After the birth of both our kids, Dave and I were blessed with LOTS and LOTS of food gifts, gift cards, free babysitting, helpful friends, etc. etc. We were/are SO appreciative of every gift, card, email, and visit we received — honestly!
However, after bringing two kids home from the hospital myself (one of which is still very fresh in my mind) and talking with a bunch of friends who are also new moms, I complied this list of 30 things I would personally suggest NOT doing the next time you visit a new mom (“new” being those first 4-6 weeks). And to be perfectly honest, this list could probably apply to many people who are sick, bedridden, or off their feet for a variety of reasons. Please note that this list is partially my advice and partially tips and advice from MANY other news moms as well!
I realize that my opinions might be different than yours (especially since I’ve become more introverted over the years), and the intention of this post is definitely not to sound ungrateful for the gifts we received. We have never intentionally acted rude to a visitor, we have never not accepted a gift with thankfulness, and we have never intentionally made anyone feel unwelcome in our home. I just know that before I had kids, I personally did many of the “don’ts” I listed below. So I figure maybe this list will help others, like me, who just didn’t know what was helpful and what was not 🙂
Also, I will say that for me, this list would NOT apply to Dave and my immediate family members — they can do whatever they want and are generally VERY gracious guests in our home — however, I’m guessing that wouldn’t be the case in all families!
Finally, as I mentioned above, this is a “don’t do” list for NEW moms (you know, for those first 4-6 weeks when everything is CRAZY, our hormones are totally out of wack, and we just need a lot of grace). If you are offended by this list or feel it’s totally unreasonable, just save your visit for after that time period and we’ll most likely be back to our more “normal” selves and more interested in chatting!
1. Do not show up unannounced unless it’s to silently drop off a meal and/or diapers on the front porch and then leave again. Then, make sure to send an email letting them know you dropped something off. (We’ve had a couple people randomly drop off food or diapers while we were gone or sleeping and I can’t tell you what a fabulous gift it was for us!)
2. Do not call unless it’s absolutely necessary as you will most certainly call at the exact moment they finally get their baby to sleep or when they are sleeping themselves. Email or text them first and wait for a response. If they don’t respond immediately, it’s probably because they are too busy or tired, and whatever you were asking/telling them isn’t THAT important. They will respond eventually.
3. Don’t show up before or after your scheduled time. Assuming you emailed to set up a time… do everything you possibly can to arrive very close to that scheduled time. If you are early, just drive around the block a few times. If you’re late, text her to let her know. I realize I like to plan ahead more than most people, but there are few things more frustrating for me than trying to manipulate a newborn’s schedule to accommodate a potential guest… and then have that guest come an hour later than planned.
4. Don’t come before 9am or after 9pm. That’s just too early and too late for a mother of small children dealing with sleep deprivation to function.
5. Do not ring the doorbell… EVER. Please… just knock lightly (especially if you know she’s already expecting you)… and then a little tiny bit louder if they don’t hear your first knock. Don’t ring the doorbell unless it’s a matter of life or death.
6. Don’t feel the need to come the day they get home from the hospital. Dave and I purposely didn’t accept any hospital visitors (besides immediate family) because we didn’t want all that busyness in the hospital. We just want to sit and get to know our baby without a stream of visitors. I realize not everyone shares this perspective — but I can more confidently assume that most new moms don’t want visitors the day they come home from the hospital (again, our immediate family would be exempt from this rule). Give us a few days, weeks, or even months. The baby isn’t going anywhere and we would most likely appreciate a visitor several weeks down the road when we feel more “with it” and ready to converse.
7. Do not show up without food. I know, this might sound selfish, but if you’re going to visit a new mom (or anyone who has been off their feet for a couple days) food is seriously just the best gift (here are some of my tips for giving food gifts). If cooking isn’t your favorite thing to do, then bring something store bought or gift cards or takeout. Even if they don’t eat it, it will be something for their family/spouse/kids to eat — which means one less thing they have to do.
8. Don’t eat her food. Even if she offers, just say ‘no’. She’s only being polite and probably doesn’t want you to scarf down the fresh batch of cookies she finally mustered up the energy to make when you’re only staying for 20 minutes. Obviously, if you were going over for a “lunch date” or something like that, then it’s a totally different story 🙂
9. Don’t bring a “cluttery” gift. The last thing a new mom wants is one more thing to pick up and clean around. So although you think you’re being thoughtful by bringing a new toy for each of her other kids and a cute outfit for the baby, it might be better if you bring something that can be quickly used up.
10. Don’t bring something you didn’t want yourself — in my opinion, it’s honestly WAY better to show up empty handed than to regift something you didn’t want yourself. Yes, there are potentially exclusions to this rule (like if you know your friend wanted an item that you didn’t want) but for the most part, if you didn’t want it, she won’t either.
11. Don’t bring seasonly inappropriate clothing even if they are cute and cheap — just don’t do it as that forces the new mom to either get out of the house to return it or get out of the house to donate it.
12. Don’t bring a plant or anything else that requires maintenance. I never got a plant as a gift, but many friends commented that this was a really bad gift for new moms because it was just one more thing to take care of. Plus, if she has a toddler, he/she will most certainly make a mess with the dirt — which means, she’ll need to clean up that mess too.
