Several months ago, I wrote a post entitled What’s Your ‘One Thing’? in which I went on to explain that MY ‘one thing’ is Organization — and even more than that, it’s Home Management… or Homemaking.
Anything to do with running and managing my home (and home life) is just about tops on my list of “favorite things to do”. Whether it’s cleaning, organizing, decorating, renovating, gardening, or even more mundane tasks like meal planning, budgeting, and scheduling… those activities bring me joy and fulfillment.
I’m certainly not saying that those are the ONLY activities I do or enjoy each day, or that I’m obsessed with keeping a spotlessly clean home and a perfectly weed-free garden, planning immaculate weekly meals, or purging every teeny tiny bit of clutter the minute I see it. I’m simply trying to explain that the reason I keep my home neat and organized, the reason I meal plan and budget, and the reason I spend hours gardening and renovating is because IT’S WHAT I WANT TO DO AND WHAT I ENJOY DOING.
I’m not doing these things to impress anyone or make anyone feel worse about the state of their own home. I’m not doing these things to make myself feel better than everyone else. I’m not doing these things to make a living (although I will admit, that is a nice byproduct!) And I’m certainly not doing these things because I have nothing better to do with my time.
I thoroughly enjoy running and managing my home and my family (yes, I totally understand if you think that’s crazy)… and since I really enjoy these tasks, they are very easy for me to want to do and to make the time to do.
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However, if I’m really honest, there have been plenty of times over the course of my life when I have felt embarrassed and/or ashamed of doing my ‘one thing’ well.
I can not tell you how many derogatory and sarcastic comments I’ve gotten (from others who obviously don’t share my homemaking and/or home management enthusiasm). I realize many of these comments are meant in jest, some come from simple misunderstanding, and others are just out of jealousy.
These comments truly do NOT bother me that much; however, I do think there is something to be said for the number of times we (yes, I do it too) inadvertently and/or purposely make others feel bad about themselves for doing something they love to do, just because it’s something different than what we love to do.
An example from several years ago:
Over the holiday season, I was part of a cookie exchange. This was before kids — so I had plenty of free time to bake, bake, bake! I made about 10 dozen relatively elaborate Christmas cookies and it did take me a lot of time — but I enjoyed every minute of it. I was so excited to bring my cookies to the exchange, until several women felt the need to make comments about how I clearly had way too much free time, and how I obviously didn’t have children yet, and how I was trying to “show the older ladies up”.
So, the next year, I was part of the same cookie exchange and decided to simply bake “normal” Christmas cookies as to not cause any commotion or make anyone upset (I saved the fancy ones for our family parties!) Well, wouldn’t you know, I got the third degree because I was “slacking off”, and “getting lazy”, and “finally learning what the real world was like”.
Needless to say, I did not attend that cookie exchange again 🙂
Another more recent example:
Someone who had never been to my house before stopped by just after lunch a few weeks ago — and I will admit, our house was very clean at the time. You see, we ALWAYS pick up everything before lunch, and then I clean up the kitchen while the kids are eating. So when she walked in, you can better believe I heard all about how clean and organized my house was and how she certainly wouldn’t have time to keep her house so clean because she spent all her extra time with her kids and with family (blah, blah, blah). Yes lady, I’ve heard it all before!
She had to stop back over a few days later — and it was at a different time of the day so we had plenty of toys and books sitting out as we were in the middle of playing. I thought certainly she would feel more comfortable knowing that my house does in fact get messy too — but instead, she got all sarcastic and had to loudly express how she couldn’t imagine “Andrea Dekker’s house having any amount of clutter sitting out”.
I was going to explain that toys we are currently playing with are not considered clutter in my home… but then I just figured there was nothing I could say to make her happy, so I just smiled (something I’ve gotten SO much better at since having kids!)
Obviously, in each of these situations, the people saying these ridiculous things were just acquaintances, not friends or family members — so like I mentioned above, I was in no way seriously bothered by them. However, they did help spark the idea for this post 🙂
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I hope that most of us wouldn’t be so blatantly rude to people we don’t even know that well… but at the same time, if we are honest, I have a feeling we all say little things here and there that have the potential to cause others to feel ashamed of the things they enjoy doing.
A few totally random examples:
- To the Health Nut: “You know… a little processed food won’t kill your kids.”
- To the Crafter: “It must be nice to have the time to work on crafts. It’s probably because your spouse is so much more helpful than mine.”
- To the Reader: “I’m not sure how you always find time to read. I just have too many other important things to waste time with my nose in a book.”
- To the Runner: “You’re insane for waking up so early JUST to run. Why are you so worried about what you look like?”
- To the Organizer: “You know… it’s just going to get messy again. Don’t you have anything better to do?
