Today is the last day of Baby Week here on the blog. I’ve had so much fun celebrating Baby Dekker #2 with a full week of fun baby-related posts and giveaways — all geared to make life with a new baby a little simpler, more organized, and more fun!!
If you haven’t entered to win the 12 fabulous giveaways yet, do so here!
Happy Valentines Day!
Today is a day of love — and although I truly don’t buy into Hallmark Holidays, I thought today would be the perfect day to share a love story with you. It’s not a traditional love story by any means — and it’s not even about Dave 🙂
Today, I’m sharing my love story with Nora, and the whirlwind journey motherhood has taken me on these past 815 days (yes, I counted).
Although I officially became a mother on 11-22-11, my journey to motherhood started years ago — well before Dave and I ever met.
I always knew I wanted to be a mother, but never in the sense that I wanted to babysit, play dolls, or really even hold other babies growing up. I never understood my one sister’s infatuation with tiny babies and her love for babysitting small children (that sister is now a Labor and Delivery nurse by the way!) and still to this day, I will almost never ask to hold someone else’s baby or volunteer to watch other people’s small children.
I just really don’t like babies (and I’m honestly not saying that to be funny or weird).
No, when I pictured myself as a mother, it was never to infants or toddlers — although I did realize it would most likely need to start out that way.
Instead, I envisioned myself baking cookies and doing crafts with my 5 and 6 year olds; carting my 8 and 9 year olds to soccer practice, baseball games, and piano lessons; preparing my 11 year olds for their first day of middle school; and shopping for prom dresses with my 16 year olds.
I envisioned parent-teacher conferences at school, watching them sing in the church choir, and family vacations without the need for diaper bags, pack n’ plays, sippy cups, or carseats.
I had a feeling motherhood would be difficult for me, but I figured I could do it (at least after age 4!)
So although Dave and I knew we wanted to have children some day, we were both totally fine waiting several years to start our family.
I told Dave how nervous I was to have an infant, and frequently asked him to consider adopting older children (yes, I was serious). Dave wasn’t sold on adopting older children before we even tried to have our own — and I agreed that it might be better if we “started at the beginning” with a newborn baby so we could get some experience with the whole spectrum of parenting.
Fast-forward a few years…
I don’t think either of us could have ever been prepared for how insanely life-altering it would be to bring Nora home on that Thanksgiving Day, 2011.
Although we had SO much to be thankful for, I don’t even have a picture of Nora and I “coming home” because I was literally SOBBING the entire last day in the hospital, the entire ride home, and basically until we went to bed that first night.
The nurses kept asking me what was wrong and all I could say was, “there is no way I can take this baby home with me.” They smiled and reassured me that everything would be fine — but I seriously doubted that.
Everything would NOT be fine.
I had no idea how to care for this tiny person who was now 100% dependent on me, and the thought of raising this child for the next 4+ years (to the point where we could finally start baking cookies and doing crafts) was simply too much for me to handle 🙂
I was told these overwhelming feelings of anxiety, depression, and fear would subside after a couple weeks… but they didn’t. In fact, they got worse — but then I was told that it was just because I was so sleep-deprived and to wait it out a few more weeks until the baby was on a schedule and sleeping more regular hours (insert loud laughter).
.
Two years later, Nora is still not on a schedule and is still not sleeping regularly through the night — but at least I can say that some time in that 2-year period, I was finally able to move past most of that anxiety, depression, and fear.
It took a really long time (probably close to 18 months) and I was never once offered or encouraged to try medication.
Everyone told me it was normal to be overwhelmed, it was normal to feel slightly anxious and depressed — this was all part of being a first-time mom and it was probably because I was so organized before having kids. However, I really don’t think these people understood what I was going through on a daily basis — and of course, it wasn’t really something I wanted to have lengthy conversations about.
As someone who rarely ever cried or worried before I had kids, my days were now spent sobbing on the couch (usually with Nora screaming in my arms). And the few hours at night when I wasn’t awake with Nora, I was laying awake in my own bed worrying and feeling anxious about EVERYTHING.
“What if our house starts on fire and I can’t get to Nora?”
“What if I get in an accident in the cold weather and can’t call for help so Nora freezes in her carseat?”
“What if I die — how would Dave care for Nora on his own?”
