + Grace says
Yes, yes, yes! I, too, appreciate a clean and orderly home. Quotes like the one you mention have definitely contributed to feelings of guilt over telling my son to play on his own while I tend to a task or two. I agree that the two {state of the home versus happiness of kids} have absolutely nothing to do with each other.
Lori says
Love love LOVE this post! Keep it up!
Rhonda High says
AMEN!! I could add a lot more but you already have 84 comments so I’ll stick with Amen! )
kathy w says
Way to go! I couldn’t agree more.
Krista says
Thank you!
Catherine says
My favourite part of this post is seeing Nora sitting on the table…….it made me giggle. My little girl is often in trouble for doing the exact same thing! Love your site Andrea – thanks for sharing!
Rebecca says
Love this!
Rebecca S. says
I really appreciate your blog because it really helps us moms who really struggle with being organized and not being a pack rat. You have really encouraged me that living with less stuff is really okay. And no, a messy house does not make you a good mother. It makes me very stressed! So keep up the good work and ignore those mean people.
Amy U says
I have seven kids and I think it depends a lot on their individual nature how messy the house gets and how much time we spend teaching them to pick up after themselves. Also, I found it easier with two children, but when my third came it was a lot harder to take care of them and me and a newborn and myself. When the stress high, nobody is happy, regardless of how much effort we put into cleaning. The state of mom’s mind, not the state of the house, determines how happy the kids are. And sometimes the state of the house reflects mom’s state of mind.The quotes you displayed from pinterest are just excuse, don’t you think? A way to denigrate moms who seem to handle things better than the writers of those lines.
Hannah says
This post really resonates with me.
My house is usually messy and I am trying to change because I hate it! Like you I work from home and I also have a 7 year old, 4 year old, and three month old. I DO NOT think it makes me a good mother to have a messy house, in fact I KNOW that it makes me a stressed mother because things are disorganised and hurried, things get lost, tempers are shorter (for everyone, not just me!), and I know that when my house is (rarely) clean and organised everyone is more relaxed and able to enjoy life. I think that phrase was made up to try to make messy people feel less guilty about their mess.
I think it’s so important for children to learn to keep their lives tidy and organised so that they are able to more easily grab opportunities throughout their lives and I am determined to keep striving towards that for our family.
Anyway, this is something I am working on and I just loved everything you had to say about it and I actually REALLY needed to read this post today so thank you, thank you!!
Lisa the Farm Lady says
You made a very good point there, Hannah, when you said that it is important for kids to learn to keep their lives tidy & organized so they can grab opportunities that may come their way. I never thought of that before but it sure makes sense!
Amy says
I loved this post! I recently cut back my schedule a little because I was just so overwhelmed. I have to say that now my house is finally how I like it again and I feel like a better mom not a worse one!
Janice says
Oh, Andrea, your philosophy of life is right on the mark! I’ve loved your “progress not perfection” statement and I quote it often. My husband’s idea has always been moderation in all things and I’ve loved him extra for that. Some of us moms think in terms of extremes that either we can be a great mother to our children or we can be good housekeepers. That is a real fallacy and can put us into a judgmental state of both others and ourselves. I learned a wonderful spiritual concept many years ago from I Corinthians 14:40 which teaches “But let all things be done properly and in an orderly manner.” There’s nothing like moderation along with orderliness to help abate the stresses of life. Thanks, Andrea, for never laying unreasonable methods and goals for us. I’ve been a mother for over 40 years and if you were one of my children, I would be so proud and grateful. You keep going, girl!
Jodi says
Preach.
JoDi says
Uh oh! You know the mommy police are gonna be on you for snapping that photo of Nora on the table instead of getting her off IMMEDIATELY! LOL
Love this post, really truly love it. Women are too hard on each other. There’s too much comparing and criticizing. It starts young, and it never seems to end.
And having happy kids definitely has nothing to do with whether the house is clean or not. I have several younger sisters and one of them was always the unhappy one growing up. Same house, same parents, and she was always the one crying in the family photos. When we look back at the albums now, the joke is always: “There’s XXXX, and she’s crying, of course!” (She thinks it’s funny too.)
J says
AGREED! I think those signs are just made to make money and the sentiment is really pandering and…well, lame.
I also hate the ones that say “Today’s menu: Take it or leave it.” Or “I’m your mother; your argument is invalid” Since when did being rude to our kids become cool enough that people want an actual SIGN in their home to declare this?
Being a mom is not an excuse to be messy or rude. Just sayin’. 🙂 No judging, and be nice, everybody! 🙂
Lisa the Farm Lady says
I never realized those signs are actually rude till you pointed it out, J. Thank you; I always wondered why my stomach felt a little weird every time I read one of those rude signs! 🙂
Connie says
Well done Andrea…I couldn’t agree with you more. Excellent points all the way around!
Sandy says
And thanks for the inspiration to leave my computer and go sweep the kitchen floor.
Kathy K. says
Oh my goodness-women are always being judged. My friend and I laugh all the time how the media tells us we’re not enough, not skinny enough, not involved enough, don’t have sex enough, not young enough….yada yada. Other women judge you, I say, just live your life and do what’s best for “your family”. I’m sure many women can relate, but when you tell people your a stay home Mom, you all of a sudden you fall off the “interesting” chart. I have had people say the rudest things to me. “so what do you do?” I stay home, “oh” is the reply.
I know being a Mom is a tough job for any women. It’s important to support each other and help
when you can, because collectively we’re all in this together.
Sandy says
It is so much more relaxing to live a a tidy, clean home. My baseboards don’t get vacuumed often enough but I do make a point to pick up and put things away and do the routine dusting, vacuuming, mopping and cleaning kitchen and bathrooms. I don’t think any of my children suffered because of it but I hope that the really notice and appreciate it when they come home. I agree that it all depends what your level of tolerance is for clutter but I also know how good it makes me feel to always be able to open the door to company and not worry about it.
Chris says
Thanks Andrea- I thought your post was great! We all need balance and it is different for each of us. I truly believe some hide behind the messy house happy kid thing.
Let’s all get on with our lives and stop judging others – whether it be clean or dirty, happy or unhappy. Love your site. Keep writing. Isn’t just plain good judgement worth a lot?
Rebecca G says
You have put into words what I have been thinking for almost 4 years! A baby / child / husband / full-time job is a poor excuse for laziness. The house is clean… Now if only I could fit in that daily exercise routine… oops! No time! Good mothers are totally out of shape — but their kids are happy!!! hahaha
Luba says
Well said, “… is a poor excuse for laziness.” 🙂
Meleah says
Two words- you rock.
If you lived down South with me, we would totally be friends. Thanks for being so honest!! Moms are the toughest critics out there. I did not know that until my Bitty Baby came along!
Okay, so that’s more than two words… 🙂
LOVE your blog!