One of my greatest strengths (at least in my opinion) is that I am generally a very confident person. I realize this may be perceived as a weakness by some — especially if it manifests into “cockiness”. But for the most part, I consider it a strength.
I’ve always known what I wanted, done what I needed to do to get there, made quick (yet thought-out) decisions to reach my goals, and very rarely looked back or regretted a major life decision.
I know what my strengths are (and also what my weaknesses are) and I tend to focus more on growing and developing the strengths than worrying about my weaknesses.
Because of this, I don’t second-guess myself often, I don’t dilly-dally over decision making, I don’t regularly change my mind once I’ve made my decision, and I rarely worry about what other people might think of me.
This attitude has served me well in the types of jobs and other life roles I’ve had — and if you ask Dave, he’ll say that my confidence is one of the qualities that first attracted him to me (and yes, I was CONFIDENT he was right for me before he even asked me out!) 🙂
HOWEVER, when it came to parenting and becoming a mother for the very first time, confidence was nowhere in my vocabulary.
I knew that I didn’t know anything about parenting, and figured I needed to do quite a bit of learning before the baby arrived. This way, I’d be fully prepared, 100% ready to go, and completely confident in my abilities when it was time to put my “mother hat” on.
Of course, I didn’t realize at the time that it is literally impossible to be fully prepared for a new baby (especially a first baby). And then there’s the teeny-tiny fact that SO much of what we “learn” as first-time parents comes naturally after a little experience.
Yeah, no one told me that!
I tend to “take a back seat” when I know I’m not particularly skilled in a certain area, so I decided that since I didn’t know much about parenting, I would rely on advice from everyone else.
BIG MISTAKE!
I drove myself absolutely bonkers trying to implement the conflicting advice from every single parenting book, well-meaning family member and friend, and everything the doctors and other “experts” suggested.
And because I felt like I just wasn’t “learning” what I needed to know, I never allowed myself to find confidence in my own mother’s skin for almost 2 years after Nora was born.
I would think, “my friend’s suggestion isn’t working for us; I must be doing something wrong.” Or “this expert said to do it this way, but it’s just not working; why can’t I figure out how to do it the right way?”
When instead, I should have been saying, “this didn’t work for us, let me try something else.”
I have always been a relatively quick learner, and once taught, I can quickly and easily implement what I learned with little error. So, for my entire life before kids, I fared quite well. I listened to my parents, my teachers, my coaches, and my bosses. I studied and practiced and read and did what I was told — and everyone said “good job!”
I KNEW when I didn’t know everything… and I KNEW how to take instructions until I learned what I needed to know. At that point, I was confident enough to go out on my own and implement what I had learned (via household chores, academic exams, athletic events, job performance, etc.)
So when it came to mothering, I figured I just wasn’t learning it correctly. I just wasn’t reading enough or taking enough advice. I just wasn’t getting it.
I.
I.
I.
But I was not the problem (at least not my ability to “learn motherhood”).
The problem was that for the first time in my life, I was SO worried about what everyone else thought was right for me and my baby.
I was worried about what people thought of me as a mom (and why my kid literally screamed ALLLLL the time).
I was second-guessing every decision I made and beating myself up over every failed attempt (and there were lots of failed attempts).
I was unable to exude any confidence in my own abilities.
Yes, even now, looking back and writing about it, I realize how ridiculously stupid this sounds to be so worried about what everyone else thought of my life (especially someone like me who normally isn’t concerned about that).
But I guess that’s what parenthood can do to some people 🙂
Obviously, I still have TONS to learn about parenting and motherhood and raising little people… but I’m also confident enough to move forward each day, to keep trying new things, and to not get completely frustrated when something doesn’t work for us (even if it did work for a bunch of other people).
I know that when the new baby comes, as Nora and Simon grow, and as our family goes through different phases, I will continually experience periods of newness, self-doubt, and uncertainty.