“What if Dave dies — I could never do it all by myself?”
“What if Nora stops breathing or starts choking and I don’t notice or can’t get help in time?”
“What if I pass out in the middle of the day and no one notices until Dave get’s home from school and Nora is on her own all day?”
These might sound totally crazy to someone in their “right frame of mind” but these thoughts (and hundreds of others) were legitimate and real concerns that plagued me every single day — and night.
I loved my little girl more than words could describe, but I was an absolute wreck.
Surprisingly enough, I could usually hold it together pretty well whenever anyone else was around. Aside from a few really bad days, Dave was the only one who saw my anxiety, depression, and fear — and I don’t even think HE realized how bad it was.
Honestly, I didn’t even realize how bad it was!
It was only in the past 6 – 8 months or so when I finally started to feel totally “normal” again (yes, that was the exact same time I was finally able to stop nursing Nora) and I could look back and see how awful my first year+ of motherhood really was. Not “awful” in a sense that I don’t have any happy memories of that first year, but simply from the standpoint that I know I NEVER EVER want to go through that again!
Yes, I’m still tired and I still find myself excited to move past the baby stage (I realize it will be a while yet)… but at least I can breathe, I can enjoy the day without feeling suffocated by my anxious thoughts, and despite my pregnancy hormones, I can go weeks without shedding a tear!
Although Nora still isn’t quite old enough to really help me bake, and our “crafts” mainly consist of putting stickers on every stick-able surface within her reach, life is SO much better now that she is a bit older and I feel like my “normal” self again!
However, the anxiety is coming back.
With another baby on the way in just a couple weeks, I can’t help but feel a little anxious about what life will be like when we bring him home. Yes, I realize the irony of this situation — I’m getting anxious about the fact that I may or may not have severe anxiety after our next baby is born 🙂
For the record, I’m 100% OK with taking medication from the day I give birth if I feel it’s necessary. Dave and my doctors are totally on board with this too — which in itself is a huge relief for me. I know that no matter what, I will never feel as horrible as I did with Nora.
There is just no way I’m going to let another year of my life slip through my fingers again — and I honestly don’t care what anyone else says!
I listened to everyone else’s opinions with my first baby… this time, I’m trusting myself and doing what I feel is best for ME, for MY BABY, and for OUR ENTIRE FAMILY.
So what about that Valentine’s Day love story?
Don’t worry, I’m getting there!
As I’m sure many moms out there can relate to, my love story with Nora is so much different than my love story with Dave (you can read that story here and here!)
With Dave, I had plenty of time to get to know him, grow to love him, and learn to live with all those little imperfections we each have. Plus, it was ALWAYS a give-and-take relationship — meaning the more I invested into the relationship, the more I got out of it.
With Nora, she was just THERE, screaming in my arms and waiting for me to love her without ever really getting to know her. And as with all babies, it’s just a give-and-give-and-give-and-give relationship (which is especially difficult for someone who doesn’t naturally go gaga over newborn babies!)
There were plenty of days when I wondered (and of course worried) if my anxiety, depression, and fear meant that I somehow didn’t love my baby enough — talk about mom guilt! But thankfully, I NOW know it was just the opposite. I loved her so much — which probably made it even harder to get my emotions in check.
Over the past two years, this little girl has completely stolen my heart — to the point that my chest literally hurts when she hugs me and says, “oh mommy, you’re my favorite. I wove you so really vewy much!”
I would do ANYTHING to keep her from harm.
I would do ANYTHING to calm her fears.
I would do ANYTHING to make her smile.
I honestly can’t even fathom being able to love TWO kids that much — but I know it will happen.
Nora and I have made it through a lot together (WAY more “junk” than Dave and I have ever had to trudge through) and we’re both still standing tall!
In fact, I think our relationship is stronger because of it.
So to all the mothers who have battled with anxiety, fear, or depression for weeks, months, or years of their lives, and are also still standing tall… Happy Valentine’s Day to you and all those kiddos you’ve loved unconditionally through it all!
Although they might not come out and say it so freely, I’m sure they “wove you so really, vewy much” too!
Jennifer says
I listened to MY voice, thoughts, and opinions with baby two. She is three now and, like Nora, has never been on a schedule and only slept through the night about a dozen times. I allowed myself the grace to be totally overwhelmed and I see her learning grace as well. Our bond is so very special. Thanks for your honesty in our seemingly “picture perfect” society.
