Before I had Nora, I was literally busy busy busy from the moment I woke up until the moment I went to bed. And not just busy shopping or other leisurely activities.
I was working part time outside the home, part time as a Virtual Assistant, more than part time on my blog, juggling a crazy number of in-home organizing clients, and speaking for events all across the state of Michigan.
My house was meticulously clean, every room was fully decorated, our freezer was jam packed with homemade meals, we had at least 4 varieties of baked goods at all times, and our yard never looked better.
Dave and I did all sorts of home projects (and when we said we’d do it in a weekend, we actually completed them in a weekend).
I couponed like a champ, played “the drugstore game” weekly, and rarely ever spent more than $20 a week to fully stock our fridge, freezer, and pantry.
I was on almost every committee, group, and organization for our church and I volunteered for several different community organizations (seriously, some weeks I was at church EVERY single night).
I brought meals and goodies to sick people and new moms from church, from my work, neighbors, family, friends, etc. on a regular basis.
I handmade our Christmas cards. And I did crafts. For real!
Dave and I participated in TONS of school functions. We attended all the band concerts, choir concerts, musicals, sporting events, fundraisers, auctions, special dinners, faculty parties, etc. etc. I was even one of the main volleyball referees for both the high school and middle school volleyball teams.
I did fun things with friends and family, went on casual dates with Dave, and actually had a little free time 🙂
I woke up around 6:00am every day (usually without an alarm), did everything that had to be done each day, and almost always went to bed by 10:30pm with a fully crossed off to-do list.
So yeah, I was busy — but I loved every bit of it.
I was busy in the best way, I was helping, I was participating, I was involved, I was making something of my life, but most of all, I was SUPER productive.
I LOVE being productive!
.
Then we announced our baby news and everyone (I mean everyone) told me I would never be able to do everything I was doing after the baby was born.
At first, my stubborn self was annoyed by these comments. After all, I’m extremely efficient, I know how to maximize my time, and I basically had an endless supply of energy. But then I started to rationalize things and decided that maybe I should scale back… just a little.
So as my due date approached, I quit a few of my committees at church, I dropped a few volunteer gigs, I stopped doing the volleyball, and I ordered our Christmas cards online 🙂
I figured that was enough to give me a small amount of spare time for the new baby — after all, how much time and energy could a new baby take?
And then Nora was born…
As I struggled to navigate life with a newborn, I desperately clung to a few shreds of my old ultra-productive self for as long as I possibly could (it was several months before I finally gave in) and then I finally realized that I really COULD NOT do everything I was doing before Nora.
I felt like a total failure — not necessarily as a mom, just as a person.
After all, I preach productivity, organization, simple-living, planning ahead, etc. and if I was really “practicing what I preached” I certainly shouldn’t have any trouble keeping up with my pre-baby schedule.
If ANYONE could do it, I could.
But I just couldn’t.
Ever so slowly (and shamefully) I continued to resign from committees, quit volunteer opportunities, skip school functions, turn down new job opportunities, terminate current jobs, cancel vacations and outings with friends, limit the amount of couponing and shopping I did each week, relax my cleaning standards, eliminate anything even remotely unnecessary from my daily life, and say “no” a lot.
No longer were my days jam-packed with activities that made me feel useful, needed, helpful, and productive. Instead, I sat at home, by myself, holding a screaming baby, and mentally tabulating ALL the things I should have been doing.
I was doing the best I could as a mom, but I felt like I was failing at EVERYTHING else… all the things I loved doing and still wanted to do.
And if I’m really honest, even now, almost 2 years later, I still think back to my insanely productive pre-children days and feel a little disheartened at the lack of productive progress I’ve made.
Although I willingly give LOTS of effort and attention to our family, my business, and our home, everything else has basically fallen off my radar screen — and I suppose that’s OK.
I’ve picked my priorities and I realize that the only way to “have it all” is to limit what “ALL” is. I’ve done that… and I’m happy with the amount of time and attention I’m able to give to my priorities.
I guess I just wish I had room in my schedule for a few more priorities!
I wish I was doing more at church again. I wish I was participating in more school functions. I wish I was the one bringing meals and having company over instead of the other way around (although I’ll never turn down a free meal!) I wish I spent more time on our house — cleaning, decorating, renovating, etc. I kind of even wish I could make homemade Christmas cards again 🙂
But with baby #2 on the way, now is not the best time to start adding things to my schedule.
I know that. I’ve come to terms with that. I’m OK with that.