But my hope is that in those times, I will be able to more quickly come to the realization that the books and the experts will never know my children, my family, and my needs as well as I do.
I think that if I could have ‘learned’ anything before having kids, THAT would have been it. However, I also know that 500 people could have told me that exact statement and I most likely still wouldn’t have believed it until I actually lived it and learned from my own personal experience.
So if you’re a soon-to-be new parent, it’s totally OK if you think I’m nuts. It’s OK if you think the books have all the answers for you. And it’s OK if you call and text your mom and your sister and your friends 10 times a day asking every single question about every single thing you’re unsure of.
However, please also know that it’s OK to have confidence in your own ability as a parent and it’s OK to do what you think is right, even if others say it’s not (and even if it’s actually not right in the end.)
And if you’re a seasoned parent, it’s still OK not to know everything, it’s OK to be wrong, and it’s OK to give advice to new parents (just make sure you say “This worked for me, it might not work for you.”)
I think parenting is just one of those things we need to learn as we go — which, in my Type A opinion, totally stinks because I really just want to be so good at it 🙂
Deborah says
The longer I’ve parented the more I think maybe it’s more about ME learning lessons than it is about anything I manage to teach my children. 🙂
And the other tricky thing is, just because something DOES work with one child, it may not with the next!!
Andrea says
exactly! I’ve learned SOOOOO much after 2 kids and I’m positive there are many more lessons to come 🙂
MJ says
Nice post! The best non-advice I ever received was from my father-in-law who helped raise 6 kids- 5 of them boys! After my first son was born I mentioned that I was learning so much about parenting and that I thought the second time around I’d use a lot of what I learned from #1. He smiled and said, “Once you get the instruction manual figured out for one, you might as well file it away because it won’t work for the next one. They all require their own sent of instructions.” Now the proud parent of three very individual children I couldn’t agree more with his sage words! (Not so sure I bought it at the time.)
Andrea says
yes, I agree with your father-in-law too 🙂
Melanie G says
Thank you so much for this post – I desperately needed it this morning! My husband and I are first-time parents of a 5 week old, beautiful daughter, and I am struggling. My type A, figure-it-out, get-it-done personality and my experience with kids and expectations of myself are starting to get the better of me. I needed this reminder!
Andrea says
oh sigh… sending a hug your way Melanie!
5 Weeks is bad… really bad! Even if your baby is a happy, non-fussy baby. You’re really getting into the sleep-deprived state and finally realizing that there is no “going back” to your organized, everything-in-order, on-time way of life. Yes, I know how that feels!
I also know how awful it feels to have someone tell you “it will get better — just wait until they are 3 or 5 or 10” because at 5 weeks, that sounds like an eternity. It is… and it isn’t 🙂
You will make it. It will be hard and challenging and tiring… but you will make it and it WILL be worth it!
Cheers to getting a little sleep today!
Jacquie says
YES! I totally agree. I still struggle with replaying situations in my head to determine what I did “wrong” and how I could have done it better. Generally in life, that is a good skill to have but with parenting, it is a total crap shoot. Something that worked one day, doesn’t the next.
After two kids, I no longer have any interest in talking about sleeping, eating, etc with other moms. If your kid is the one not sleeping, you feel bad about it. If your kid is the one that is sleeping, you might be making someone else feel bad.
Andrea says
amen 🙂
I’ve just learned that I can NOT let myself go down that road of over-thinking because it gets me nowhere. I basically “over-thought” and worried about everything for 2 years straight. Of course, I still worry some (I’m sure every parent does) but nothing like it used to be!
