Inside: It’s normal to feel frustrated, even angry when you don’t get the help you want around the house… but it doesn’t need to hurt your relationships.
The other night, as I was setting out clothes to wear the next morning, I caught myself smiling when I grabbed a pair of jeans off the shelf in my closet.
You see, the jeans were folded the “wrong way” — at least in my opinion.
They were folded the opposite way I fold my pants, so I knew Dave had folded them.
He always folds my pants “wrong”.
As silly as it seems to me now, this bugged me early on in our marriage — after all, how many times had I showed him (and reminded him) how I fold my pants? Not to mention the fact that I always fold his pants HIS WAY.
But at some point over the last 14 years, I realized my husband’s willingness to help out around the house by folding the laundry (or doing any number of household tasks) is WAAAAAAAY more important than if my pants are folded the “right way”.
Now I smile whenever I pull out a pair of freshly washed jeans, pants, shorts, or capris and notice they are folded the opposite way because this means Dave folded them… and he folded them because he loves me.
Similarly, there are countless times throughout the day when the kids pick up after playing a game, doing a craft, or making a massive LEGO creation — and they don’t do it nearly as well as I would do it myself.
Deep down, this bothers me and I’m always tempted to go back and straighten the books on the shelf, put the LEGOs in the “right” bin, and tuck their sheets on the bed so they don’t hang down longer on one side (certainly, I can’t be the only one bothered by sloppy beds!)
However, I know my children are (usually) doing their best to help out around the house.
My Quick Fix:
Instead of grumbling and complaining, or feeling like I’m the “only one who does anything around the house”, I take 5 seconds to reframe my thoughts and focus on the fact that I have 4 amazing kiddos who are trying to pitch in and do their part around the house!
And I can’t help but get a big smile on my face when I find something of Claras in an odd place — knowing she was trying to be organized in her own little toddler way!
I know these examples are REALLY small and insignificant compared to the struggles some of you wrestle with on a daily basis.
I regularly get asked for advice on apathetic spouses, stubborn children, and families who don’t help out around the house (or appreciate the work you do around the house).
I have shared a few helpful tips before… but family dynamics are so different, it’s hard for me to feel confident giving concrete advice as to what will and will not work.
However, one thing I know works is to change myself!
This is NOT to say we should willingly do every little thing around the house or that our family shouldn’t help or show appreciation for the work we do.
It’s simply to state the often overlooked fact that the only person in this whole world we can truly “control” is ourselves.
- We can control our own actions (doing the work even if others aren’t helping).
- We can control our own words (praising instead of condemning or correcting).
- We can control our own thoughts (giving the benefit of the doubt, not jumping to conclusions).
- We can control our own feelings (gratefulness for our family… even if they aren’t always the easiest to live with).
- We can control our own perspective (searching for one tiny positive in a sea of potentially obvious negatives).
- We can control our own expectations (possibly lowering our expectations a bit).
No, it’s not easy!
And in case you think I’m so far ahead of the game because I have this all figure out already — I’m not… and I don’t.
I wrestle with negative actions, words, thoughts, feelings, and perspectives every single day. And my expectations are often too high for myself and my family.
I am nowhere near perfect — neither is Dave and neither are our children.
BUT… I make progress every day, and that’s the best I can do.
TAKE ACTION!
The next time you feel frustrated or angry regarding your spouse’s lack of support, your children’s unwillingness to help, or the fact that most of the housework falls on your plate, I challenge you to look at yourself first — your own thoughts, actions, expectations, etc. — and consider if there’s anything YOU can change to view the situation in a more positive light.
In all honesty, you might be TOTALLY justified in your frustrations.
You might have every right to feel sorry for yourself and the fact that you do WAY more around the house than anyone else.
But… will that help your situation?
Does showing your frustration and anger magically entice your spouse to fold the laundry or your kids to willingly pick up after themselves?
Probably not.
Allowing yourself to be angry and resentful will ultimately hurt you and your family. It won’t solve anything, and it could potentially even exacerbate the problem.
On the flip side, your family, your marriage, and your own life will be positively impacted by your efforts to be more positive and encouraging (even if the final outcome isn’t immediately what you hope for.)
Recommended Resources:
In my experience, it’s most helpful to first focus on improving your relationship with your spouse and children.
Of course, this is not to say that just because you have a better relationship, your family will automatically want to help out more around the house! However, if the relationship aspect is there, so many of the other “puzzle pieces” of life will fall into place.
These are a few of my favorite relationship-building books!
As for me…
I told Dave he’s not allowed to fold my pants the “right way” anymore.
