Before Nora was born, I was frequently informed that my days of a clean and organized home were limited, because after my new baby arrived, I would have no more time for cleaning, organizing, or caring for our home.
I even heard (on numerous occasions) phrases like:
“I can’t wait to see your house after your baby is born — I bet it will be a disaster.”
“Just wait. After your baby is born, you’ll understand why our house is so messy and disorganized.”
So, after Nora was born, I gave myself permission to have a messier home if necessary… but I found that it was actually quite easy to keep up with housework — even though Nora rarely ever took naps and was an extremely fussy, high-needs baby.
Although having a baby IS completely life-changing, within a month or two, I had developed a very basic cleaning method that allowed me to quickly clean all the areas of our home, just a few minutes at a time.
No, our house wasn’t spotless (that’s never my goal), and I didn’t spend every waking moment worrying about cleaning and organizing (you all know how busy I am with other things). However, our house was always clean ENOUGH for us to feel comfortable.
So I figured the rude comments and sarcastic remarks would stop — however, THEN I started getting comments like:
“My house is messy but at least my children are happy.”
“I have my priorities straight — and my children come before housework.”
Really?
Are you kidding me!
Now they’re implying that Nora is somehow less happy or less loved simply because my home is relatively clean and organized?
Give me a break!
Nora is always loved, but she is not always happy. However, I can guarantee that if she’s not happy, it’s certainly NOT a result of me taking 15 minutes out of my day to run the vacuum, make the bed, and fold a load of laundry.
It’s usually because she can’t have another cookie, or it’s raining and she can’t go outside, or I took a rock out of her mouth, or she got in trouble after climbing up on the kitchen table… again.
Nora’s happiness has nothing to do with how clean or messy our home is.
.
I’m assuming you’ve all seen photos like this floating around Facebook and Pinterest.
PLEASE don’t buy into this nonsense.
Yes, I understand the idea behind these photos and phrases — that good moms make time for their kids and don’t stress out about smaller, less important things like household chores.
However…
Being a “good mom” (as if there’s even a way to actually define what makes a good mom) has NOTHING to do with how clean or messy her house is. Nothing!
In my opinion, being a “good mom” means loving your children, doing hard things when you really don’t feel like doing them, doing the best you can, learning from your mistakes, and then waking up the next day to do it all over again.
If I’m not mistaken, we can do all of these things with either a clean or messy home — they are NOT connected in any way.
A messy home in no way determines the “goodness” of your mothering abilities or the happiness of your children.
.
You all know how busy I am — I work more than full-time hours (Dave does too during the school year), we have a huge list of home/yard projects, we’re both involved in school, church, and community, we spend lots of time with friends and family… and we’re still able to maintain a relatively clean and organized home each day. But that’s because cleanliness and organization are important to both of us.
However, if cleanliness and organization are not at the top of your to-do list, that’s fine… honestly!
While I personally prefer clean over messy, this preference in no way determines the quality of my mothering abilities — and it doesn’t determine yours either!
You can be a good mother with happy children AND a clean home.
I promise!
However, you can also be a fabulous mother with happy children and a messy house 🙂
.
So do me a favor — the next time you see those silly quotes and photos pop up on Facebook and Pinterest, don’t “like” them, don’t “share” them, don’t “re-pin” them, and don’t say anything like this to another mom.
These phrases are sending negative messages to women and moms, especially new moms — none of us need any more negativity.
And honestly, if we’re going to say that being messy and neglecting our house work somehow makes us better mothers, then why don’t we “like” and “share” and “pin” this message…
Doesn’t that just sound ridiculous — as if the state of a garage or a car or a lawn could determine how good of a father some guy is!
.
If you want to like, share, or pin something – how about this:
OK, I’m climbing down off my soapbox and will be back to regular programming tomorrow!