But every now and then, there are still days when my duties as “mom” make me feel like a failure as a person because I’m no longer doing ALL those wonderful and helpful things I used to do and enjoy SO much.
I realize that what I’m doing now is much more important than a high school tennis match, a church choir practice, or homemade Christmas cards… I just need to accept that productivity is not the most important thing in life, and then move on.
SIDE NOTE: Making a “done list” works wonders for me!
It took a while, but I’ve FINALLY reached the point where I no longer feel bad or beat myself up about the fact that I (sometimes) feel like a failure as a person now that I’m a mom. After all, you can’t completely remove 26 years of a crazy-productive and semi work-a-holic personality out of a girl in less than two years!
It’s a process that I’ve slowly been coming to terms with.
Not that I dislike my job as a mom; I’m just still SO surprised how much time and energy it requires of me — so much that I physically can’t do all those other things, no mater how great or fun or wonderful they might be and no matter how well I manage my time.
And when I see other moms who are bringing 20 dozen baked goods to the church auction, attending every school function, sending out homemade Christmas cards, and seemingly doing all those things I wish I still made the time for, I MUST remind myself that maybe they don’t run a full-time business, maybe their children are in school all day long, maybe their kids take naps and sleep at night, or maybe they pay someone else to clean and decorate their homes.
Some day, I will be able to make time for those activities if they are important enough. However, I think if there was ONE thing I would have liked to understand before having a kid — this would have been it (and yes, I realize that there is no way to really understand this before you live it).
I suppose I’ve always learned best from real-life experience, why should motherhood be any different!
JoDi says
You will again someday. If the circumstances are there and you still want to. 🙂
Even while you’re raising your kids you’ll have opportunities to do lots of those things again. They’ll go to school and you’ll be involved in their school events. They’ll play sports and you’ll be involved there too. And you’ll teach them to think about others and do kind things so you’ll be making meals and helping families with your kids there to help and learn alongside you.
It will all happen eventually and you’ll figure it out when you get there. It’s good to leave some of the expectations behind. When our expectations aren’t met, that’s where the frustration comes in especially when our expectations aren’t realistic. And it seems to be part of human nature to compare ourselves to others. It helps when you realize (as you have) that everybody’s circumstances are different so it’s impossible to look at anyone and wonder why you can’t do what they do or why they can’t manage what you do. Humility includes knowing our limits and acknowledging that we don’t know everything. Parenthood is definitely a humbling experience!
Siobhan says
Such a great post. I can totally relate!
Carrie says
Great post! I felt the same way and still do at times. The book Mission of Motherhood by Sally Clarkson was very encouraging to me and helped me with these feelings.
Anna says
As someone who is not yet a mother yet, but very similar to you in personality, I really appreciate this post (and the one about your difficulties with Nora as a high-needs child). Sometimes it is easy to think that struggling new moms are just the ones who even before having children were disorganized, or unproductive, or too selfish with their free time. But this is an important reminder that motherhood is a change of life stage, change of priorities, change of schedule, change of EVERYTHING for every mother – whether you are organized and Type A or not.
Thanks for your honesty. I think that hearing about the difficulties of motherhood from very organized and ambitious women like you actually prepares me to be able to handle it better someday. It’s not that you are a failure; it is a shift in priorities and responsibilities for that season of life. So on behalf of future mothers, thank you for helping us to have more realistic expectations 🙂
Beth says
Andrea, you are a wise woman. My first two were 21 months apart, and there were times I felt utterly exhausted, so I can relate to your inability to be productive when you have little ones. As an empty nester, I really do miss my kids, but now have time to take on projects, etc. again. It is great when you can enjoy the season you are in. All the best to you and your lovely family.:-)
Melanie says
I SO appreciated this! I recently had our 6th child, and I have been struggling because I don’t feel nearly as productive as I did even 2 or 3 kids ago. Thanks for sharing and the reminder about priorities!
Kitty says
Thank you.
Verity says
Great article – as usual!!
I (and many others) relate to what you said.
The theme of your blog is SIMPLE organized living.
Part of ‘simple’ is cutting out the extras to focus on the important.
You’ve done that. You’ve been an example to your readers of focusing on the important. It’s been more inspirational then when you really could ‘do it all.’
jessica H says
I like how real this is. You know, the kiddos will get older and you will eventually be able to fill up your schedule with those types of things again!
ALSO, that last bit about seeing the “other” moms doing the stuff you wish you could do….the absolute worst thing you can do to yourself is compare your life or situation to someone else. What you do NOW is amazing and it is inspiring a lot of people, even if it isn’t quite up to your standards of productivity.
you’re awesome!