I don’t want to miss out on that feeling I get every time I pull out a pair of wrongly-folded pants, knowing he loves me enough to help out with the laundry (and so many other jobs around the house).
It’s YOUR turn…
Instead of wishing your family would be more helpful, what’s ONE way you will change your own thoughts, action, words, perspective, or expectations TODAY?
Feel free to share with me directly if you don’t feel comfortable sharing publicly in the comments.
Related Reading:
- 5 Tips to Encourage a More Organized Family
- How to Handle a Messy Spouse
- Your Expectations Matter
- Why Laughter is Often the Best Medicine
- A Mans’ Perspective on How to Get Husband to Help More (from Parenting.com)
- 6 Reasons Kids Don’t Help Around the House (from Aha Parenting)
Heather Meyer says
My husband’s exact words are “ I don’t do it right anyway, so why help!” I too, have this problem of satisfaction when a job is correctly and neat. I blame this on my father and grandfather, the perfectionists I’ve observed. These men in my life have demonstrated skills that I wish my husband possesses.
When it comes to my three children 20,16,&13 yrs of age) I have passed on my eccentric neat freak gene to two of them. My sixteen yr old and I clash when it comes tidiness. She gets moments of “speed cleaning “ that lasts for 30 minutes monthly.
My aha moment from this post is…for this mom to relax and allow my family to do it there way even if it drives me batty!
Thanks! Love your blogs.
Andrea says
That’s a great ah-ha moment, heather.
I can definitely relate to how you feel, and I can tell you it’s not easy to “flip the switch” and magically stop caring as much about your home.
The one thing that has helped me over the years is to have areas of the house that I personally keep cleaner and other areas I don’t worry about.
For example, I keep the kitchen and our bedroom/bathroom very clean because I personally use those spaces a lot. But I let the kids spaces stay messier as long as they pick them up eventually.
As they get older, I let them have more say in how they keep their bedrooms, where they store their things, etc.
Even typing this it feels insignificant, but it makes a big difference for our home and (most importantly) for our family.
I continually remind myself that saying “no” to constant cleaning and tidying often means saying “yes” to things like a happier family, and more balance.
Baby steps 😉
Laura says
This reminds me of a side-by-side photo I saw on Pinterest recently. The comment said something like, “When our kids turn 5, they are expected to make their own bed. I never fix their work.” Then it had pictures of the bed on day 1 and day 30 or so– night and day difference, one sloppy, one nearly adult-level work. People learn best when they have lots of room to fail without harsh consequences.
I definitely recall following directions like your kids. I would “hang up” my clothes all over my room instead of neatly in the closet. 😀
I’m grateful for a husband who keeps the house running when I work a 72 hour week and try to give him a break on the days I’m off.
Andrea says
thanks for this encouragement Laura! Your hubby sounds like a great guy!
Chris says
This is an EXCELLENT post! I would like to write a word of encouragement for those reading this and who are tempted to complain, “Well, my husband doesn’t even help at all!” or they do very little housework, which is my husband. Try to look at all the other ways your husband may be showing you love, etc. Recently, I accidentally unplugged our freezer, thinking I was unplugging something else. It isn’t in our house and we were on vacation, so it wasn’t discovered until it was too late. There was probably between $250 and $300 worth of food in it. He didn’t even get mad at me. He also works very hard to provide for our family and has the patience of Job, just to name a few things.
Andrea says
Thank you SOOOO much for sharing this Chris!
This is excellent “advice” and I know your story will be helpful for so many of my readers!
Patti Painter says
Happy Birthday!!! I hope it is a wonderful day and a blessed year ahead. Thank you for all you do for us your readers. I don’t usually comment but do enjoy reading your blog and emails. Your family is special and I love hearing from you in your emails. I will be 60 years old next month but still find so much to take away from your posts. Thanks again!
Andrea says
Thanks Patti!
It was a good day today 🙂
Happy birthday to you next month!
JoDi says
This is such great advice! I do most of the housework now since I get home from work so much earlier than my husband. When our work schedules were different and my husband was helping more with household things like emptying the dishwasher, I never complained when he put things in the “wrong” places. I just looked at it like a treasure hunt. It was always entertaining seeing where things ended up, and occasionally, I would actually prefer where he put a certain item and then start putting it there myself! (I still don’t like the way he folds towels though so I do those myself! LOL)
Andrea says
I love the idea of a “treasure hunt” to find your kitchen items! I’ve had to do this before too as Dave frequently helps to clean out the dishwasher. Now, Nora is starting to help too — but she almost always asks when she’s not sure where to put something 🙂
Debbie says
What a great reminder Andrea! Yes, I too get frustrated when the hubs doesn’t do things like I would like it to be. I forget how much he helps out with housework as well as doing projects I ask him to do. I will make sure to remember what he does and not focus on what’s not being done “right”.