UPDATE: I did a follow up to this post… here 🙂
Trisha says
Andrea,
I have followed your page for almost a year now and would like to say. Kuddos to this post!
i raised two wonderful boys, who are grown and parents themselves now and help raise a grandson. i never thought my house was clean enough for my standards but was and still get asked how i keep a clean house and have happy kids. it all boils down to liking what you do, i enjoyed cleaning my tub because it meant my kids could take a bath with no extra germs other then the ones on them from playing. I enjoyed making sure their clothes were clean because it gave them an independence of getting dressed with out my help and not needed to track me down for their favorite shirt. and i also found that when the clothes were done and the floors had been picked up from clutter. i actually had more quality time with my boys because my mind was not racing with thoughts of “i still need to do laundry before this happens or i have a mess in the kitchen that needs attention” i was able to just concentrate on just being with my boys. i went to sleep and slept a little calmer because i didn’t have the mad races going on of all the things i wanted to do but didn’t and it made the next day start on a smoother note. again Kuddos, i couldn’t have said it any better…..you can have a clean house and happy children if it’s something you really want for yourself and your family.
Katie @ I Stay Home For This says
Bravo. My 15 minutes here and there throughout the day make me a better mom. I need those little sanity breaks to keep my mind where it needs to be – on being a loving mother. It also helps to keep my house in good order which makes everyone happy.
Becca says
I was JUST thinking about these same things the other day…and you put it into words so well! Thank you!
Kim says
A couple of years ago, the girls and I went to visit a friend and her kids, for an afternoon. My friend is a little on the “messy side”. I didn’t say anything to my girls. However, when we got home, my girls told me “thanks” for taking care of our home. They told me they couldn’t live in a messy house like the one we were just at. I don’t keep a “perfect” home, and I have no idea when I last cleaned the windows, but I try to keep it organized and “de-cluttered”. It amazed me what an impact it had on my own children.
Also, did you get a new dining table? What did you do with your old one? I want it!
Andrea says
Dave has also mentioned (several times) how he’s SO glad we keep our house relatively clean and organized.
And as for the table, we’ve had this one since we renovated our kitchen last fall. The other farm table is our out-building… not for sale yet 🙂
Emily says
Wonderfully written!! Thank you! 🙂
Lisa the Farm Lady says
AMEN!!!! you said it, Andrea! I think there’s some people that have indeed missed the point of your post. Right at the beginning you said it was never your goal to maintain a SPOTLESS house. The way you keep everything organized and comfortably lived-in, to me, is a great way of living your life and being an excellent parent.
Oh, and the gal who mentioned homeschooling her kids plus having extra kids over is indeed missing the point. I don’t know how she ever managed, but a girlfriend of mine homeschooled all SIX of her kids and the whole family is involved in church and community, and her house was always tidy. I’m sure there was dust or whatever that company did not see, but the home was comfortably lived-in, like yours. My girlfriend is an amazing Mom to her children and is never too busy cleaning to spend time with each and every one of her kids. I think she’s been able to balance things out between being organized and tidy, like yourself, and that, in my opinion, is what does the trick.
Another woman I used to know had 7 kids and her house looked like a cyclone went through it. She used to quote a lot of those sayings you mentioned in your post about how her kids are happier since she “spends time with them.” Well, she spent pretty much all day talking on the phone. Yep, she was home all day, but little housework ever got done.
So it is all about choosing to be organized and tidy without being anal about it.
And you, Andrea, have hit that one out of the park!
Thank you for your post today. 🙂
Katie says
LOVE THIS. Very wise and well put. Thanks 🙂
joy says
after reading your blog for a little while now, my hypothesis is that because you have good routines, it was easy for you to get right back into a mostly clean/organized home. i hope that made sense. loved your post a few months back about simplifying family schedules with tradition. The more i work to develop and maintain good routines, the easier running my household becomes…. I have also been learning about how my outright laziness contributes to the chaos in my home. I can’t blame the mess or disorganization on the work schedules, the kids, or anything else when I sit my couch watching TV. thanks for sharing your soapbox!
Tara says
Thank you Joy. Every time I read Andrea saying how simple it was for her to pick back up her cleaning routine after having a baby I have had a moment of disbelief and wondered why it wasn’t that simple for me!