Debbie says
Thank you for sharing your inner turmoil and coming to terms that things are different now. For some of us who are highly Task Oriented this is a common struggle. Being busy, getting things done, and crossing things off our list makes “us” feel good about ourselves. The other plus is is it also helps other people around us by them getting the benefit of what we get done. The sad and unfortunate thing is that we feel less valuable when we don’t get it all done or we don’t say yes to everyone. I’ve come to realize that my value doesn’t and shouldn’t come from what “I” do but from how God sees me. Being a Christian and having this relationship with Jesus definitely made a difference “in time” in how I saw myself. What a relief that He doesn’t love me more when I do things for others/Him as oppose to just sitting at His feet. If He doesn’t do this why should I? I’m not saying we shouldn’t do anything at all or say no to everything. We just shouldn’t equate that what we do or get done defines who we are. Above all else, we are already valued and loved just for “being.”
Amy Owen says
Andrea, I appreciate your refreshing honesty and I adore your blog. Children drain your energy in a way that is hard to understand until you have them, and Nora is a higher-needs child than most. You are too hard on yourself! You are doing great. One more word of encouragement – I think the older child being 2.5 is the perfect age for a new sibling to come along. Children that age are usually not jealous and love being “helpers.” I still remember my two-year-old bringing me diapers to change the newborn – even though he was still in diapers himself. And odds are that your next baby will not be a higher-needs child.
Kathy says
I feel the same way but I am a 61 year old grandmother who takes care of two little granddaughters and help my husband with many things as he has health problems. I wanted to decorate the house for fall last week end and he says to.” Did you have any plans”. I know at that point if I did I won’t be doing it now! My granddaughter wants to have my attend all the time. I have one hour before they come and two hours while they take naps to do everything inside and out as my husband ca not mow the yard. I was just thinking the other day how far behind I feel and wonder if I will ever catch up!
Cindy says
You should read 10 habits of healthy mothers ……it changed the way I looked at things being a mom….you are so productive and encouraging…..as the kids get older you will get your time back to do more and realize that all the decisions you made we’re right for your family….I love reading your blog and how living a simple life is so much better than a cluttered one….thank you
Jacquie says
I feel the same way! I have to remind myself that I AM doing something all day, it is just harder to measure. I am raising a human being and making sure his needs are met. I won’t know if I did a good job for years and I will never be able to cross it off my to do list. It can be a total identity crisis, but you aren’t alone!
Evie says
And this is why I love your blog, Andrea! You say things that most people would not say for anything. So many people totally hide anything about their lives that is less than amazingly wonderful. Sometimes I wonder how young people can possibly know what real life is actually like. Your blog is a beacon of simple truth about real life, and I thank you for it.
Evie says
Haha, I’m replying to myself here because what I just said might be ambiguous. I *don’t* want anybody thinking that I meant that Andrea’s (or anybody’s) suffering through coming to grips with difficult issues and talking about it is a negative thing. Talking openly about difficulties is life affirming for the talker and for the listeners! But talking openly is what people don’t generally do. So many folks are so totally into “putting on a happy face” that truth gets lost…and with each cover-up is lost the precious chance for heartfelt discussion and deep personal growth through shared insight.
Julie says
I’m a long time reader, first time commenter. I’m a type A personality like yourself. I have two daughters ages 13 and 6. I’ve got 18 years of my loooong life to make a difference, as do you. Try, try to be in the moment without “thinking” and try to savor even the very small things about your family (without thinking what you are going to do next or need to get done). It changes, it gets easier, you are in the thick of it, you are young. Enjoy the little things. It’s the moments that you remember. There is nothing like having a little “peaceful” time in your home, with your family. Every one will benefit from it. And after that, then get up and put the wet clothes in the dryer. 🙂 When they are in school you’ll get some time back. :). Your family needs you most, to be a present mom who smiles, is not rushed, can look their children in the eyes, connect with them, and really enjoy their smallness. I don’t know you, I’m not sure how you parent, but being type A like myself, I have to make a conscious effort daily to connect with my girls. I hope you do too.
Dena says
You are one of the most adorable young moms I’ve seen.
Your blog helps me keep things in perspective whenever
I’m working with young families in piano lessons. Your
family just couldn’t be any more precious.