Kim says
Love, love, love! I had major anxiety, depression and fear problems BEFORE kids…having a 3 year old boy and another little one the way (just found out last week!), I am not super stressed about finding out where we are going to send the little guy to preschool and who is going to watch the new baby! My husband always says that I worry needlessly because “things always work out” but what if they don’t this time? I will say though that my baby boy has helped me with letting some of the anxiety go…he helps me to realize that I need to just sit back and relax sometimes! Good luck with the new baby! I just know you will do great!
Laura says
The best love story ever! My four year old was a Nora. I can remember walking up and down our road sobbing when she was just a few days old because I didn’t know what to do for this child that just cried all of the time! Several weeks in I threw the books (and everyone else’s opinion) away and decided to simply love this crazy child that God had given me. When she was ten months old I sought help for anxiety and depression and I felt like I could breathe again. Reading this post I found myself almost knowing what you were going to say with each new paragraph, especially the part about the anxiety coming again. My second daughter was born a month before Nora and having been warned that PPD the first time could lead to worse PPD the second time I immediately went back on medication. I am thankful that there is something that can help! Thankfully #2 was completely opposite of #1 and I was a smarter, better mama for knowing that the only voice that really mattered where the ones living the reality in our home. When I saw the bed in the nursery I thought Go Mama Go! Sleep is essential – in whatever manner you are able to get it! Blessings to you Andrea!
susie says
What impresses me the most is that you still were able to blog everyday through all your emotions. You did say it was hard but I did not realize how bad it was… hopefully it will be better with your next one, but I am glad you are prepared because I remember being the most tired in my life when my second one was about 3 weeks old… more tired then when I had my 6th. Maybe by the 6th I was prepared and just stayed in bed if I was tired. Good luck and happy valentines day!
Adi says
This is exactly what I needed to hear today, thank you 🙂
Roxanne says
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It’s refreshing to see something so open and honest- people like to talk about only the ‘peaks’ of parenthood, but there are a lot of ‘valleys’ amidst all those high points. But the view from the top is totally worth it- this is why they make so many documentaries about people scaling Mt. Everest!
I think you and I have similar views on kids in general- I remember my pregnant self telling my husband (also a teacher and more the kid-person of the two of us) “I don’t even like kids- what if I don’t like our own?” However, I am fond of our 10-month-old… he managed to win me over 🙂
Mama Murrey says
Andrea, after surviving all that, wow–you could pretty much survive anything!
To care for a husband, a child, and a home and to run a business despite the huge weight of depression on top of you is a big feat. It takes a strong person to live with depression. (I should know–I had it for 20 years.)
Hoping and praying this next time around will be way, way smoother, and that parenting will never again be that hard for you.
Diane Higdon says
Thank you so much for being so open and honest. I completely understand! I, too, an not a “baby person,” or even a “little kid” person. The older my 3 kids got, the more I enjoyed being a mother and now that they are adults, I really enjoy my relationships with them. Dealing with babies and small children was extremely difficult and depressing and caused a lot of anxiety and fear, but … it was worth it. It was worth it to have these three wonderful adults in my life. Hang in there. I agree wholeheartedly on getting medication if you need it – I did. I will be sure to keep on praying for you as this new part of your journey unfolds. God will help you get through this.
Jacquie says
I am sorry to hear that you had to endure this for so long. Post partum depression and anxiety is so hard. It took me awhile to feel connected to my son and I remember feeling like there was something wrong with me. Thankfully it passed, but I am with you – if it happens again with this baby, I won’t hesitate to get help. I wish the best for you and your family!
Clara says
Thank you so much for this story… I’m not alone
Judy says
You go girl! I applaud your decision to do what is best for you, your baby and your family!!! No one else had to live your life and everyone who has an opinion isn’t there in the middle of the night or the middle of the day when it is all too much.
Allison says
Good for you for saying you are ok with medication and you don’t care what anyone else thinks! It’s voices like yours that let other women know its okay to not live in misery and depression.
Jodi says
Andrea, thank you for your candor. Prayers for you and your family!
Kim {Pinspired Home} says
Thank you for being so transparent and honest in this post, Andrea!