Your hypothesis has laid my mind to rest. It’s all about how your pre-baby routine worked for you. And if you, ahem, maybe sorta didn’t have a routine pre-baby I suppose you can’t expect it to come right on back to you after adding a baby to the chaos! LOL
I am working to find routines, and it’s definitely getting easier now that I’m on baby #2, but I’ll admit in my house and the way I function, it’s often VERY true that having happy kids equates with sticky floors, laundry piles, sink full of dishes etc. Because of my husband’s preferences and love language, I’d say a happy husband also has those things at our house. And you know, at this season of my life, I’m really striving to just be ok with that and bask in the moments when I exceed it all and have a clean house to boot!
Siobhan says
So true! Everyone is different. I’m personally very irritable when my house is a disorganized mess. Clean & organized home = a more peaceful, happy mom in my house 🙂
Tara says
Before I had a baby I was one of those that thought to myself “when I stay at home with my kids I will exercise every day, cook all 3 meals, have a spotless and organized home, read the bible daily, be tan and be the best mom ever!” Boy did I have an awakening when I gave birth! I really really struggle with doing anything but tending to my 5 month old – doing my extremely part time church work and watching my 4 month old niece. Me and my house has never been more icky. Lol. I know I can squeeze times in during the day. But I struggle with “just doing it”!
I hope very very soon I can get my act together and get a great system! 🙂
I love this post! And it inspires me that I can have ackean home and do all that I’m doing. It is possible!
Andrea says
Thanks Tara — I laughed when you included “be tan” at the end of your list 🙂 So funny!
It sounds like you do have a lot on your plate so don’t be too hard on yourself. Everyone’s adjustment period after a new baby is different. It took me a LONG time to get back to “normal” after Nora was born — it just so happens that cleaning is something I really enjoy so I tried hard to make a little time for that because it made me feel better. As for everything else on your list, I was a total slacker (definitely without a tan!)
Rebecca says
Oh Tara–don’t be too hard on yourself! I remember thinking I should be able to have it all together when my son was 6 weeks old. I tried to get him and I ready for church one day and I had a major breakdown in the middle of the service and had to go hide in the nursing room so people wouldn’t see me cry. All because I was stressed about getting us to church and looking cute, and then my husband asked if he could invite a friend over to watch something and I was like “A friend?! I barely even got clothes on today and you want company to come over?” Needless to say it was a slight over reaction, but I tell you this random story to let you know that it takes longer than you think to adjust! 5 months and watching a 4 month old, yeah…give yourself some grace. Just keep trying until you find what works but enjoy that sweet, squishy baby most of all!
Rebecca says
“I took a rock out of her mouth” — I cracked up when I read that because it is totally something i have to do with my 18 month old boy. And I consistently find myself trying to strike a balance between keeping the house clean so I don’t go crazy, but not obsessing that every time I clean a mess, another takes its place. My motto is do what I can, keep it relatively neat so I’m not embarrassed if people come over, but put my son first.
Andrea says
haha — yeah! Nora is actually to the point where she’ll come up to me, point to her mouth, and say “a rock”. Then she’ll try to get away from me before I can take it out of her mouth 🙂
Oh, and for your comment about “finding balance” — I usually wait to do any major cleaning until Nora is in bed for the night. That way, she’s not distracting me or waiting to mess everything back up again. We’re getting in the habit of picking up our toys before lunch and before dinner, but other than that, I wait to clean until she’s sleeping!
Melissa says
You are so right…happy children come from both messy and clean households. Unhappy kids come from both messy and clean households. They aren’t related. It’s funny because I don’t have kids and I’ve gotten snide remarks when I talk about having cleaned out a closet over the weekend from other people without kids at home who have said things like, “I know what’s important to me, and I’m spending my time with my elderly mom closets be damned.” Lol. So apparently that mindset of good moms have messy houses also carries over to mean that good adult children have messy houses. lol. What the heck do they have to do with eachother? I spend time with my family too and still make time to maintain a relatively tidy home.