Brenda says
My son was 3ish and I was excited about being able to do more stuff: he was able to play outside while I did yard work, he would watch a short movie so I could make dinner. I even decided to start a new summer project outside, life was good. Things were getting back to ‘normal’. Then I found out I was pregnant and tired all the time. (We forget just how tired we reallly are that 1st trimester.) Well, I finished that outside project in September or October (not July, as planned) but I haven’t worked on it again for 2 years. The perenniels are growing with the weeds… Oh well.
Now that baby is 3ish and I am really looking forward to ‘normal’ again. Sleeping in, doing stuff without a baby, no naps…. and no more new babies!
Anyway, it gets better. As they get older, you will be able to do more of your own activities. Just remember, the next one might (probably) not be as high-maintence as Nora. They are all different (thank goodness)!
Andrea says
Yes Brenda, I felt like we were finally starting to see SOME of that “being able to do more stuff” with Nora… and then the new baby is coming so we’ll be starting all over again! At least Nora will be 2 1/2 and (maybe) a little helpful with the new baby??? She certainly seems to love babies and is very into playing with dolls. My fingers are crossed!
Angie says
Hi,
Thanks for sharing this–I feel the same way a lot of the time, and just knowing I’m not the only one helps.
Organize 365 says
DItto-
But I think it took longer for me to “give in” and realize.
I am struggling with the fact that even though my kids are older 12, 13 due to their disabilities my productivity is permanently on hold.
I used to plan for days to work and then get SO mad when I was called away to school.
Now I loosely plan a day and am supper surprised and happy when my list gets done because there wasn’t an “emergency” today!
🙂
Lisa
Andrea says
You are a crazy lady Lisa — I seriously can’t even fathom how you do everything you do with your children. (and I mean “crazy” in a good way!)
Organize 365 says
Takes one to know one huh?
Paulette says
Dearest Andrea, I’ll probably repeat what has already been said in previous comments. You have still managed incredible things since becoming a mother. I’m a 61 year old Grandmother and I just told my husband this very morning that I have learned so much from you. I’m going to try canning for the first time and I’m going to be using your posts as my instructor. You have touched the lives of SO many women in your blog with such valuable information and encouragement. Motherhood is just another season in your life. There is something I learned as a mother…the selfishness was SQUEEZED out of me. Not to imply in any way that YOU are selfish (please don’t misunderstand me). It’s just that we learn so much about ourselves in motherhood and about the world around us and that particular defect was something that needed to be changed in me. Your mission at this time in your life is one of the greatest missions in this world…teaching and growing tiny human beings. I have such admiration for you, darling girl. Thank you for all you share, for being honest and transparent. And before I forget…your first baby being a high needs little girl has prepared you for special things. You will be able help other Mommies with the same challenge.
Thembi says
Oh my, you are refreshingly honest. Most people get totally surprised how time consuming children are.
I guess if they knew that in advance (or maybe if they believed others who told them so) they would think twice to get children. Fortunately getting and growing children is a little bit easier if you are lighthearted and easygoing…that is why fortunately there are a lot of children around. Children are our future and I like to see them.
(Though I admit I am counted among the not so easygoing people. I am too aware of what it means to have children. That is why I decided not to have children at all. Maybe I am too much of a realist.)
Enjoy your time with Nora!
Natalie says
As a mom who just had her 2nd 6 months ago and has a 2 and a half year old and a 6 month old…this hits home HARD! Not to scare you but 2 isn’t double the work…it’s 4 or 5 times the work! I work full-time, I have a husband who helps me a TON with housework, the kids, the dogs, and I feel like I’m just making it through our day. I feel like a failure personally all the time. I feel stretched thin and over-whelmed often but I realize that this is a phase! Some day I’ll be able to re-join those commitments that I’ve had to let go. Some day my head will stay above water with much more ease than it does now. Some day we’ll hit that sweet spot where our kids are helpful and I get to knit/craft and feel like I’m doing more things right than wrong.
Hang in there and give yourself A LOT OF breaks. I hope that your second child like mine is an angel from heaven, who sleeps well…slept through the night from 2 to 4 months and now wakes up a 1-2 times a night but is always happy and only cries when she’s tired. My first is still high maintenance but that’s ok…I’m just blessed that they both aren’t.
I wish this for you as well.