13. Do not come when the other child/children are napping — unless it’s to hold the baby so the mom can take a nap. Seriously, as a mom of a non-napping toddler, I can’t tell you how extremely frustrating it is to have those precious fleeting moments of Nora’s nap interrupted by a well-meaning visitor who thinks I just want to chat for 45 minutes. I don’t — at least not in those first few weeks. Those few minutes are the only minutes in the day when I can just sit and hold Simon or lay down with him on my chest, or get something done without Nora “helping”.
14. Don’t bring your kids unless it was planned ahead of time — it just adds to the chaos.
15. Don’t keep asking to hold the baby if he/she is sleeping. Maybe I’m weird, but I’m not going to wake my baby up from a perfectly good nap just so you can hold him. I know you love babies, but it’s not worth making the rest of my day miserable because I woke him up.
16. Don’t sit and relax with the baby while she deals with the older kid(s). If the baby is awake when you come, you may hold him for a few minutes — but then, if you’re going to stick around for a while, put him in the bouncer and entertain her older kids. Read them books, play with them, take them outside to give her a break — don’t sit and snuggle the baby while she tries to chase her 2 year old around the house.
17. Don’t come if you’re sick or if you’re around your own sick kids all day. I don’t think this one needs an explanation!
18. Don’t ask if the baby is sleeping through the night. No, he’s not — can’t you tell by the bags under her eyes?
19. Don’t ask if he/she is a “good baby”. I can’t tell you how many times I’m still asked this question, and I cringe every time. What is a “good baby”? Is it a baby who doesn’t cry — because that’s like saying “good children” are children who never talk. All babies are “good” — some are just “easier” than others.
20. Don’t expect her undivided attention. I know I don’t speak for everyone on this, but if you’re going to come and hold the baby or play with her big kids, please don’t be offended if she uses that time to be productive. Let her empty the dishwasher, sweep the floors, fold a load of laundry, and pick up the house while she chats with you. It’s not that she doesn’t want to sit and chat with you for hours at a time, it’s just that she rarely has a time during the day when she’s not holding at least one child, so she can’t waste even a minute of time when she has BOTH hands free!
21. Don’t stick around after she hints that the baby is hungry. I’m sure I’m not the only mom who doesn’t love feeding her baby in front of others… so when her baby is screaming and she’s bouncing him saying, “he must be hungry” that’s your cue to leave (or at least ask if she wants you to leave), not plop down on the couch for a peep show.
22. Don’t be offended if she doesn’t send a traditional thank-you note. I actually enjoy writing thank you notes, so that’s my preferred method of “thanks”. However, many of my friends said they felt pressured into writing long thank-you notes — and it was just one more thing todo. I definitely think it’s important to show gratitude; however, mailing an actual thank you note for the plate of cookies you brought might not happen. Maybe she’ll send you an email or a Facebook message raving about your food or thanking you for a visit. That’s totally fine in my book.
23. Do not talk about how much you love the newborn phase. To be perfectly honest, you probably just THINK you love the newborn phase because you’re forgetting about how awful the sleepless nights and endless crying were. After several nights of little to no sleep, she’s probably not loving the newborn phase and it doesn’t make her feel any better to have you gushing on and on about it.
24. Do not answer your phone or check your emails on her time. No explanation needed.
25. Don’t overstay your welcome. In general, “short and sweet” is good for new moms. We’re tired, we’re busy, we have screaming children that need us to feed them every 2 hours. Although we would love to sit down and chat, we just can’t. Please don’t make us feel like we’re shooing you out the door — just leave politely on your own terms… approximately 15 minutes after you arrive. And if you’d like to visit longer, maybe come back after those crazy few weeks are past.
26. Don’t not ask. Sorry for the double negative — I’m trying to stick with my “don’t” theme here. Basically what I’m trying to say is “you won’t know what she wants unless you ask.” Maybe she needs a gallon of milk or a prescription from the drug store. Maybe she would really love someone to make her bed and clean out the dishwasher. You won’t know until you ask — and often times, these little gestures can totally make a new mom’s day (seriously… not needing to get out for milk was a lifesaver for me on 2 separate occasions). Whenever I visit a new mom, I almost always email a couple days in advance to see if there is anything specifically she’d like me to bring or anything she’d like me to do when I get there (like cleaning or taking her older kids for a walk). I give them a day or so to think about it and consider that a part of my gift. So many people are shocked when I ask, but then admit that it was SO nice to have the offer on the table in advance for them to consider. A few people have done this for me too and it was amazing!
27. Don’t take no for an answer. New moms aren’t always thinking clearing… so when she says “no” or “I’m fine” or “it’s no big deal”, she might really mean “yes, please, that would be amazing!” and “I’m really not fine but I don’t want to drag you into this” and “it IS a big deal to me”. So just keep asking when she tells you no. Make it very apparent that this is your gift to her and she is not inconveniencing you. However, at the same time, if you can tell she really just isn’t up for company, don’t push back too hard. Offer your non-intrusive help (milk or diaper drop-off) and leave it at that.
28. Don’t stay and watch TV. Unless you’re her best friend coming over to watch your favorite weeknight TV program, don’t just sit around and watch TV (especially if any or all of her children are sleeping).
29. Don’t judge or state the obvious. She knows she is still a little (or a lot) chubby and bloated. She knows her house is messier than normal. She knows she doesn’t have make up on and that her hair is a mess. She knows she is still waddling. She probably doesn’t feel great about it, but she also doesn’t need you to make obvious comments like, “wow, you look exhausted”. And I’m sure she doesn’t appreciate passive-aggressive comments about her house-keeping or parenting skills.