Monica says
I agree with you to a point. Honestly there are just some people that have a hard time maintaining a clean house even if they don’t have kids! I think the post that has been going around about having sticky floors, messy houses, etc…is a breath of fresh air! I homeschooled my kids, and let me tell you, when you homeschool 3 kids, plus have 2 little ones underfoot, it is HARD to maintain a clean house at all times! I was able to do it when I had 1 little on, but add a few more, then add homeschooling and then we’ll see. Now I’m not saying you can’t have a picked up house, I’m just saying either the house suffers or the kids education suffers. I know very few homeschooling families that have beautifully cleaned homes.
My mom had 4 kids that all went to school and her house was immaculate. But you know what? We suffered for it. We weren’t allowed to let our creativity flow because she didn’t want a messy house. We suffered because my mom never had time to do things with us…she was too busy cleaning house! Then, when we were a little older, we were all given chores (as an 8 year old, it was my responsibility to clean the whole basement–family room, bathroom, game room and my bedroom). We weren’t allowed to play until all the chores were done on Saturday morning. While I agree that children should have chores, they shouldn’t be chores that most grown ups don’t even do! All I remember about my mom while growing up was that she was always cleaning house.
My kids were not given regular chores except to clean their own rooms and the bathroom they shared. Then when it was time to clean house, I gave them all jobs to do. My house was not immaculate and sometimes it was messy as all get out, but do you know what my kids remember most about growing up now that they are older? That mom was there for them. That we did things together. That I did arts and crafts with them. That I took time to make homemade bread and cookies. That we painted, and read and snuggled together. That we put on music and danced around the house. That I made costumes for them so they could be princesses, medieval ladies-in-waiting, and Laura Ingalls Wilder.
Please don’t put such high expectations on women to maintain clean homes! Some people are very good at it, some are not. A clean house does not make you a better woman, mother or person. A dirty house does not make you a bad mother, woman or person either. What matters most is that we have time for our children and if keeping a clean house takes time away from our children, then in my opinion, it’s not worth it.
Andrea says
Monica, I feel like you unfortunately missed the entire point of this post — that we should NOT judge others based on how clean or messy their homes are. Yes, your kids are happy because you were there for them, NOT because you had a messy house. The reason you had a messy house is simply because you don’t love house work… and that’s fine. It’s also completely fine if there are other women who DO like housework and CHOOSE to have a cleaner home.
In this post, I explicitly said: “You can be a good mother with happy children AND a clean home. However, you can also be a fabulous mother with happy children and a messy house.”
The only point I’m trying to make in this post is that the state of a person’s house has nothing to do with how happy or unhappy their children are.
I definitely do not think we should pressure all women into keeping perfect homes — I don’t even try to keep our home perfect and I love to clean. However, I also don’t think we should shame women who enjoy cleaning and organizing by making them feel like bad mothers because they must be neglecting their kids in order to clean all day. I spend a few minutes here and there picking up, and Dave helps me a lot too. I guarantee Nora does not suffer in the slightest from our house being clean — just like your children didn’t suffer at all from your house being a little messier.
Hope this makes sense and clears up any confusion you may have had about the message I was trying to portray in this post.
Rebecca says
Monica–I think you are right that wanting a clean home to the point of kids being afraid to make a mess is not good or healthy. Life happens and it should happen most easily and freely inside the home. However, I do think you have to find a balance between keeping things clean and having fun. Also, I think everyone has a level of clean they are comfortable with and that’s more important than trying to clean like someone else. Andrea has a good point though that house cleaning and being a good parent aren’t the same thing.
Debbie says
Love this and thanks again for another wonderful post!
I think our homes reflect what is in our hearts or at least to a point. I also believe what comes out of our mouth reflects what is in our hearts too.
Such as all the bitter people who judge one another by how successful a person is. ( jealous perhaps?) Some people need to clean out their hearts just as much as their homes. 😉
Mama Murrey says
And the more I have cleaned up my heart, the tidier and more organized my house has become. It’s much easier to take care of my house with the junk out of my heart.
I feel distracted, confused, and irritable when my house is trashed. I can be a much better mom when my house is picked up because then I can focus on my son, feeding him well, giving him constructive things to do, taking time to read a story.
For me, clean house = happier mom = happier family.
Lisa the Farm Lady says
Excellent point, Mama Murray!