Good luck and keep saying no until your littlest is older and then you can start saying yes again.
rebeccasdelightfulhome says
Welcome to “mom guilt”. It never goes away! Just remember that there is nothing more productive than raising a human being. The “perfect” mom is a façade. They are probably buying those baked goods at Costco and plating them up to look homemade. Haha! Not that I have ever done that… wink, wink. If they ask for the recipe, just tell them it’s a secret family recipe that you can’t give out. Again, not that I’ve ever done that… heehee! Ok, it was once & a long time ago when my kids were little…
Glenda says
Andrea, you ARE productive too the extreme. It’s not always measurable in the day-to-day, especially since you see Nora round the clock. You don’t notice her changing and growth the way outsiders will, but she is a masterpiece of your productivity. This season of your life is hard to imagine being over, but in a *blink* it will be. You are pouring into your family, now, so they will be well prepared, loving and productive adults, when they’re grown. You are just what they need. God picked you especially for them and He NEVER makes mistakes.
I was like you, when our five were little. I wanted to be the perfect homeschool mom, have an immaculate home and be involved in all the worthwhile activities and organizations I could, plus run my own home business. No matter how hard I tried, it was always a great day homeschooling and their was laundry on the couch that needed to be folded or the house was immaculate and school had been disastrous. I slowly let go of all my outside activities and accepted that I couldn’t do it all, like all the other moms.
One morning, I received a phone call during a rather productive homeschooling morning, that a young mom wanted to stop by in about 15 minutes and talk about homeschooling her young son. I agreed and then scrambled around, tossing clean, unfolded laundry into baskets and stowing them in my bedroom behind closed doors. I gathered toys and books into baskets and put them in the front closet. I pulled dirty dishes out of the sink and set them on a cookie sheet which I promptly slid into the oven, wiped down the counters, brushed my hair and continued with the kids’ lessons around the dining room table until she arrived a few minutes, later.
This young mom came into my home and after a tearful conversation where she shared how discouraged and hopeless she felt because she just couldn’t seem to get it all together, she asked how I manage to do it all. She felt, from the outside looking in, that our family was always happy, homeschooling always went smoothly, my home was always neat and orderly, my business just hummed along all on it’s own and I always had time to help other people. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t make all that work and she felt like a failure.
That was the moment that I realized that I, and other moms like me, had to start telling the truth. That we had unintentionally been perpetuating the fallacy that we were successfully “doing it all”. The reality was that if we spent the day studying the stages of development of chick embryos under a microscope and created amazingly detailed and illustrated lab reports, completed 1st grade phonics, 9th grade Algebra and all the subjects in between for each grade, there was a high probability that my kids (and I) were still in our pj’s and I had fed them frozen pizza for lunch. If my house was spotless, and a soup pot was bubbling on the stove while bread baked in the oven, it was likely that only the core subjects were completed in school. If I went to the homeschool mom’s meeting that morning and taught high school speech and drama at the homeschool co-op that afternoon, it was likely I would be heading through the drive-thru on the way home to pick up dinner and there would be a mountain of clean laundry waiting to be folded. I never allowed that young mom, or any other mom, to see that imbalance and “undoneness” that was a normal art of my life. And I realized that morning with her crying in my “spotless” living room, that I was contributing to her feeling like a failure. And that all the “perfect” moms I compared myself to, probably had similar circumstances.
I had a chance to share the truth with her and later that day, I wrote an article for our homeschool newsletter, called, “I Have REALLY Big Closets” and that’s when I “came clean” to my largest group of deceived and struggling friends. The truth is that raising kids is a BEAUTIFUL mess. Nothing is the same as before them, and now that I’m on the tail end of the beautiful mess (We still have two children at home – 17 and 12.), nothing after is the same, either. They grow and so do you. What’s important, in the moment, changes as you enter each new phase of life with them and you will change along with it. You will NEVER have arrived and you will NEVER have it all done, but you WILL most certainly have been productive at the priority most near to God’s heart for that season.
I applaud you for not trying to perpetuate the myth that you can “do it all”. You’ll be more of a help and example to other struggling moms by being honest. Your daughter is beautiful and someday your “productivity” will be so evident in Nora and the woman she becomes. Don’t lose heart. You have more together than you realize and there will be many years for volunteering and crafting and household DIY when your family is grown.
I hope your day is blessing-filled!
Thea says
As a new homeschool mom, this is SO encouraging to me. Thanks for sharing!