I for one did not go through depression and anxiety with my little boy, but I have friends who did, friends who considered taking their own lives or even their children’s lives. Postpartum Depression is a very real thing.
This post will help so many new moms and moms-to-be. May God bless you and your family as you welcome your little boy!
DeeDee says
Andrea, thank you so much for your consistent brutal honesty. You never sugar coat your life or pretend that everything is 100% perfect in your world; I appreciate that, I appreciate you. I never miss a blog post and this may sound silly, but I feel like you are a friend! You are amazing. Never stop being yourself, friend.
DeeDee
Pamela says
This is probably my all-time favorite post! And it’s not even about organizing! 🙂
You rock, Andrea, as a REAL blogger and a REAL mom. Thanks for being exactly who you are.
I am due with #3 in 8 weeks and am so scared of the feelings of overwhelm that will likely come. The newborn stage is not my favorite either, and OH THE PAIN OF NURSING. It’s been horrible in the past and I really am not expecting any better this time around, but…..I’ll do the best I can before I throw in the towel. 🙂
Love, hugs, and prayers from one mom to another.
Crystal H says
I have tears in my eyes from knowing a lot of the feelings you described. The only thing I am going to say is Happy Valentine’s Day Andrea and Nora!!
Sarah says
Andrea-What a beautiful post! I was just talking with a friend yesterday about all of this, and I have with many other moms as well. I know we’ve talked about it also.
I feel like we ALL think we are the only ones that think irrational things and have anxious thoughts but most of us moms have! I’ve asked friends from playgroups etc. and we have all laughed/cried about it, except maybe the smallest minority haven’t experienced it.
Anyway, every time I would walk down the stairs I would picture myself tripping and the baby falling out of my arms. Every time (I still do this!) I cross a big bridge with a fast moving river next to my house, I think “How would I get all the kids out if someone hit my car and it skidded off?” I can go on and on and on. Last night I had a terrible dream about my youngest drowning in the ocean on vacation! I woke up and worked had to clear my mind because it was terrifying-I couldn’t find her in the frothy waters. Usually it’s the first year that I dwell the most on the what ifs and the feelings of being overwhelmed-overwhelmed with love, and responsibility. I’ve had these thoughts will all six.
Honestly, I think WE are normal. I DO! I think we are normal for feeling like this-it’s certainly not pleasant and I’d love to think honky-dory thoughts all the time, but I think it’s nature-our deep animal-like instincts-being aware of dangers, processing them in our heads. We are keeping an entire human ALIVE, in every aspect…feeding them, keeping them safe, clothing them, etc. Our bodies and brains KNOW this…just like animals with their young…we have heightened awareness of dangers lurking everywhere. Our brains have to process the what-ifs.
To me, it shows that we’ve bonded deeply with our babies. We are fully aware of the responsibility. On top of that, add the sleeplessness which wreaks havoc on our brains. I’ve always felt the first year of each of my babies lives were a total blur. You’ve had a tough first baby sleep-wise for sure….and my last 3 were fussy babies, and the first year is PURE survival mode. We are given these messages and images of the way the first year is supposed to look which I think is total bull shit, honestly. The first year brings me to my knees-physically, emotionally, mentally. It “remakes” us.
I know this sounds silly Andrea, but over the course of having six, I learned to cope. I learned to try as hard as I could to do some “self-talk”. My sister who isn’t a mom but dealt with anxiety taught me some mechanisms of blocking those thoughts quickly before they had a chance to build. And I would have rolled my eyes at this not too long ago, but honestly, I pray. I have fallen asleep many a night saying Hail Mary’s-the repetition calms me. I also can recognize that it dissipates over time and my head will feel clearer over time. Just knowing that I wasn’t the only one-that I was in the majority!-made me breathe a sigh of relief and I stopped feeling guilty/worried about feeling anxious.
The fact that you feel anxiety about having another-it’s because you know it’s “big work”.
You are a great mom Andrea, to that sweet Nora, and you will be to your little guy also. It is brave of you to write your personal stories, and you help so many moms when you share.
Elizabeth says
Thanks Adrea! I can’t even say how I feel after reading your post today….or maybe yes…I feel that I am not alone. After 14 years of being a mom, I still get those overwhelming feelings from time to time, and I don’t like them at all. One day at time, one minute at time, that’s may motto, and by the Grace of God you’ll be at peace in your mind and your heart. God bless you.