Bonnie says
I think we need to be more kind and encouraging to one another as mothers. Everyone has their own load to bear. I like having a clean and organized home. When my children were very small I had a hard time cleaning as often as I would like but I did keep it picked up. Other moms were critical of this, but I have a daughter with Down syndrome and health problems and a son with autism. It has gotten easier as they’ve gotten older. Sometimes it’s still a challenge though when the unexpected comes up.
Amy says
Amen sister! I couldn’t have said it better. I am a type A personality and have always enjoyed keeping (not to mention thriving!) in a clean and organized house. When my son was born I wanted to continue having a safe (no clutter or piles of items to fall down on him) and clean home for him to grow up in. Now, not only do I have my 7 year old son (and husband) at home, but I also provide care for 3 other little ones. The families I work with have all complimented me and commented on the fact that it makes them feel so good to be bringing their children to a home that is well taken care of. They feel confident knowing that their children are in a clean, safe place and that helps them go about their day without worry. Now, does the house get messy as we play and discover? Of course! But it doesn’t stay that way. I work at teaching the children how to clean up and put their things away instilling in them how to be responsible and respect the things around them. (More complex cleaning I do when they have their nap time.) Also, by being organized I find it easier to find the time and supplies needed to engage in projects, games and other fun activities I want to do with the children. So, for me being tidy and organized actually helps me provide/create happiness and memories with the children I care for giving us the best of both worlds!!
wilma says
I completely agree with this post. Exactly the same thing happened to me. I feel odd and slightly upset when people infer that one cannot have happy kids if their house is clean and organized. Soooooo…you just inferred that my children are unhappy? Uh, thanks.
Paulette says
Well said, Andrea! I’ve found that these remarks are usually made by women who have difficulty with organization, or even self-discipline. I know it’s possible to focus only on a clean house. However, our culture today seems to equate “entertaining” our children 24-7 as the definition of love, and neglecting the still needed responsibilities of keeping our homes somewhat clean (germs and bacteria need to go), as uncluttered as possible (clutter is emotionally taxing…on children, too), and our day-to-day lives somewhat structured. Children NEED some structure. It makes them feel secure. They know what to expect.
And let me say also, I was a single working mother of four, I worked full time and there were times when my home was a complete wreck and times when it was well organized and clean. It can all be tied back to a willingness (or lack of) to do the hard things. What I say when I see those posts on Pinterest and Facebook? HOGWASH. I love your soapbox posts!
Julie Spady says
Great post Andrea! I’m 59 and my daughters are 24 and 21, still living at home. I LOVE a picked up house. Just makes ME feel happier. It’s not always that way, life gets in the way. I LOVE a clean home too, just makes ME feel happy! But its not always that way. Balance is what works for me. And accepting when things arent as I would like them. Aside from that, what I have learned over the last 24 years is: teach your kids to do for themselves. I was SO happy being a great mom, I did WAY TOO much for them. But I did that becuz I wanted to and it made ME happy. But now I’m noticing (since I’m breaking MY habit) my girls are having a hard time with the whole thinking and doing for THEMSELVES. Makes me think…
Kelly says
It’s like you took the words right out of my head! I’ve always been annoyed with those “messy house=happy kids=good mom” signs. I guess that means I’m a terrible mom because our house stays reasonably clean? And also my kids must not be happy because I teach them to be responsible for their things and pick up after themselves? The level of housework a person does is in no way related to their worth as a parent or a person. Agree with and love everything about this post!
kimberly says
I like a clean house. A lot. I’ve had to relax a bit simply to allow for the messes farmlife just adds to a house that five people are all in all the time. Running multiple businesses from our farmhouse adds to the stuff in different seasons, but I still think it is important to keep on trying and to teach my little ones to pick up after themselves.
~
People say the oddest things sometimes. I especially dislike when, at every stage since birthing the babies, people say, “Just you wait until they are ____ years old.”
I’m sorry, but just because you haven’t enjoyed every stage of your child’s development doesn’t mean I won’t. My standard response is just to say, “We’ll see. So far they just get better and better!”