- To the Volunteer: “I would do more volunteer work, but my family always comes first and they need me more.”
- To the Super Mom: “My kids need to learn to entertain themselves as I won’t always be there to play with them.”
- To the Homeschooler: “I would go nuts if I spent all day, every day with my kids cooped up inside.”
- To the person who enjoys getting dressed up and looking nice: “I don’t know who you are trying to impress…”
And it doesn’t even need to be THAT obvious.
What about the times when we’ve simply said something like: “It must be nice to have so much free time… ” when that person might very well be as busy (or busier) than we are, and just choosing to spend his or her time on different activities than we would.
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As you can imagine, someone like me (with a love for cleaning, meal planning, budgeting, organization, etc.) hears quite a few of these types of comments on a very regular basis.
However, I know these comments are not exclusive to those of us who are clean and organized. I find that these comments often target anyone who is passionate about doing their ‘one thing’ really well.
If you’re REALLY into exercising, running marathons, eating healthy, being outside, etc… you WILL get comments.
If you’re REALLY into cooking and making everything from scratch, eating only organic unprocessed foods, restricting your intake of certain foods, and/or not letting your kids participate in school parties because of all the sugary foods… you WILL get comments.
If you are REALLY into crafts or decorating and always coming up with cute gift ideas, creative ways to decorate your home, or one-of-a-kind projects… you WILL get comments.
If you are REALLY involved in your church, school, and/or community and always looking for more ways to help out or be of service… you WILL get comments.
If you are REALLY good at coming up with fun activities and learning opportunities for your kids, taking them on field trips, and planning fun outings or projects… you WILL get comments.
I could go on and on, but I think you get the idea!
Those of us/you who are very passionate about something and work really hard towards reaching certain goals or living your lives a certain way will inevitably get somewhat rude or sarcastic comments from others with very different priorities, others who are jealous and wish they were more like you, or others who are just somewhat lazy and can’t comprehend why you would spend any amount of time and effort to go above and beyond.
However, you know and I know that when something is a passion, it doesn’t feel like any extra work or any extra hassle. We love doing those specific things… and we’re good at them too!
So what’s the point of this post?
For me, the point is two-fold.
On one hand, I’ve been trying hard not feel like I need to explain myself or excuse myself for doing MY ‘one thing’ really well. I just smile and nod when people made rude comments, or say “Thank you” when people give me a compliment.
On the other hand, I’ve been much more intentional about watching what I say to others. I KNOW I have made comments that could potentially make others feel ashamed of doing their ‘one thing’ really well… and although I’d like to think mine were all made in jest, I know they most certainly don’t always come off like that.
I guess I’d like to challenge you all to do the same.
Mary Landis says
Hi Andrea,
I’ve been reading your blog for a long while and love it! Good job! I especially loved this post and simply had to comment. I am one of those who love home management, organization, and much of what you wrote about in this post. Thanks for using your God-given talent to encourage us/me to not be ashamed of what we LOVE to do.
I am encouraged!
Mary Landis
Andrea says
Thanks Mary!
Diana says
This is such a good post! I remember being made to feel bad in school (by other kids) for getting good grades or knowing answers to questions. It didn’t make me quit trying hard to do well, but the teasing did cause me not to be proud of my work or want others to know that I got a good grade. (I know, kids think weird stuff 🙂 )
I recently saw this mental habit showing up in how I respond to compliments about my children. My son is 3 and he is already sounding out words and reading really well–his brain just works that way! (Seriously, all I did was read him alphabet books. He’s just really drawn to letters and numbers 🙂 ) When people mention that that’s pretty amazing, I find myself saying something like, “Well, but there’s plenty of other things he’s not that good at” which is SILLY! He’s my SON and I honestly think he’s pretty good at everything, so why do I want to say that?! I’m sure that my subconscious wants to make the other person feel better somehow, but seriously, I need to let HIM be good at his one thing (or multiple things, if he ends up being that kind of a person).
Does this even make sense? 🙂 I don’t personally have one thing I’m super good at, but I sure enjoy dabbling in a lot of things. I’m going to be mulling over this idea more, though, to see in what other areas this tendency might show up for me! 🙂
Andrea says
Diana, I definitely don’t think you need to excuse yours son’s “smartness” — however, I will admit that it IS amazing to be reading at 3 years old. Nora is the same age and no where close to to that 🙂
I do feel there is a fine line between being THAT parent who brags incessantly about their kids and the parent who graciously accepts compliments — and I don’t think you are anywhere near that line! I wouldn’t worry about coming off as THAT parent if I were you!
Diana says
[…begins to comment about the state of potty-training in this house, or getting himself dressed, or any number of other things where he’s right on par with average (or below)…then I catch myself doing exactly what I just commented about…oops!]