30. Don’t be offended if she asks for a rain-check on your visit. Under normal circumstances she would most likely welcome a visit from you any time of the day… but right now, she’s tired, she doesn’t feel presentable, and even though she knows you’re trying to be helpful, she just might not feel like entertaining one more person. Not even for 15 minutes. Maybe you caught her on a bad day… try not to be offended. She’s just not thinking clearly!
.
I know everyone’s situation is different, but for me, the MOST helpful thing was when people brought food and then entertained Nora for an hour without bugging me (or better yet, took Nora with them to do something fun). I was so tired and sore those first few weeks that all I wanted to do was lay down, but that was almost impossible with Nora around. I didn’t want to chit-chat, I didn’t want to entertain anyone, I didn’t want to play with Nora.
I just wanted to sleep with Simon zonked out on my chest for as long as someone could keep Nora occupied… and then eat the food they brought me 🙂
Nicole says
I will be delivering my 5th child (3rd C-section) next month and I love this list! My personality is similar to yours (introverted/ structured), however, so maybe that is why! Great minds think alike! ; )
TM says
While this comment is kind of harsh, there are I parts of it I agree with.
Several of Andrea’s tips were really good, like not visiting when you’re sick. However, others were so subjective, they should not have been on the list at all. A bunch were REALLY nitpicking. I feel bad for the family, friends and acquaintances, who read this blog and came for visits after her children were born. They are probably really worried that they offended you by their visits, when I’m sure they were all just trying to be a help, and send good wishes to your family.
Karen says
I love the list. And I’d like to add “Don’t forget about pets”. A week after my little one was born, my dear friend called and asked “is today a good day to bring you lunch?” She brought my favorite Indian take out. And then she announced she was taking our dog for a walk. I was SO appreciative. As was my dog.
I also loved, when on their way to visit us, friends would ask “What can I pick up for you at the store?” It was wonderful.
Andrea says
oh good point — we don’t have pets so that thought didn’t cross my mind. However, I’ve already been thinking that whenever my sister has a baby (in the future) I will offer to take care of her dog for a couple days to give her a break from vacuuming up his hair every day!
Jenni says
A friend did something similar for me when I was in “morning” sickness so bad you can’t get out of the bathroom mode.
She showed up when she knew my hubby was pulling an all-nighter. She brought water, ginger ale, and saltines into the bathroom, gave me a quick hug, then took both my dogs to her farm for the rest of the night. She slipped them back inside early the next morning.
Andrea says
wow — now that’s a great friend!
ShellyL says
I love it. After having three c-sections, I can honestly say that these “rules” are spot-on for the first few weeks, which is specifically what she said. Give a mama time to recover, ok? I had many of these things happen from acquaintances dropping by the hospital just to sit and visit, in-laws who wouldn’t go home and held the baby without asking, out-of season outfits, etc. Think before you go, people. My MIL even loudly commented at the hospital for all to hear that my DH was “just soooo tired!” Repeatedly. Ummm, hello, I hear there’s a lot of that going around. lol Ignore the nay-Sayers, Andrea. That’s why I tune in every day, because you plainly state what we all were thinking. Hilarious and enjoyable read, even though my youngest is 14 months now (wah). Two thumbs up!
Andrea says
Thanks Shelly
And I would say “wah” with you about the youngest being 14 months — but I have to say, that’s just the start of the “fun time” for me. Since I’m not much of a baby person, I just can’t wait for Simon to get to that 14-20 month age bracket when his personality starts to really shine through 🙂
Enjoy your littles!
Julie says
A good friend of mine ( we were college roommates) had a baby a couple months ago. We live 2 hours apart, but agreed upon a day and time for me to visit. I broke lots of these rules, but my friend didn’t seem to mind. She is a teacher and used to being around people all day, so sitting at home by herself was very boring to her. She sincerely enjoyed my company and kept repeating how nice it was to talk to an adult (I stayed for 4-5hours). She breastfed in front of me (asking ME if it was ok if she did it), not wanting me to leave just because it was time for another feeding. I brought them a meal (that would have lots of leftovers) and dessert,but did end up eating lunch at her house. I offered to go out for lunch/pick something up, but she was too sore to leave the house and just wanted a simple sandwich. I think the point I am trying to make is this: not all of these rules apply to everyone. I think if you are close enough with the person to visit them in those first few weeks, you are close enough to be able to read them at least a little bit and/or not be offended if they assert a kindly stated “please leave.” Also, if you are not close enough friends/family for this to be true, you probably shouldn’t be visiting in those first few weeks anyway!
Andrea says
Yes exactly Julie — that’s why I mentioned numerous times throughout the post that “I know these suggestions won’t apply to everyone…” 🙂
And honestly, I think you summed everything up with your last sentence “if you’re not close enough friends/family for this to be true, you probably shouldn’t be visiting in those first few weeks anyway”. I think that’s the biggest issue — everyone feels like the just HAVE to visit you the minute you have a baby, even if they haven’t seen you in years.
Obviously it sounds like your visit was planned well in advance, which would make a huge difference for me. If I was planning on a good friend coming over (from a distance) at a specific time and date, I would expect them to stay for more than 15 minutes!
Renee says
Amen sister!!! With a 7 week old in my arms as I type I couldn’t agree more!!! Love your honesty!