Andrea says
Oh, I like this Kimberly. For me, the infant stage was really, really hard. I constantly felt like I was doing something wrong because everyone would always tell me to enjoy the infant stage because once they hit 18 months – 24 months, they would be naughty. Well, they were right, Nora is really naughty 🙂 but she’s also way WAY more fun than she was as an infant. I always had a hunch that I would enjoy the toddler stage more than the infant stage — I just wish I wouldn’t have let others make me feel bad for not enjoying the infant stage as much.
Chris says
Actually, the truth is good parents cannot always have happy kids, because you want to correct them (they won’t like it), you want to help them make good choices (they won’t always like it), etc., etc., (This really doesn’t have to do with cleaning lol)
Ann says
Great post! One of my friends said, “Anyone can write a book, but that doesn’t mean it’s true,
or even well thought out!”
Same applies for those comments on Facebook or remarks of (well-meaning) friends.
Deni says
You couldn’t have said it better, Andrea!!! It’s all about choices we make on a daily basis. Should we stay on the computer all day or organize a plan to balance out what’s important to do for the day…like kids needs, dinner, general housework, and leisure. I have two kids and have managed to keep a clean, tidy house from the time they were born. And boy does it make life a lot smoother! Sounds like some folks need to focus on their own lives instead of wasting precious time criticizing others. So yeah!, for the organized Moms 🙂
Deni says
Added thought…To me, it’s the same thing as people justifying their debt saying “everyone has it”, “you can’t take it with you”, “I deserve it”… They are all excuses for not being responsible!
Andrea says
So true — I never thought of it that way before.
Julia says
I agree completely! I do not yet have kids, so cannot relate to some of these specifically, but get so annoyed by over-generalizing and blanket statements, especially those floating around on social media sites. I also find it ironic…. people say their kids are ‘happy’ and their oven is dirty (and that’s ok!) yet they obviously spend hours on a social media site. If having a clean house was important, they could devote time to that, rather than pinning silly signs.
It seems to me people are ALL about making excuses and not taking the blame for their situation. Be it someone’s weight, behavior, house cleanliness, etc. If having a messy house bothers you (it definitely bothers me!) that means you take time after work to straighten up. You don’t come home and watch 4 hours of TV. As you always say, it’s *not* a matter of right and wrong. It’s a matter of what is important to you. If something is important, you will make time.
What’s funny is I have been saying a version of this to family members for YEARS and they just don’t get it. They also say things like ‘my house is messy but my kids are happy’ and as you can imagine, it drives me crazy. Thanks for the spot-on post. I imagine a lot of your readers are up on that soap box with you 🙂
Nuria says
Great post!!! Totally agree!!!
Jen says
I’m so glad you posted about this! 2 of my friends and I have been decluttering our homes (holding each other accountable) and its been MUCH easier to keep things clean on a daily basis. The result of that has been happier wives and mothers….which means happier children! I’m realizing that it doesn’t take much to keep up with housework as long as you don’t procrastinate 🙂
Andrea says
yay — good for you, and how fun that’s you’re doing it with a friend!
Jackie G. says
I LOVED reading this! I clean houses on occasion and this really hit home for me. Maybe it’s more personal opinion and some folks can tolerate more “stuff” sitting around than others, but it’s also (at least to me) about balance and respect. Teaching your children to keep up with their stuff and putting it away may be one of those “hard things” but it is also teaching them to respect and appreciate what they have. When they are out in the world, being invited over to a friend’s house, going to school, eventually getting a job, these behaviors will help them get along. The word “discipline” has gotten such a bad rap, only thought of as punishment but it also means training, self-control, a pattern of behavior. How can a parent expect their kids to clean up their room, put their clothes away, help out with the dishes, etc. if they don’t or won’t do it themselves.
Dang, I could go on and on, but I don’t think I’ve had enough caffeine yet…
Thank you for this awesome post! I think your little Nora is gonna be just fine 🙂
Organize 365 says
LOVE IT! Well said! I can tell you really chose every word in this post – and it is so true.
I love how you ended with the dad pin-able. Doesn’t that just bring it all into perspective? There is SO much pressure on moms to “do it all”.