Amy says
Glenda, that was so honest and refreshing! What a great story:) It’s so easy to get sucked into the perfect trap. Thank you:)
Summer says
OOOOOOoooo! I love your honesty! Truthfully, children completely change your life! You never really get back to the ‘old way’ of doing you. BUT, it’s the new and improved you and your job as a Mommy will be the most imporant role you have. At the end of it all, God isn’t going to ask about your homemade Christmas cards, or how great your lawn looked or even how organized you were… He is going to look at your heart and the love that you poured into that wonderful little girl and that amazing husband of yours AND a new little baby! The rest of ‘all the things you use to do’ are important and as a Mommy you just can’t do it all. You just keep adapting, improvising and overcoming… life goes on. Children are a gift from God and they manage to teach us so much that we just couldn’t have learned without having them. You are truly BLESSED lady! Enjoy this new you in this beautiful season of life!
Catherine says
Ohhhhh how I know that feeling!!
My daughter just turned 3… and we are expecting another little girl for early 2014..
I too used to be involved in so many things, and do so many fun stuff… and then we had a baby! One of my biggest frustration at first was that I didn’t have time to do everything I wanted, but it seemed like my husband kept all his regular activities…. What was wrong with me?!
I work full time outside the home, and in Canada we get a full year of mat leave… so during that time “off from work”, I eventually got to a point where I could do most of everything I wanted too… but then “back to work” hit me! For me, working full time outside the home means there isn’t much time left at the end of the day… In the morning its a race against time to get everyone ready to go…. at the end of the day I leave work, pick up baby from daycare, prepare dinner, then bath time, story time and bed time! Before I know it its already 8pm.. I am exhausted from my day and my brain totally just shuts down!!! Then we end up packing our weekend with everything wedidn’t do during the week… cleaning, laundry, shopping, food prep.. crafts and we need to squeeze in some fun family time in there too!!
So after a few months of being back to work and driving myself crazy, I had to review my priorities.. I wanted to spend more time on the weekend having fun with my family and doing stuff I actually enjoyed!! So we first hired a cleaning lady! She comes every 2 weeks, does a great job with cleaning all the floors in the house, scrubbing the bathrooms and kitchen and in between her visits we just maintain! Sometimes she will even run a few laundry loads for me!! BEST investment I ever did… for now anyways!! But most importantly I too lowered my expectations about how clean my house has to be at all times!
I also put my husband in charge of his own laundry! He’s a night owl, so he does that at night when I’m in bed!! That helps a lot too!
I still make my own Christmas Cards… but I design them on the computer and just hit the “print button”… so they are not totally hand made.. but still designed by me!
We started using the crock pot a lot for food prep… and simplified our meals! I used to love cooking fancy gourmet foods… now I stick to healthy but simple meals that the whole family enjoys! It leaves me more time for home made baking (since my daughter is allergic to tree nuts, we do more home made baking to avoid cross-contamination with ready baked stuff!) The fun thing too with my 3 years old is that she’s old enough now to participate actively in food prep… so we get to mix business with pleasure!!
In general I may be spending more money these days on things I would have done myself in the past.. but I see it as the cost for keeping my “sanity”…
That being said, I must admit that I am so so anxious with baby 2 coming soon… I feel like there will be many more adjustments to be made… but really I try to remember that these days, what makes me a happy woman, is spending time with my family, enjoying ourselves, everything else, doesn’t have to be perfect! I want my kids to remember a mom that spent good time with them, not a mom that had everything under control all the time!
I still miss some of the activities I used to do.. .but I realize one day I will probably be able to get back to them.. once the kids are older.. As for volunteering.. well last May I volunteered as a parent for my daughter’s ballet recital.. so I think I will be able to combine volunteering and spending time with the kids in the next few years by getting involved in their activities too… (I remember my parents doing a lot of that when I was a kid… great memories!)
Ok so long story.. to tell you in the end that you are not alone… that there is a light a the end of the tunnel… that we really just have to modify our priorities for a time.. but I’m convinced things will change again, and again and again… :o)
Vicki says
You and Dave are still very young. I am 62, I enjoy your column very much although I disagree with some ideas from time to time. Mainly what I want to express now is how your priorities will change. You will notice this as time goes on and as your children get older. When my children were young I had to have a immaculate house, now not so much. Also you will come to the point of doing what makes you happy instead of what you think you should be doing. You won’t feel guilty for saying no and you won’t worry what others are accomplishing. I guess what I’m trying to say is nothing stays the same. When you finally have time to t do some of the things you gave up, you find may not be interested in doing after all. Sorry to tell you but when your kids get n school you’ll be busier than ever with school and after school activities. And just when they are grown and you think your major parenting role is over, surprise, you become a grandmother!
Jeanne says
Hi Andrea,
I just wanted to say that you really touched my heart today with your honesty. Yes, it is a season of life and your productive is a different sort than it used to be. But you look to be handling it with heartfelt honesty, (it’s not perfect) and grace. Thank you for sharing what many moms probably feel.