Rose says
I enjoy visiting your site every morning when I get into work. I had three children, one whom is severely handicapped, and I do enjoy reading your articles….makes me realize I’m normal with what I’m doing. No disrespect to you, but I feel as if this is becoming a “mommy with baby” site only….I don’t have much to relate with your latest articles…and I do appreciate all you do for us. Just a little more general articles….for all of us to enjoy~ Have a wonderful weekend! Can’t wait for Monday’s posts…. : )
Andrea says
Thanks Rose — I think you’ll enjoy Monday’s post 🙂
Elizabeth says
This was a cathartic post for me to read! While I agree we should be grateful for love, support, & visitors, I cannot tell you how much all of these points resonate with me. I have 2 young kids, and the first 4-6 weeks are truly chaotic, stressful & sometimes traumatic. When others are so insensitive toward the needs of a family with small children, I always have to ask myself, “Is it REALLY so easy forget what it’s like to be there???” Your blog is my favorite! Thanks for being so real with us!
Siobhan says
Great post! I can totally relate my son was born in Feb. & I have a high needs 4 yr old and 2 yr old at home. Glad to hear I’m not alone in many of the thoughts I had about visitors in those first few weeks.
This is off topic….I’ve been meaning to ask in the comment section of your time management posts. Would you maybe write a post about the breakdown of your day? Your post about changing your most productive time of day to the early am inspired and helped me so much. I was just curious about how you make the time to take care of your kiddos, home, and work as well.
Thank you again for all of your helpful suggestions and down to earth advice 🙂
Andrea says
Thanks Siobhan! That is a really great topic idea — but honestly, our days are SO crazy and unstructured right now, it would almost be impossible to write out a timeline of a “normal” day — because there isn’t really a normal right now 🙂
it’s kind of like: wake up, eat, get dressed, (lots of craziness), eat lunch, pray nora takes a nap, count down the hours until Dave get’s home (more craziness), eat dinner, get a few things crossed off my list, start the bed time process (even more craziness), clean up the house, do a little work, crash.
how’s that 🙂
on a more serious note, I’m wondering if you missed this post — it kind of answers your question!
Siobhan says
Lol, I hear ya! Ok thanks 🙂
Amanda says
I think this list is great. I frequently just give food and dash, unless it’s a close friend, and then usually I’ll stay and chat for a few. I think communication is key – ask mom when would be a good time for her, ask her what would be most helpful for her, offer to take her older kids (if she has them) off her hands for a few hours (esp if you have similarly aged kids).
I know people have brought up some concerns about food, and I know that our church has a mom’s group that seems to have a pretty good system to help with this. So, when one of the mom’s has a baby (or someone becomes a first time mom), we gather some info from them (address, email, phone, expected due date, and any food allergies/aversions) in advance. Then we have at least 4-5 ladies from church sign-up to bring the family a meal when baby arrives. We use takethemameal.com to coordinate it. We used to find that moms were getting tons of pasta or whatever, but this platform allows everyone to see what others are making, so it adds to the variety of what is delivered. I happen to be the contact point, so I communicate with mom after she gets home and ask her to just let me know when she’s ready for meals to start (often times if family have come into town to help, they wait until they’re “on their own” or hubby goes back to work, and also it helps give mom’s the ability to let us know when they’re ready and not barge in on them), and then I open up the schedule to the ladies that signed up. Also, mom can log in and see when meals are coming and what they are (although we do ask people to contact mom the day before to set up a delivery time). We’ve been doing this for several years, and it works out really well!
Aa. says
I would love to implement such a thing in my church group too. We are not such a big community, so i don’t know if it would work, it is not a custom in my country to bring food to a new mom, evethough it makes sense to me, because it helps her a lot.
Marie says
I like posts like this because I’m not a mom so when I have friends with new babies I never know what the proper etiquette so it’s definitely some good things to consider.
Melinda says
Man, I wish this post was out there 3 and half and 5 and a half years ago! It is a great list, but I think I dealt with every.single.one. of those issues in the first days with my babies. Sigh! The one I would add is this: Don’t call and say your are coming at a certain time. *Ask* if that time works for the new family!
Anna says
I was extraordinarily grateful for the help I had after my daughter was born. I was also grateful for the company, in whatever form it took, and personally, I don’t want anyone to make my bed or clean my house – I don’t find that an acceptable way to treat a guest. I will also always offer at least a drink and I do not demand they bring any sort of gift, not even food, although I did appreciate not having to cook.
The quiet knock is an excellent tip – I made a sign for the door for when mine were napping.
Jenn says
I love this site, but have to say, this is one of my least favorite posts.
I’m not so much picking on you but just the trend itself. I dislike “What Not to Say/Do” lists in general. Some of these were obvious and apply to any visitor at any time: arrive when you say you’ll arrive, don’t over stay your welcome, etc. Great reminders. But many of these just do not apply to everyone and therefore aren’t helpful and may even be counter-productive. For instance, we were swamped with food when we had our kids and I had to tell people not to bring any more! We froze what we could and still had no room! Many women have no problem whatever nursing in front of other and may actually be a bit miffed if you rush off at the first sign of a feeding. Also, some moms may really crave more visits/longer interactions because they long for the company of other adults.