Just don’t let anyone else decide what “all” you should be doing!
🙂
Lisa
Karen J says
There is a saying : “Those that can’t just talk about it and those that can, Do”. You are a “Can Do” woman and I applaud you. I wish I could do all you can.
Jennifer says
I think part of being a good parent is teaching our kids how to work and how to have order in their lives! My house rarely spotless, but it is generally clean and my boys (ages 11, 9 and 6) all know how to clean the bathroom, do laundry, vacuum and do dishes. These are skills that they will use their entire lives and although they don’t really like cleaning now, I believe it will make them happier people in the long run. Now I will step down from my soap box too 🙂 Loved this post, by the way!
Andrea says
Thanks Jennifer — and just so you know, our house is NEVER spotless either, just clean enough 🙂 If a house is actually lived in, I don’t believe it could ever be spotless!
Marie says
While my house is not spic and span clean it is tidy, neat and organized. Dishes done everyday, sometimes three times a day, laundry done to where its not overflowing, things in their place, etc. I really think some of these things are just in your dna so to speak. I have always, always had to have the dishes done before going to bed, bed made after waking up, everything in its place. Some people have even referred to me as anal when it comes to certain things. But it is just me. I guess just as the people who will say their house is whatever but there children are happy. I don’t go down that road or subscribe to that thinking. But everyone has their own way.
Tragic Sandwich says
Mr. Sandwich and I have said things like, “Our house is messy, but our family is full of love.” But we NEVER mean it as criticism of people who have better organizational skills and practices then we do. We mean, “At least we got the second part right.” We’re actually quite insecure about the first part.
Emily says
This is a really great post. Well done for calling out one of the (many) insiduous pressures put upon women that suggest a certain way is the ‘right’ way. Similar to this is the kind of posts that go round Facebook and the like saying that ‘curvy women are beautiful, who wants to be stick thin?’. I understand that a lot of these messages are a kind of push back against other pressures and ideals of how a woman should be – e.g. size zero, or have a perfect 1950s house – but the point is that ALL of these things are okay ways to be as a mother or a woman; being skinny doesn’t mean you have no sense of humour, not does being chubby mean you’re jolly; having a clean house doesn’t mean your children are unloved, and nor does having a messy house mean your kids are better off.
Out of interest, Andrea, do you consider yourself to be a feminist?
Andrea says
ha! Emily, I literally laughed out loud when I read your comment — or more like your last question!!
I don’t think I would consider myself a feminist, more like I just get really annoyed when others make hasty over-generalizations that obviously aren’t true. 🙂
Emily says
That’s a shame, because the argument you make here is essentially a feminist one – particularly pointing out that no one makes those silly sayings up about men having messy garages! Funny how those over-generalisations so often get made about women and their ability as mothers, but rarely does anyone pull that crap about men and fatherhood 😉 I kind of assumed you are a feminist (which is a positive thing in my book!) because you write like one. I hope your laugh out loud at my comment wasn’t a derogatory one.
Anyway, I enjoy your blog very much, particularly your positive attitude and no-nonsense approach to things 🙂
Katie says
I agree that a feminist is a positive thing – I was taught to believe that feminism is just choice rather than conforming to society’s ideals and stereotypes but a lot of people view feminism as something different entirely. I believe that is a real shame as people died and were tortured for wanting choice for women – force feeding which the suffragettes suffered was no picnic.
Andrea says
No Emily — It was definitely NOT a negative laugh. It was a really positive “laugh-out-loud” and it actually made my day — sorry if that didn’t come through in my first comment! I don’t consider being a “feminist” a negative thing… but even still, I I don’t think I would consider myself a feminist, at least not a hard core feminist. I suppose it does bother me that most of the over-generalizations are about women and not men. Who knows, maybe I have more “feminist” tendencies than I thought 🙂
Katie says
It is obvious in all your posts that your husband and you share the parenting of your daughter and the running of your home. Maybe your an “equalist”:)
Stephanie Depuy says
Well said. I have six kids and I can’t tell you how many times someone has come into my home and said, “wow, I thought your house would be a disaster with six kids.” Why do they assume my house can’t be clean and organized just because I have six kids? I also find those quotes going around on pinterest and Facebook offensive. They have also caused me to second guess my parenting skills. It’s hard enough being a parent without being judged all the time. Thank you for a great post.