Andrea says
it’s totally normal to get frustrated — however, it’s when we ACT on that frustration that the problems start! We don’t need to overlook it or pretend we’re happy, just ask in a nice way and reframe our own expectations so we aren’t as easily frustrated.
Sounds so easy… doesn’t it!?!
Lori says
Love this Andrea! Spot on!
Debby says
A lady told me a long time that if we just look at how they see it, that can help. That instead of thinking they just don’t want to help, then see it as they it just isn’t something on their radar. She was a widow with five children under the age of 10. I thought wow if she can have that kind of grace then I should too. I haven’t totally mastered this but I am still a work in progress. I try to think ok no one did this to try and upset me. We can all use a little more grace. It goes a long way.
Andrea says
This is almost exactly what Dave told me many years ago — he said, “I just don’t see that something needs to be done”. His solution was for me to write a list of things I wanted him to do every day. It felt so tedious and juvenile at the time, but now, 14 years later, he DOES see what needs to be done (and he does it!)
And yes… lots of grace!
Christina Pierson says
I’ve heard it said “lower your expectations increase your joy”
And teaching or letting kids help with chores around the house helps them to grow up and do them on their own. They may not do them perfectly, but any help should be appreciated.
Andrea says
yes, definitely! I love that phrase.
I regularly need to keep my expectations in check because they make a HUGE difference for my happiness and satisfaction (with myself, my marriage, my family, my home, etc)
Kim says
I am married to the nicest guy on the planet. He has a work ethic that won’t quit. I have either been a stay-at-home mom or worked part time for 44 years of marriage, so most of the housework has been mine and rightly so.
Because of my childhood experience, I decided I would not be a witch about unrealistic standards of cleanliness. But, I did tell my wonderful husband the other day that by the time he retires, he MUST learn how to adequately ring out the dish rag before he wipes down a kitchen counter. I have my limits. He has about 5 years to develop this skill. Sigh………..
Andrea says
this is too funny! I also can’t stand it when the dish rags aren’t rung out and get drippy water everywhere!
I think your hubby will be able to master that skill in the next 5 years!
Annette Silveira says
This is really sweet and completely true. I had a (very stupid) preference that nothing be put in the very back of the top rack of the dishwasher. The prongs don’t hold the item upright and, for some crazy reason, it bugged me. I fussed to myself every time I unloaded the dishes. Finally, I asked my husband not to put anything back there. We laughed at how ridiculous it was, but he accommodates me. My “wrong” example is when he unloads the dishwasher. I usually have to hunt for something because he’s put it in the wrong spot. But, he saw the job needed doing and he helped. Finally, the picture of the toys on the hardwood instead of the carpet was hilarious!
Andrea says
haha — I love that you can admit it was a “stupid preference”! Your hubby sounds great!
JJ says
You are so right! For me, the best help to change myself has been to simply smile. When I feel Grumpy Grinchish, I stop myself and smile. It’s really hard to complain while smiling. Also replacing a negative with a positive. One thing your post inspired me to do is change the negative into a positive. So here’s my goal today: Instead of, “Ugh! They peed around the toilet AGAIN.” “They have hands to help clean up as they learn how to aim.” I need to work on my growth mindset.
Not to contradict your post at all: One thing that has worked with changing my family’s understanding is to use word pictures. It is not an every time fix. But recently this happened. I was tired of everyone just bringing their dishes to the sink. That might seem strange. But we have a dishwasher. It literally takes 5 seconds to open and put it in. Our dishwasher doesn’t take off left on food. So it’s a lot more work for me to dump, rinse, and put away everyone’s dishes. When everyone’s piles up, it takes longer. So I gave the example yesterday: (We have a very long driveway): When I get the trash and recycling bins to bring them up to the house, it is helpful to Daddy. But if I were to put them right in front of the garage(he parks in the garage), while it was nice for me to bring them up the driveway, it’s still extra work for Daddy if he would have to get out of his car, move the bins over 5 feet, and get back in his car to drive and park his car. Our intentions are great, but we should do what is most helpful if we are able. That really seemed to click with them. While holding the trash bag for them to empty their “food gunk” some got on their hands and mine. Smiling truly kept the mood more positive.
Andrea says
Thanks for your comment! I LOVE the idea of using word pictures and I’m sure it will be so helpful to others who read the comments too!
Your examples are great too!