Another thing; I know it’s normal for people to be really focused on themselves and whatever stage they are in at the time, but please remember that your visitors have lives, too. I don’t currently have a newborn, but I’m a homeschooling mom to two elementary-aged kids who have lots of activities. It takes time to put together a meal, buy and wrap a gift, and then deliver it. If you can’t visit, then I appreciate your assertiveness when you say, “I just can’t visit today, do you mind dropping off the food on the porch?” If you invite me in, please don’t expect me to entertain your child for an hour. Please don’t expect me to offer to do your housework or errands. I have plenty of my own to do and little time to do it in!
Instead of writing up very specific lists that don’t apply to everyone, how about a general courtesy list and then a post to encourage new moms to understand that people aren’t mind readers; don’t be a people pleaser, be specific about what you want or need. Be assertive. Learning to be assertive and ask for what you need or want is a great skill to learn because it will serve you well during your entire parenting journey – and beyond!
Angela says
I completely agree with your comment. I am pregnant with my first and have offered support to other friends with children. I most certainly did not stick with all the “Do Nots” on this list and I never once had a friend be less than thankful for the time I spent either doing for them, just congratulating and admiring their child or just sending a text of love and encouragement.
The tone of this post hits a sour note, I think, because it forgets to state the importance of being thankful that people care and are supportive and that sometimes you have to be vocal with your wants/needs and sometimes just remember it’s the thought that counts.
Most of these “Do Nots” sound like you don’t much care for the people who are visiting and you only want what they can give. I’m sure that is not the case, but nevertheless, maybe a little more joy and a little less “do it this way!” would have conveyed that.
I’m sure that once my kidlet has arrived there will be moments that I’m not prepared for visitors and I may have to say, with kindness and tact, that I appreciate the thought, but another time would be better. I also hope that I remember to be gracious and thankful, even if they eat my cookies and don’t bring me food or clean my house, because odds are if they’re walking through my door it’s because they are people I love and people who care a great deal about me and my little family.
Andrea says
Angela,
As I clearly stated in the post, we were NOTHING but thankful and grateful to our visitors — we certainly weren’t rude to them while they were in our house. If we didn’t need/want their gift, we just donated it. If we didn’t like the food, we just tossed it, got a frozen pizza out, and wrote a thank you note anyway.
Also, it’s important to note that this list is for those people visiting NEW moms. As I’m sure you will realize when your baby arrives, those first 4-6 weeks are EXTREMELY stressful. You have a new person in your life, you don’t know what you’re doing, you have crazy hormones, you’re sleep deprived, and you definitely aren’t on your “A game”. After life settles down a bit, I eagerly welcome visitors. However, if they insist on coming to visit right away, then they SHOULD realize that my life is going through a huge transition right now and they need to be sensitive to that.
MrsD says
Right on the money! People who I hadn’t seen in nearly a year just HAD to stop by immediately after the baby was born. They had been around sick children, they did not call before they came, they did not bring food, they interrupted my lunch so after breastfeeding around the clock I was STARVING, they interrupted the baby’s nap, and I had just had a c-section. I was one unhappy mama! We are no longer friends.
I do appreciate a cheap toy for the older toddler though. Something I can toss in the trash in a week and not feel guilty about. It did help me to keep her busy for a bit.
Love this post Andrea!
Andrea says
Oh that’s sad — a ruined friendship because they were so insensitive 🙁
And yes, we appreciated items for Nora too (like coloring items, stickers, water painting books, etc. that would be used up and tossed later!)
Meg says
Wow!! This blows my mind! Why oh why would someone feel it was sooo vital that they come see your baby after not even seeing you for a year?! As long as I live, I will never, ever understand people who think bringing illness around a newborn is ” no big deal”!!! Even for those without babies…if you’ve been sick in the last two weeks, don’t come to my house!
MrsD says
Ha ha…the funny thing is…she was a nurse too. I’m like “come on…you KNOW this!” Ugh! Well, it’s not the only reason we aren’t friends but it was the last straw!
Sarah says
Awesome list! I would add these two:
1) Don’t offer to hold the baby so the new mom can do chores. Instead, offer to wipe down her counters, throw in a kiss if laundry, etc. Generally, moms want more time to bond with their new baby without having to worry about chores.
2) Don’t tell a new mom that her fussy baby reminds you of when you had an infant and “that kind” of fussiness lasts for months on end. First of all, no two babies are exactly alike. Second, that kind of statement is entirely discouraging at a time when the new mom needs encouragement and reassurance.
Mel says
Maybe I’m different, but the one thing I desperately wanted was company or an excuse to get out of the house. I felt so cramped up inside my house caring for something that needed my every second and I just wanted someone to distract me from that.
I know you’ve had a difficult time with sleeping babies/kids, but not everyone did/does. My two month old sleeps through the night and when she naps during the day, I can vaccuum, blast music, do whatever and she sleeps like a rock. I’ve even had the smoke detector go off and she stayed snoozing the whole time. Having someone visit during her nap would actually be perfect for our family.
Overall I think this list is great. It certainly applies to moms in general. All I really wanted was someone to clean my kitchen and have a conversation with me about the “outside world!” Ha!