Well, thanks 🙂 My husband and I are both very visual learners, so I’m assuming he just inherited that trait, and maybe even a double dose of it. It sure is hilarious to be walking through the grocery store and have him holler out “fresh cut flowers!” because he saw it on a sign somewhere, though. He keeps me in stitches 🙂 Nora will be there soon and you will love it! She is such a little cutie and seems to have a really fun personality too 🙂
I just don’t want him to get the idea that doing things well is something to be ashamed of. If, when he’s complimented, I’m always brushing it off, he’d probably pick up on my attitude. I love the phrase “graciously accepts compliments”–that’s definitely what I’d like to be like!
Brenda says
As I get older, I am bothered less by these sorts of comments. I choose to make time to keep a relatively clean and organized home, I do a lot of home cooking, baking, and canning and I exercise regularly. All of these things tend to leave me open to the kinds of comments you mentioned.
T says
I’m reading Romans 14 today and it fits perfectly. I think the comparison & judgement come from insecurity. When we work within our gifting (Romans 12) and are secure in our decisions we can support and uplift others. It doesn’t matter at all what others are doing. I am to serve the Lord with all I do. “Therefore let us stop passing judgement on one another.” Let’s encourage on another in all our different gifts and callings.
Melanie says
Well said! I had never really thought about a person who spent a lot of time doing “x” as it being their ‘one thing.’ A great reminder to watch how my comments to others may be perceived, and to celebrate the uniqueness we have each been created with! And freeing to realize it’s OK that my one thing is not their one thing, and that is okay not to try to do EVERYTHING! Thank you!
Sage Hobbs says
This is SO, SO awesome. I’m new to your blog, and love your no-nonsense honesty. The authenticity is refreshing! And, your this blog spoke to me in watching my own words and truly honoring peoples’ varied strengths. Thank you!
Marci says
for me it’s not so much what I do well.. But I hate when people comment how I raise my kids. No I don’t give my kids juice plain and simple he’s 2 and 8 weeks.. They don’t need it.. For the most part I don’t care but when it’s my PARENTS who comment and I hVe to rept with “I’m sorry I thought I was their parent” that irks me.
Keep doing your thing and I will keep an eye out what I say now to other people 🙂
Susie says
The worst is when people ask to come over then start giving unsolicited advice on how I should run my house! Sometime I don’t want to have any company- just so I don’t have to listen to them! My problem is that I want a clean and organized house but would rather spend time excersing and gardening.
jacqueline poehlman says
I love this post so much. I don’t think I even have a “one thing” but I definitely relate to the “it must be nice to…” comments. We have all made different choices in our life, whether it’s to have kids, have more kids, not have kids, to work part time, work full time, or not at all. My philosophy is to “try” to say “You just don’t know.” You don’t know if the mom who is ignoring her kids and playing on her phone is working on a critical project, or if she’s communicating about a life-or-death situation. You don’t know if the stay-at-home mom has a reason she can’t work, or if the working-mom is in a financial crisis. And more importantly, it’s none of your business!
Keep doing your “one thing” well!
Patty@homemakersdaily.com says
This is a really excellent post. I try hard not to hurt people’s feelings but I might have said one or two of those things over the years. I like your strategy – don’t feel like you need to excuse yourself for your one thing (I’m a homemaker, too) and be more intentional about what you say. Great advice, Andrea. Thanks for sharing this.
Jeanine says
Great thoughts, Andrea! In the last several years, I’ve tried to be really careful about making comments out of jealousy, and also to let other people’s negative comments roll off my back. I know that I have said some things that I wish I hadn’t in retrospect, so I try to give others grace as well. We’re all a work in progress, and I’m thankful that God hasn’t finished with us yet!
I still have to laugh sometimes about the comment that I and all other homeschoolers get, which is “don’t you worry about their socialization?” The last time that someone said that to me was after all three of my sons had graduated homeschool and gone on to college and graduated from there as well. When I laughed off the comment, I was asked if they had been able to get jobs? Again, all I could do was laugh and say, “Yes, and I’m very grateful. Thanks for asking.”:)
Pascale says
I fully understand Andrea, but I never expected you to receive such comments because you’re such an inspiration to me. I always love reading your blog and your no-nonsense approach to doing things. I also love the fact that you enjoy being at home.
I’m at home because I’ve been ill for many years now. However, because I don’t look ill, people will ask me what I do for a living. When I don’t feel like saying that I’m ill and I simply say that I’m at home, I get all kinds of negative comments especially that we don’t have kids. I remember this older gentleman who was so kind and who simply said that being at home is a full time job even without kids. I so appreciated his kindness that I still remember it to this day.