Elizabeth
Michelle Hoekstra says
Oh, Andrea, I so understand you in this post! My third child was EXACTLY like Nora (and he is 3 now!) Having a high-maintenance baby was the hardest thing I ever had to do, and I also spent a lot of nights crying with him in my arms! Now my son is a bubbly (mostly) happy 3 year-old who keeps us laughing with his antics. He still doesn’t sleep much, but at least he sleeps through the night. He also hates loud noises, but he can communicate with us, and we have taught him to tell us if something is too loud and to cover his ears. 🙂
Thank you for having the courage to share your story with us. And I will pray your son will be less-maintenance for you, and if he isn’t, that you will have the strength to endure. Enjoy those hugs & kisses! They are the best!
Kathleen says
Andrea, I think this is my very favorite of all your wonderful posts. I can so relate! I always wanted to be a mom but never was the baby type either. My first year of motherhood was so very, very hard. As an older mom, I blamed myself for waiting “too long”–now I know I was only putting more pressure and Mommy guilt on myself. When baby #2 arrived 2 yrs later, I gave it a shot without medication–but, like you, I was not going to allow myself to lose another year to anxiety and depression. I went on medication a few weeks after my youngest was born and I have never regretted it. I have so many fond memories of my days with a toddler and an infant. Only you know what it best for you and your family. Your children are blessed to have you for their mother. Thank you for sharing your story–all these years later, it really helped me to read it. God bless you and your (growing) family!
Lydia @ Five4FiveMeals.com says
Bless your heart. But good for you for putting it out there, that in itself is cathartic.
Becky says
This was beautiful! I can so totally relate. Absolutely beautiful. Happy Valentines Day!
Jacqueline says
When I brought home my second child I really struggled with the feeling that I was somehow betraying my first child. I cried whenever i had to pass my first to my husband because my second needed me. I was worried that my first child would feel left out, unloved, or replaced. I had literally held my first baby 23 hours a day( minus shower and dressing time) I didn’t get ANYTHING else done for the first nine months after he was born. I loved them both and I knew it was a gift for my children to have each other but it took me awhile to get used to sharing my time. But eventually I got over it, and they loved having each other. When I finally brought my third one home it was a lot easier, I didn’t have any of those bad feelings.
Julia says
Hands down my favorite post of yours ever. Any mom with a ‘difficult’ child can relate to the anxiety but also to the joy that comes when the clouds part (so to speak) and you can finally see your child and love them for ALL of who they are.
Debby says
Oh Andrea, you made me cry. Why we are still in the stone age about post partum depression is beyond me. My girlfriend suffered in silence terribly. My issue was nursing. My first baby wasn’t good at it which in turn made me nervous, which didn’t help either of us. But oh the guilt from others if I even murmurred that I wanted to quit and use a bottle. Well the second baby, I was under a lot of stress with a newborn and a toddler under one who was insanely jealous. I nursed 5 weeks, my husband left me for a guy ski weekend. When he returned, I said guess what? I am done nursing and every other night you are getting up with this baby. So I knew that every other night I was going to get at least 6 hours of sleep. Oh the naysayers. She’ll have more allergies, IQ, etc. Well guess what? That girl was hardly ever sick, has an IQ over 120. You do what you need to do to survive. I just have a feeling this little boy of yours is going to be the easiest going person that you have ever met. Those feelings of guilt and wondering if I am doing everything right still plague me and my girls are 16 and 17. You are doing great and thanks for being brave enough to say it out loud and share with others. Happy Valentines Day
Jenny says
Andrea, thank you somuch for posting this. Honestly, as a mom to five, i can totally relate. I think it is normal to have thoughts about bad things happeneing. But not if it totally takes over. And this is the stuff no one ever talks about, the hard stuff. My fourth and our first son, also has Sensory Disorder and I will be honest and say he has been our hardest. he will turn 5 next month and it is getting eaiser. However, I have followed your blog for years and kind of had you on a pedastil thinking your had it all. I think the blogging world does that, since we only see glimpes of your life. I had to be on medicine after my fourth as well, I was having severe anxiety also. I was ashamed at first. But got over it, i felt so much better. There is no shame in need a little help. After a baby your body can get so off balance, that you just need a little help some times. Good for you for posting this. So glad you realize that you don’t have to feel that way again. That you have a plan in place if you do. Good luck!