Have a lovely weekend.
kate says
Being a step mom to an 8yo, I often find myself getting worn out with the needs and sometimes pointless conversations I have to have with her. I love her and caring for her but some of those child-conversations zap my energy. I feel like a failure and that if i have children I”m not going to be a good mother. And i see other mothers so interested in hearing about a made-up story, or playing along so easily with their children in their imaginative worlds, proactively thinking ahead about sunscreen, bug spray, extra sweaters etc. and I find myself failing at those seemingly simple tasks. And occasionally i remind myself that they’ve had 8 years growing up with that child, knowing their needs and forgetting the sunscreen that they’ve found their groove and I’m just new to it all. I have to give myself grace but it causes me to feel so insecure at times.
Andrea says
Wow Kate — that would be SOOOOO hard. I can’t even imagine going from no kids to having an 8 year old. Dave and I knew NOTHING about being parents before we actually were parents (even though we read books). We learned pretty much everything by trial and error as we went along. That might sound horrible, but I think that’s the way it has to be for some things. You forget the sunscreen, the baby gets burned, you feel AWEFUL, and you never forget the sunscreen again 🙂
If you ever choose to have more children, it will definitely be hard, but you will most certainly be fine. you’ll learn as you go and make tons of mistakes. Your children will be fine though 🙂 Believe me, if I can do this, pretty much anyone can 🙂
Nicole says
I’m so glad that you posted this because I can relate. What you post on your blog is the most realistic I’ve read. You are so honest and I definitely appreciate that. When my first child was born, I was torn between my new role and my past role. Unfortunately, I took the road of post partum depression before I realized that it was no use grieving my old self and I just had to accept the new, “not in control” role. My baby was colicky & everything a high needs baby should be. We got no sleep and I was wondering why I was not happy at all. If someone had just been genuinely honest with me (like you have been on your blog) about the joys, sorrows, and sacrifices of motherhood, I think that I would have coped better especially without all the criticism that comes from being a first-time mom. My daughter is now seven and our bond is growing. And while she is not colicky anymore, her love language is physical touch and quality time, both of which I struggle with as a full-time working mom. Luckily, my second daughter is just the opposite since birth and my husband is a patient, supportive man:) God is so good and I thank you for all the encouragement you give on your blog. Congratulations to your family:)
Andrea says
Thanks Nicole, and yes, I can totally relate to your situation too. I was WAY too hard on myself in the beginning — but I’ve pretty much always been my own biggest critic so it wasn’t that surprising.
I love that you know your daughter’s love language. I have a feeling Nora’s is also physical touch and quality time — both of which are my LOWEST love languages and also very hard for me as a work-from-home mom who love productivity!
Jules says
Your honesty is so refreshing! I, too, struggle with comparing myself to others. The internet in general, but specifically facebook, instagram and pinterest seem to make it even harder to take a step back. You really hit it home when you mention that we don’t know what is going in in these other people’s lives. It’s something to remind ourselves of frequently…. we often DO know what is best for our situation, and know what we can handle at any given time.
There’s a reason I have this Steve Furtick quote on my computer. (If only I could remember it daily!)
“The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind the scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel”
stephanie says
Churches have several members to bake cookies.
Schools can find several referees to officiate.
Friends usually have other family members to bring them dinners.
Readers can choose several blogs to get ideas from.
Nora only has one mommy. Take care of yourself.
Abbie says
RE: Other mothers. You are right on about not comparing yourself to other mothers. I used to beat myself up the same way . Then I found out that the mother that accomplished so much had very different circumstances: maybe nearby relatives that helped and a husband that didn’t travel.
Do the best you can and enjoy little Nora and your new baby when it arrives.
CATHY says
Wow thanks again for pouring your heart out. How hard to really come to grips with all these feelings and say them out loud. Yes children demand every minute of our time now but down the road you will be able to get back some time to do things that you had to give up. Just take one day at a time and do what you can and enjoy.
Laura says
Oh how I can relate!
I have a 2 year old and a baby due in less than 2 months. I work outside the home full time. I used to be very involved in community activities and committees and such, but have had to drop most of that. I am still a volunteer firefighter, which takes a lot of time, but am already wondering how in the world I am going to do that with 2 kids!
I miss being active in the community, getting out more, doing more home projects, and seeing friends more. However, missing that does not mean I don’t love time with my little one. I love spending time with her and miss it when we have days of evening meetings strung together. I knew before having her that i would not be able to keep up the same schedule I had, but a part of me misses some of that.