Andrea says
ha — funny you mentioned cleaning your kitchen. I’ve cleaned MANY friend’s kitchens after their new baby (I asked if it was OK first, of course) and they were all amazed that I would want to do that 😉
Debbie says
Lots of good info here for friends of new moms. I know Andrea opened her post by saying that her opinion may not apply to everyone so it makes sense that Amanda feels this post sounds rude and ungrateful. There are those who like indoor plants and that gift may brighten an exhausted mom’s day. For me it’s a reminder that the best thing to do is to get out of their way. Drop off your meal gift or insistently ask what to help with, otherwise don’t assume your friend can hang out like before. As a person without kids it’s been a transition period with my friendships with new moms. It was too frustrating to call and try to chat when every 3 minutes they would be screaming or talking to their kids while on the phone with me. If I’m over to visit their time is totally divided. I finally learned that the friendship has changed (sad) and that’s just how it is. It’s not because they don’t want to be friends anymore but it’s because their life is different now. Any time I have with them is when we meet for coffee away from their house, and for a limited time only. This time is seldom and far in between. New moms have a new kind of life and the rest of us have to just ride with it. I like what Deb says though, new moms also need to realize that the world doesn’t revolve around them.
Andrea says
Thanks Debbie — you put what I was thinking into words!
Life changes when you have kids and although I would love to give my undivided attention to every person who walks through my door, I just can’t anymore. And I don’t want to be made to feel guilty because I can’t — it’s just a fact of life. So I would honestly rather not have visitors than visitors who are going to make me feel stressed or bad about not giving them 100% of my time.
I know that’s just me — but it’s true!
mb says
I get this list. I had two babies too. But really, what’s a few minutes ( or longer) out of your day in the big picture of things to show gratitude to those who are happy for you and the birth of your little one(s)? Time marches on and sometimes you have to entertain when you don’t feel like it to preserve friendships and be kind to others. I had some visitors too, who probably did a lot of the things on your list, but looking back, there’s much worse in life than getting an out of season outfit or a plant (seriously, just say thanks and toss it in the garbage if it’s going to bug you!) I do enjoy your blog and it’s good to vent sometimes, but I have to agree that you come off rather rude in this one. I think most people are trying to help, not just coming to eat, watch TV, or see you nurse.
Heidi says
We also had some family and friends who stocked our fridge and pantry with all the essentials before we came home from the hospital. Such a blessing!
Hospital visits are definitely one of those things that just depend on the mom. After my first baby, i was in the hospital for close to 6 days due to having to take some intravenous medications for my multiple sclerosis. Nobody (other than immediate family) wanted to bother us, so we just sat there and twiddled our thumbs for almost a week. We would have LOVED a visit from somebody different. When we got ready to deliver the 2nd one, our friends felt more comfortable to come by and visit. They were awesome about bringing by snacks and takeout for us all to enjoy. Some would even come and sit with me and the baby so my husband could go home to check on our toddler, check the mail, etc. Everybody’s different- my husband and I thrive on the conversation and just a visit (even without any food since we’ve got some picky eaters in our house) 🙂
Jen says
#19 made me laugh out loud. “No, he’s a crappy baby. He cries when he’s hungry and he can’t even wipe his own ass. What a freeloader. Honestly, we’re thinking of returning him.”
Like…what? What a weird question. Are there non-good babies? I got asked this, too, but it still cracks me up.
Kelly says
Jen, your quote made me laugh harder than I have in a long time! Love it!
Andrea says
🙂
yes, I laughed when I read this comment too!
Julia says
No new baby here, but I am recovering from major surgery and complications that came with it. As you mention, most of these definitely apply to visiting those who are ill.
I’d like to add some don’ts to guide those who with good intentions try to contact new moms or ill friends. I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but please be considerate.
Don’t call repetitively within a few hours if your call was not answered the first time. For any given reason, we might not be up to talking. Wait for us to call you back.
Don’t give us guilt trips for not having answered your calls once we do speak with you.
Don’t be persistent about Skyping. Again, for any given reason, we are not up to it. Don’t pressure us.
Don’t drag the phone conversation or Skype session on forever. Just as in visiting, keep it sweet and short. No more than five minutes, I’d say.
DON’T call to ask me to follow through on a request you made that for obvious reasons I have not yet done so! Yes! a friend complained I had not sent her info she asked for, and even told me to please not forget! ugh!
I think a better way of contacting someone is through messaging or text, as you say, Andrea. And simply ask your ill friend or new mom to call/Skype you when she’s up to it. A friend did this, and it felt great to not feel pressured and NOT get a guilt trip when I didn’t call until a week later.
Thanks for spreading the word, Andrea! : )
Andrea says
hmmm… sounds like you are similar to me in that you really don’t like long phone/skype conversations 🙂 I beg people to email rather than call — my mom is starting to learn 🙂
Thanks for the additions to my list!
Cathy says
I would add one for us mommies–don’t be afraid to be honest and speak up! When you have a new baby you don’t have to please everyone and be ‘nice’–you can get a hormone pass 🙂
If you want people to leave-tell them.
If you don’t want people to hold the baby-tell them.
Andrea says
I agree with you Cathy — but unfortunately, the few times I have spoken up, I’ve been made to feel very guilty and rude. So now I just make Dave be the “bad guy”!
Erin says
This list is wonderful! I just had my first child 8 weeks ago and I think everyone should have this list! There was one time that friends from out of town stayed for almost 5 hours talking. Yes my baby was a month old at the time and yes we hadn’t seen them in awhile. But when I say “she must be getting hungry” multiple times… please get the hint!
Everyone should read this list and atleast adhere to the majority of them!
Andrea says
oh my — 5 hours! That’s a lot! I’m sure it was nice catching up, but I totally feel your pain with not wanting to feed the baby in front of others 🙂
jaime says
I AM LAUGHING OUT LOUD AT WORK! This is hilariously great Andrea, and spot on! I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks like this.