Kim says
My house could be cleaner, but it’s generally picked up and not cluttered. The kids rooms can be a bit messy at times. Aren’t we as good parents, to model good behaviors, like picking up after yourself and cleaning up your own messes and taking care of our things?
Katie says
Ha Ha this is obviously your bug-bear. Mine is working mothers verses stay at home mothers. What I hate is people competing against each other. So what if you work and so what if you stay at home – every family is different and what works for one doesn’t for another.
Tidy / untidy – so what. My house is clean but not tidy – hey I’m doing a degree and prefer studying to housework. Quantum physics is so much more interesting than dishes!
Kimberley says
I have to agree with you on the SAHM vs. the Non-SAHM comment, Katie! My husband and I struggle with judgement all the time from strangers and from family about the way that we are doing things.
My husband is the stay at home dad while I work full time. He is attending school on a part time basis and plans to finish up his undergad degree next summer. The older generation in my family thinks that he should be working but what they aren’t understanding is that if he did work, it wouldn’t be enough to cover daycare (and even if it did, it wouldn’t be enough to contribute to the household at this point). This way of life works for us. We have enough money from my job to live frugally-happy.
Katie says
You have obviously found what is best for you and your family. The best of luck with it, especially with your husband getting his degree – v exciting.
Just annoys me so much that people think that it is okay to judge or give their opinion. All the SAHM v non-SAHM argument does is make non SAHM’s feel guilty and SAHM’s feel under-valued – GrrrH
Jes says
Absolutely agree…I started last year decluttering throughout the house (kids were 4 and 2) and I am definitely more at peace, leading to me being more at peace with the kids. The toys, crafts, etc. can still get out of control, but overall, having less stuff and more organized house has helped me keep my sanity (as preschoolers often can try and test this)! This was definitely more difficult when the kids were younger and wanted to be held all the time.
Some people don’t mind clutter and mess, and that’s fine for them. I know it’s human nature to judge and try and justify your own way of life. However, with social media, it’s hard not to ignore when these opinions are thrust into our screens, etc.
Thank you!
Jennifer says
I think so much of these kinds of comments really just stem from the personal experience of the person making the remark. Their house was really messy once they had children, so the advice they give is to expect that to happen. I do always suspect, too, that such remarks are usually motivated by an attempt to self-justify, implying that their unwanted messy house (which might make them feel inadequate or like a failure) is just an inevitability, and not their fault. ‘It’s just what happens to everyone.’
I’m newly married, and people sometimes talk about marriage in a similar way, saying things like, ‘Adjusting to married life can be really hard,’ or ‘I’m sure you’ll have a lot of communication issues to work out,’ or ‘It’ll probably feel like your personal space is being invaded’. I think these comments are meant well, hoping to prepare us for the difficulties we might face, but I suspect they stem from the negative experiences of the person making them. My husband and I haven’t experienced a lot of these particular problems to any great degree. And, you know what, sometimes I feel a little guilty that we haven’t…like we’re not doing it right somehow! Like if it’s too much fun or just fairly nice, we’re being disingenuous or ‘not facing our problems squarely’ or being avoidant or something like that. The negativity of other peoples’ advice and expectations sapped a little of the joy of our newlywed months. As if the fact that we were really enjoying marriage meant that we were doing it wrong!
It took me a while to realise that people just have different priorities and problems. I try to listen to advice remembering that a large part of it is personal and anecdotal: something was a problem for that person. That doesn’t mean it will be, or should be, a problem for me. (I’ll have my own problems!)
kate says
I fully agree and experience the same feelings (having been married only 6 months now).
Kellie says
Amen, Andrea! This is something so encouraging to parents-to-be (like myself) who are are already hearing these negative remarks from well-intentioned people. Glad to see I’m not the only one who agrees that kids’ happiness and the state of your home are “mutually exclusive.” Thanks for pointing this out like you always do – graciously.