And I agree that sleeping and eating are bad subjects to talk about. At least I can kind of commiserate with parents of non-sleeping babies — and I think that makes me more relatable to them. But in general, I just try not to bring it up 🙂
Monique says
My first two children were Babywise Babies who followed all the rules in the book, they ate on schedule, slept on schedule and developed every motor skill mentioned, right on schedule. And since I am an OT and I got it right, twice, I would give advice from my experience and successes. Then my third came along… He apparently did NOT read the Babywise Books!!! Since his birth, I don’t give advice of any kind! I am a sympathetic friend and will listen, nod, and then offer to baby sit for them
Andrea says
haha — I laughed when I read your comment because I’ve said over and over again, I probably wouldn’t have any friends anymore if Nora had been and easy “by-the-books” baby. I would have give so much advice — because obviously, I’m super organized and on-top of things so it’s only natural that I had a “good baby”. Even though it was a rough two years, I’m kind of glad I was humbled so much by her. Now I still have friends and every other parent doesn’t hate me 🙂
Sharyn says
This so reminds me of the phrase, “You can’t always get what you want, but sometimes you get what you need.”
My children “gave” me so much that i sure didn’t “want” at the time, but I know now how good it was for me. A parent can grow, just like a child does!
Emily says
Words well spoken Andrea!! Thankful for the grace of God with each child as there is always something new to learn and understand about motherhood. The first time around can be the hardest! I remember having some of the same thoughts as you. 🙂 A few kids later I now have a wonderful group of mothers who help encourage and come along side me without making me feel like I’m messing up. Thank you for articulating the truth so well!
Leslie H says
Opposite of you, I thought I was well-prepared to be a mom. I’d always loved babysitting kids, and was good with little babies. I couldn’t wait to be a mom!
Unfortunately, I presumed that my knowledge and experience would provide a sure and positive outcome. I lost confidence when my efforts rarely produced the results I expected. What was I dong wrong?
I was doing plenty wrong…but also some was right. What I needed to know MOST was the results are not guaranteed, or predictable. You do the best you can, but you are dealing with another individual, and you can’t (and shouldn’t!) expect to control them. Keep the main things, the main things — and be humble, I learned. I feared that my lack of success (control) was reflective of my worth.
Oh, my poor first kid! His mom was wacko at times! And, though a little better with his siblings, they were part of the learning curve too. Thankfully, God is very gracious, and all have grown up to be capable, productive adults — with a sense of humor! I thank God for that too!
We do the best we can, and God honors our hearts and blesses in spite of ourselves!
Andrea says
Yes Leslie, I have a few friends who were nannies or children’s nurses and thought it was going to be super easy. I was honestly surprised how challenging it was for them — considering they had been around babies and young children their whole lives. It made me not feel as bad for fumbling through my first 2 years of motherhood!
Summer says
I totally burst out laughing! I am extremely type A and my children have tested and test each of those nice neat properties in my life, daily. YET, I am soooooo grateful for what I learned from them, what I learn from them and that I was given these amazing treasures! Your last statement just cracked me up!
Andrea, you are a fabulous mother! You try so many different things, you put so much effort into every day and you can see just how much you care and love them! Even if you don’t do it like the books or it seems frustrating or even just completely different that you ever imagined, which is essentially what we give in to as parents. Each and every one of us is made so differently. It’s learning what works, what doesn’t and adapting. Continually. Just as you think you have it figured out, the children change, grow older and hit new phases. Just keep rolling with it! You rock!
Andrea says
Thanks Summer — glad I could give you a laugh this morning 🙂
Siobhan says
Very well said 🙂
Paulette says
My children have been my ‘sandpaper.’ What I thought I knew(and still think I know)…my selfishness and my unintentional thoughtlessness have all been sanded and continue to be sanded. I have been attending a class called Unconditional Love and am so much the better for it! Thank you for your transparency, Andrea. It is such an encouragement.
Andrea says
I like that way of putting it Paulette — our “sandpaper”. Very well said!
Julie says
Thanks for you honesty! Hopefully your words will help out another new mom, or parent who needs a “confidence” boost. So much of parenting is just relying on your instincts-which is probably a scary thought if you’re used to reading about everything in order to learn! Sounds like you’ve come along way and you will be prepared for Baby #3 by virtue of the fact that now you know that you are Mom and thus you know best!