Especially with the long visits even when you say a million times “the baby is hungry” and you know I’m breastfeeding!
Or when people stop by unannounced. Prime example: my husbands family suprised us the morning after my baby was born at the hospital (they live 16 hours away). I had HELLP syndrome so I wasn’t expecting my baby to come 4 weeks early, I was still recoving from all the meds, and we just got our baby out of the NICU less then 8 hours before they arrived. So i only got 8 hours (these hours were during the night) of being with my preemie.
By the time they all showed up my side of the family also arrived (at thier approved time). I had over 10 people and 5 toddlers in my room at once! The nurses and myself weren’t very happy since she was a preemie, she really needed to just be with mom and dad and get her strength up, instead of being held by 30 different hands. Talk about anxiety and annoyance.
Andrea says
wow — that DOES sound stressful! Thankfully, pretty much all our family is in town and they were all really good about “short and sweet” hospital visits!
Meg says
Are you kidding me?? Our hospital limits to 2 visitors only and NO children unless a sibling. I would have been furious with them for just showing up. How do people who live 16 hours away just show up like that? There should be rule made that no surprises are allowed for at least 2 weeks after a woman gives birth!! So sorry you had to go through that. The fleeting common sense of some people really concerns me
Rochelle says
I have one to add :). Don’t hold the baby until after you’ve washed your hands!! And if the new mom has to ask you to wash your hands, please do so with out rolling your eyes or acting like she is a total germaphobe. One of my sons was in the NICU for almost 2 weeks & born during influenza season. The doctors gave us very specific instructions about having people wash their hands, due to my son’s lack of immunity. So many people acted offended when we’d ask them to wash their hands. Really is that big of a deal to wash your hands?? Because it is a REALLY big deal if my newborn gets sick! And to go along with this- ask before you hold the baby, some babies really shouldn’t be exposed to so many people. And don’t be offended if the mom says no.
Andrea says
yes, that’s a good one! I remember a friend with a premie and she had huge bottles of hand sanitizer EVERYWHERE in her house and was insistent that you used it any time you even came close to the baby. And yes, I too have offended people (especially church people) when I said “no” to holding the new baby at church. Sorry, but my life is miserable if my kid gets sick, so I’d rather offend another person for 10 seconds than deal with a sick kid for a week!
Julie says
I would modify a couple of those don’ts – first of all, out of season clothing is a great gift as long as the giver takes into consideration the future age of the baby during the particular season! My babies both had a year’s worth of clothes due to such thoughtfulness! And secondly, I would caution against bringing home cooked food unless you have cooked for the family before and know they like what you cook – just because some people are capable of cooking doesn’t mean it is good. We had some horrible meals brought to us and then were faced with having to unexpectedly provide our own because the food was just that bad. Collecting an order from a favorite restaurant and delivering it in time for dinner can be a much better option!
Andrea says
Julie, I would not consider that “out of season clothing”. That’s just “buying for the future”. What I mean by “out of season clothing” is clothing that will never fit at the correct time of year. For example, I got a bunch of summer newborn outfits when Nora was born in late November. Obviously, in Michigan, we would never use summer clothes in November and she was well out of the newborn size by the time summer rolled around. So they were never worn.
We definitely DO welcome clothing for the future and had oodles of clothes for Nora a full year in advance. We also have clothes for Simon in advance, but they are the appropriate size for the season he will need to wear them in.
Also, good point about the meals. Dave and I are not picky eaters at all, so we pretty much eat anything someone brings without too much fuss — however, we also have some VERY good cooks in our friends and family 🙂
Deb says
I think that the biggest thing to remember is that life is difficult, crazy and unpredictable with a newborn. I remember people calling in the morning to see if they could come up to the hospital that night, well I felt great in the morning, so I said ok. By that evening, I was completely exhausted, the adrenaline was gone and I was super tired after a terrible labor. Visitors need to be sensitive, flexible and gracious and realize that you are only helping if the person needs/desires the type of help you are providing regardless of whether it makes you feel good. And new moms also need to realize that the world does not revolve around them and their little baby and still be thankful for everything and that this season will pass.
Andrea says
Yes, yes, yes! I can totally relate to feeling great in the morning, but so tired by the time visitors actually showed up.
And I hope it is evident from my post that we were still very gracious and grateful for our gifts, meals, visits, etc. We were never, ever rude to anyone who came to visit (even if “visiting” was the last thing we wanted to do at the time) and we sent thank-you notes/emails for every gift and visit. This post is just hopefully helpful for those people who might be visiting new moms in the future 🙂
Tina M says
I would add that when you DO bring a meal, make sure it’s in a disposable container. New mom doesn’t need to be bothered with cleaning, remembering who it belongs to, and returning it.
Andrea says
Amen Tina — that’s actually something I mentioned in the post I linked to within the Food point. Disposable containers are the best!
Angela says
Ha! Totally loved this. My absolute favorite is the out of season clothing. My baby was born in late October and we got tons of Summer clothing in newborn to six months sizes. I think they were definitely on end of Summer sales 🙂 I didn’t even take the tags off…I will regift.
lydia @ Five4FiveMeals says
Dinner is the price of admission to see the baby!
Ann says
TRUE & spot-on post!! Add in a C-SECTION momma & all 30 apply PLUS more! Thanks Andrea!