Alicia says
Thank you for being one of the most honest blog writers I have found so far. . I love reading your posts. I went through post possum anxiety and worry with my first, second, third, and fourth. . I don’t call it depression because I was happy, just anxious and worried about everything. I thought many times, what if I can’t care for the baby, what if I’m a complete failure as a mom andall while trying to care for the baby, or think I’m caring for the baby, I felt like I was a horrible wife. I made a mistake though.I never shared my deep secret of having ask those fears because my mother never had them. I was always told there would be instant bond and complete love and understanding for the baby. I was told that nursing would be fun and natural. Um,.nothing was Paine free and natural about it. But I eventually got it. About the time my first was 1, but we got there.
With my younger 3 it got better. Yes with each I still experienced anxiety and exhaustion, but each time I knew that I couldn’t do it, but God through me could. . I also knew did things my way and not mama perfects way.
My youngest is now almost 3 and I can honestly say I don’t miss the infant stage. . I love that wecan up and go places as a family. We homeschool, we play sports, we play games, and I can even sleep in while my oldest fixes cereal and the kids get dressed.
I pray your next experience will be better, but if not I pray you will have the strength to get through. Thank you for being a strong woman. I look forward to pictures and reading about your journey with two children. It will be your new adventure!
Lucy says
Bravo! Thank you for your honesty, how refreshing instead of the guilt inducing picture perfect versions of motherhood we are expected to live up to on a daily basis. I am exactly like you, found the tiny baby phase utterly overwhelming and anxiety ridden and eventually I succumbed to depression and spent two years recovering. My daughter is now 10, she has sensory processing challenges and may well be high functioning autistic but the joy of her! We have our moments just like everyone else but I have changed and grown as a human being and my capacity to love and understand my beautiful daughter knows no boundaries. I have had to fight battles for her because lots of people don’t understand her needs, I have had to plough to the very depths of myself to mine vast caverns of patience that most parents don’t need to. Would I change anything? Absolutely not! I feel thoroughly blessed to have such a unique, interesting and sensitive child. Happy Valentines day Andrea Dekker you have my respect and admiration. No matter what, Love is ultimately the strongest force in the universe
Kathy says
I have two kids Nd going from a couple to your first child is a huge culture shock because no amount of books can prepare you for a crying baby that can’t communicate with you and the sleepless nights. It’s survival mode. Clearly you had post natal depression which you needed medication for because it is more common that not with all those hormones going around your system and you have just created a human being. I’m sad for you that your doctor didn’t pick up on this but from the sounds of things you wanted to show the outside world that you aphid it together. Also being a super organised capable person the whole idea that things weren’t as easy as saying I’m going to put her to bed and it working like other things you set your mind to. The first baby is very hard and then the next baby even though you are going to be doing the same things at least you have had a rehearsal so you know what to expect. Getting expert medical advice and being open and honest with those professionals will help you this next time around as you should not have to deal with those thoughts on your own. Get the medical help to get you through until your hormones settle back down again and you will enjoy it so much more for those 2 reasons. I wish you all the best and take care of yourself. Regards Kathy A, Brisbane, Australia
Jen says
Andrea, this is an incredibly relatable post. Thank you for sharing it, and while we the readers are really strangers who don’t get any say—I think I speak for the vast majority of us when I say that you have our total support and encouragement in whatever path you take to keep yourself healthy. This stuff is HARD.
It took me seven years to decide to have one more child after my first, because I felt like I simply could not do that again, despite the fact hat it was, of course, totally worth it in the end. I have never felt baby fever in my life. In fact, having a second child was extremely academic for me and was never driven by “baby fever” or “biological clocks” or whatever. I never enjoyed babysitting, I never went gaga over babies…and then I met my own, and my heart was gone. But it was still the hardest thing I ever did, and I’m very glad my husband has taken care to ensure that number two was our last. Ahem. 🙂
Michele Daggar says
Oh Andrea! Your story is SO similar to mine. I worried about the same things, felt like nothing would ever be “ok” again.