With personalities that get involved in things, I am sure we both will gradually become more active in things again as our kids get older. After all, there will be the kids school projects, committees, and sports teams! It will just be a different activities than pre-kid years. Those should be pretty rewarding too!
In the meantime, we can continue to be great moms that have learned to say “no” a little more, learned to scale back a bit, and learned to enjoy every precious moment we have with our little ones.
Enjoy the day!
Jane says
Well said by Stel, that this is the season of your life now. You were very active and productive (you still are in my book!) The change was a “step change” for you. For me, the “step change” occurred when my kids entered the teen years. I looked back on my baby years with envy. Although it was physically exhausting, eventually there was routine. There were nap times and evenings when my kids went to bed at 8. My husband and I had time to watch a movie or complete some household projects. When we went through a transition to the teen years, the kids were up later, there was constant activity, sports and homework in the evenings….gone was “our” time. I love it now (although I joke to the contrary quite often) but it took me a while to grapple with the change. And it’s hard.
Whenever I start to feel down or frustrated with the mundane activities of life, my husband reminds me that I’m building “skyscrapers.” I love that story (you are probably familiar with it.)
Amy says
Jane, what’s the skyscraper story? I think I need to hear it. I love my babies so much but deal with feelings of failure and inadequacy often because of what I’m not able to get done anymore.
Thanks:)
Jane says
Of course, in my 50+ and teen-overloaded mind I said “skyscraper” and I meant to say cathedral! Here’s a link:
http://singleparenttravel.net/2009/01/the-invisible-mom-building-cathedrals/
Andrea says
haha — I was also wondering what you meant by “skycraper” I even googled it thinking “what am I missing?” Thanks for the clarification and the link Jane. I know how busy you are too so I’ll let it slide 🙂
Amy says
Oh Jane! Thank you! •xoxo• I so needed that!! Thank you for taking the time to post the link. It was just beautiful. Lots of tears here:) I’m going to save that forever:)
Colleen @ MommieDaze says
I’ve been in slow down mode for eight years. My youngest will start school full time next fall, and I’m looking forward to picking up some of things I’ve left by the wayside when they were little. There are different seasons to life. I’ve enjoyed this one with my babies, and now I’m ready for the next step! I love what you said about having it all is about limiting what all is. So true. I think we can have it all, just not all at the same time.
Becky says
You are exactly right! You have no idea what is going on in those other people’s lives so there is not point in comparing. I have fallen into that trap before myself, too. How come so and so is doing xyz, and I’m not? Well, I really have no idea what is going on in their life!
Stel says
Oh, Andrea, that’s the season of your life now 🙂
There is a light at the end of the tunnel, once they get to school, slowly you’ll get bits of your old routine back! At least you have great photo books of Nora – I’m 9 yrs behind…
(Now get your head around “the second baby is totally different to the first”…took me a while to grasp!)
Andrea says
haha — yes, I do have my photo books mostly up-to-date! I’m running a little behind on 2013, but it should still be finished by January of 2014.
Jen says
That’s exactly how I was going to word it—it is a season of life. Just like we can’t wear shorts in January without serious consequences, there are things we can’t do in the Baby Season without the same. I say this not because I am oh, so very wise, but because I am in that same season!
I graduated college and stepped up my freelance writing business when I was six months pregnant with my son (my second child). I thought I’d take about a month off of writing when he was born and then get right back to it. Riiiiight…I did jump back in for a little while, but it was extremely taxing. And then we decided to homeschool our daughter and so, at least for now, everything else just has to wait. Life is certainly much simpler with homeschool, as I no longer have to plan my life around the school district’s schedule, but writing time has been replaced with lessons and read-a-louds and occupying a toddler while I help a fifth grader with her math.
But I know it’s just a season. I have long-term goals for my writing, which I will pick back up on in about two years. At that point I will have a far more independent seventh grader, a potty trained son, and will hire a mother’s helper a few hours per week so I can do some writing.
And it is because I know that this is just a brief season that I can enjoy it. I remind myself that snuggly toddlers and pre-teens who still want to cuddle grow into rambunctious little boys and sullen teens and I force myself to soak it in. The next season looks beautiful, too, but I’d sure hate to miss this one.
That’s not advice, just camaraderie. I’m not in the business of giving parenting or life advice to anyone. Just letting you know that you’re heard, and we moms “get it” and are in this together. 🙂