Amanda says
I “get” most of this but I do think it sounds awfully ungrateful too and a bit subjective! What is “cluttery” to you (most everything!) may not be to someone else. And, don’t bring a houseplant or hold the baby too long? Really?? Some people MAY really enjoy the newborn phase and some people’s babies DO sleep well!
You could have saved yourself a lot of time writing this post and just said “Don’t bother me until my baby is six months old. I’ll put a drop box for food on the porch.”
I generally enjoy your posts but this one is awfully selfish and almost rude.
Autumn says
Yeah, I like Andrea’s blog but if I knew her I would never want to visit because of all the “rules”! Scary! Maybe it this was only like 5 or 10 Dont’s it would come across better… ?
Stacey says
I completely agree. While I know caveats were made about being grateful for things, it sounds much less than grateful and gracious in this post and in replies to comments. I hope no one who knows you personally has inadvertently done any of these many things reads this post. If it were me, It would break my heart and make me leery of helping/caring for anyone else. That would be extremely sad.
I know this is your personal blog and these are your opinions and what you think might not apply to everyone, and I know new baby stage is NOT easy for you, but this post comes across as very cold and demanding.
Katie says
YES. I agree 100% with all of the above. I honestly cannot believe that so many on the list are not common sense. #29 stood out to me b/c a certain very close in-law would proclaim, “Wow Katie, you look so tired!” EVERY time she came to our house after both of my boys were born. Clearly I look tired… I don’t sleep anymore. Thank you for the encouragement. Anyway, love the list and I’m so glad your family of 4 is doing well. You look GREAT!
Andrea says
Thanks Katie 🙂
and yes, I get the “you look so tired” comment ALLL the time. Even the college age grocery cashier told me I looked exhausted!
CJ says
Yes!!!! To all of the above! I am having flashbacks now of when I brought my children home as newborns and some people may mean well when they come to visit but they just don’t get it. Also I would like to add to the list that if a new mom has left the work force to stay home with her child, do not ask her what she does all day (also not appreciated).
Rachael says
Amazing! Honestly we had our first babe 6 months ago and some of this list still applies! I think there’s a big priority shift when you have kids and some people don’t understand or expect you to interact the same way as you have always done. I often tend to be a “people pleaser” and that has resulted in some long visits when all I wanted to do was nap or just sit in silence for a bit. If my husband could tell I needed the visit to end, he would just say “Time for our nap!” and that would cue people to leave. Although there were a few times I did say, I’m going to have to cut this short. We realized pretty quickly that the best way of handling visitors was to be explicit about expectations. Sure, you can come over at 11 but we will be feeding at 1130, so we’ll have to end our visit by then! Love your posts Andrea!
Jennifer says
Thank you so much for this list! I don’t have children, but all my friends are having their first babies lately, and I always try to make a visit when they do. My only goal is to be as nice and helpful as possible, but it’s really hard to know what’s nice and what’s intrusive!
I’m making a mental note for myself that when I have children and people try to visit me, I need to be up front about what I want and don’t want! I’m also going to ask my friend, whom I’m visiting next week, if she’d like me to bring a meal along too!
Andrea says
Awww, you sound like a great friend! I’m sure a meal (or even some snacks) would really be appreciated by your friend!
Elle says
Jennifer – YES – Bring food!! (without even asking). Or if you don’t really cook much – bring healthy snacks. One of the BEST things someone brought me was some snacks (alongside her meal which was good) but the snacks were awesome. A few cookies/goodies, but some fresh fruit – already washed & cut up!! & veggies. Having fresh veggies/produce already washed & cut up seemed amazing when I couldn’t move from the couch for a week!
Carrie says
You may find the more kids you have, the less of a deal it is when you bring home another baby. For the first and even second child, everybody wants to stop and visit. Also, being a new mom, you are still learning how to juggle and it is a lot more annoying.
By the time I had number five, it was just another day. I came home from the hospital, put the baby in the crib and started cleaning up the house and making dinner. I didn’t get a ton of visitors and I welcomed the ones I did have.
And as a person who visits people after having babies, I can agree that they really seem to appreciate having dinner brought to them. I like to bring the dinner and then hold the baby so they can eat in peace and quiet.
susie says
I agree! But I am like you and recover quickly. I never know when to bring meal to others because I don’t want to make them worry about getting ready for me to stop by.
Andrea says
Yes, I agree with this too. We had less visits with Simon than we did with Nora — and I felt SO much more “with it” with Simon than with Nora. Not sure we’ll make it to 5 kids — but if we do, I’ll probably be cleaning the house and making dinner when I get home!
Katie says
I am really enjoying your postpartum posts! I gave birth to my first child a few days after you had Simon (March 9) and can really relate to this and also what you wrote about your wardrobe. Everything from the baby to my body has been such a huge adjustment, it’s nice to have someone else put it into words!
Michelle says
This is a fantastic list!! Someone actually told us that having as many people get their visits in at the hospital was helpful for them, because usually the nurse would come in or their food would be delivered, etc. at good intervals giving an obvious hint for those people to leave. I wish I had this list to email around before my own baby was born haha!
Andrea says
Yes, I can actually see this being true — more visits at the hospital, less at home. Dave and I just both really didn’t want a lot of hospital visitors (mostly because I felt so gross!) We were only the in the hospital for such a short time anyway that it made more sense for us to have the visitors at home. But I know that MANY MANY people don’t share my view on this!