I did get some therapy (a doctor and some meds!) It’s so hard when every one else seems to be so in love with babies and motherhood and you’re anxious about every decision. I remember being happy to have someone come over to see the baby so I could escape for a few minutes to do “something I knew how to do” like laundry or the dishes.
My babies are now teenagers and now of course I miss the baby days. I always worried if somehow my anxiety when they were babies would cause harm (not physically; emotionally) to them. I’m glad to say I think we all made it through the best we could, my kids still like to be with me! It will be a lot easier when Nora and her brother can actually enjoy things with you.
Sorry for rambling, but you brought tears to my eyes and I wanted you to know I’ll say a prayer for your adorable family. Happy Valentine’s Day!
Holly says
Great story Andrea. I am expecting my third child in about two weeks, and for the third time I will be taking an increased dose of medication. I love my children immensely, and I am a good mom, but like you I just couldn’t get past the anxiety and fear. I’d lie in bed shaking with fear after I brought my first home… How could I possibly sleep with such a huge new responsibility?? What if this? What if that?
So many of us are right there with you, and will continue to be!! Take care of yourself, mama. Proud of you!
Ann says
Do not hesitate to take medication if the anxiety returns! I had terrible PPD after my 2nd baby and fought through it without medicine. It was terrible. Just terrible. When I started to feel that way after my 3rd (and last!) baby, I asked for anti-depressants and it was so very worth it. My hubby was always against it and I knew he thought i was “weak” for choosing that path. BUT his mind was changed when he saw the difference in me! It was absolutely worth it. And necessary for my other children’s happiness as well as my own! I wish you the best and appreciate your honesty in this post!
Paulette Smith says
Oh, Andrea. To think how you trudged on all that time with that kind of anxiety and fear and your child being so super sensitive! My heart goes out to you. People have opinions galore, but it’s easy to judge when we haven’t walked in someone else’s shoes. You’re definitely on the right track…you know from first-hand experience what is best for you and your family. One thing is for sure…when we go through that kind of difficulty, we are forever changed. Motherhood will definitely teach us about unconditional love!
Shan says
What a great post! Tears in my coffee! Thank you for being so real and vulnerable to share your story.Best wishes to you as you await your baby boy!
Ann says
Recognition is the first step! People who have not gone through it cannot fathom how we could not recognize that we were in trouble. My husband knew that things weren’t “right” but he didn’t realize how bad they were or he would have forced me to get help sooner than I did.
Medication has helped me SO much. I cried in the doctor’s office when he suggested weaning myself off it. Then he told me I can take it forever if I need to. I am now on such a minimal dose that it is often questioned when I refill it. When the tears, anxiety and inability to cope with daily routines flare up again, I can increase my dose temporarily.
I’m proud for you for seeking help so “quickly”. I waited until my 4 children were all in elementary school and I regret their early years that I “wasted” as an ineffective parent who was paralyzed by fear, anxiety, and emotion.
Stacey says
Have you talked to your dr about possibly starting something before the baby is born? Ive heard that they will in cases where there is a history, start it up beforehand so that it kicks in by the time the baby is born to help out with post partum depression. This would’ve been super helpful to me to know before my 2nd was born, lol. That was not a fun couple of weeks. Im sorry you went through all of that. Those feelings are the worst.
Stacy says
Andrea,
Thank you for your honesty & transparency! I have an almost 1 year old and have felt many of the same fears & anxieties as you. But the overwhelming love I feel for her makes it worth it! I totally agree that if we are blessed with another baby, I will get help with medication, counseling, whatever it takes to not feel like I did this time. I won’t listen to others as much either, but instead to myself.
Praying for you as you embark on the journey with 2 children. I know you’ll be fine!
Happy Valentine’s Day from a mommy friend!
Organize 365 says
So well said.
With 14 years under my belt I can say I have been there too. The funny thing is SO many moms feel this way. SO many kiddos are sick and sensitive – beyond “normal”.
Parenting today often involves doctors, medicines, therapies and special schools that didn’t even exist years ago. Each generation has its markers and unfortunately our generation has lots of anxiety and “sick” children.
Its even more important today than every to trust your mommy gut and just do what’s best for your family. Even the doctors do not have a fully picture and treatments are so varied.
Thanks for sharing for all us moms out there who aren’t walking the “typical” parenting road.
🙂
Lisa
Ann says
AMEN!