Please continue to do your one thing and never feel less than somebody else for it.
You truly are an inspiration.
Thanks and God bless you.
Andrea says
Thanks Pascale — and sorry to hear about your illness. I’m sure the comments you get are hurtful.
As for my comments, they have gotten worse since I started my blog — but like I mentioned in my post, anyone who is very verbal and open about their passion usually seems to get more negativity directed at them out of jealousy. Obviously, I’m quite verbal about my love of cleaning and organization (it’s my job after all) so the comments come often, but thankfully, most of them are just from acquaintances or strangers, not true friends and family!
Pascale says
Thank you for taking the time to reply to my comment Andrea. I know you’re busy with 2 kids and one on the way. By the way, congratulations to you & your husband!
Yes, it is true that we get more criticized when we are more vocal about our passion. It’s good that you’ve learned to take it all in strides. I love the idea that you try to refrain from explaining. I need to do that as well.
Thank you for putting so much work into your blog. I really love the detailed instructions you provide. I also often get ideas and even go online to check out some of your favorite products/websites. That’s how I discovered epantry.
God bless you in all your endeavors.
Kelly S says
Good points. I feel like perhaps fear of criticism is part of why I lately focused on “one thing.” If I can do a lot of things half-well, it seems “normal,” rather than being super passionate about one thing.
In school, my “one thing” was schoolwork, and yes, I was definitely made to feel bad about the time and effort I put into papers, studying for tests, projects, doing the reading and then participating in class discussions, etc.
You’ve helped me have a heart for thinking about how I am offending others, unintentionally, by subtle comments like this.
On a side note, have you heard of the book “The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up?” I read it this week, because I had heard some “buzz” about it, and so much of what she talks about reminds me a lot of your blog. (Not all of it, though – she is Japanese and has a cultural understanding of physical objects having feelings, so she talks to them… not something I imagine you doing.) But, she advocates for folding clothes the same way you do, for getting rid of stuff rather than storing it, and for only keeping the items that make you happy.
Andrea says
Amen! My mom has ALWAYS called me a “Jill of all trades” because she said I could do pretty much anything pretty well. I’ve always been slightly above average at most things, but never really over-the-top at anything. Then I got married, got a house, and realized that home management was truly my passion — and I was really quite good at it!
Now, 8 years later, sharing my passion for home management is how I make a full-time living to help support my family!
Oh, and about that book — you’re right, I don’t talk to my things 🙂 But it definitely sounds interesting! Too bad reading has never been one of my “one things”!!
Michelle says
Reading this brought to mind a meme I saw the other day that said – “If women were always as nice to each other as they are in the toilets when they’re drunk, the world would be a better place.” It made me laugh but it’s SO TRUE!!
Melissa says
Boy, did I need to hear/read this post today! I changed jobs in August, and went from teaching full time to part time, to accommodate some family priorities that my husband and I agreed were very important to us. I have never regretted working less hours at my paid job, but I find myself wondering if I am doing enough, working part-time, caring for two teenagers, a home, a husband, and aging parents. LOL! On my good days, I am so glad that I was brave, and changed our lives. On my bad days, I wonder if I am making a difference. Today, I see that our choice to have this life is the right one, for us. On a different note, you could add to your “snarky comments” list anything to do with weight if you have a child who has ANY weight issues at all. Also, not a nice thing to hear from people. I have loved reading your posts, and I especially appreciate this one!
Andrea says
Those comments bug me… because do you think your husband would have gotten the same type of comments if HE were the one to go down to part time? Nope, he would have been praised for putting his family first.
I’m not a feminist, but still 🙂
Priyanka says
Love this post! I have heard a lot of snide remarks about eating healthy but one co-worker takes the winners title since she would not simply get the message to stop! Each day when I opened my tiffin she would come and peek into it and then smirk, telling me how I can make fancy lunches because i don’t have kids yet. And then the same lady commented about my lack of nutrition understanding a year back when I ate a frozen homemade burrito for lunch. She actually commented that it reflects badly on my mommyhood when I can’t even healthy myself…HUH??? Guess you can’t win!
On a random note, I followed your post on potty training Nora and implemented the approach with my high needs toddler and I am glad to report that we are about 75% potty trained. He is getting there with the night time training as well but I am not pushing it 🙂 Thanks for all your tips about Nora it makes things easier for me sometimes with my own son 🙂
Andrea says
When I used to work outside the home, I often got teased from bringing a lunch (but pretty affectionately, and I took it well). However, I had to laugh because about a year later, I realized that a TON more people were bringing their lunches to work and eating in the lunch room versus going out to eat. Maybe I started the trend??
And also, so glad to hear about the potty training success. Nora still wears pull-ups at night and I’m honestly not even trying to change that. She NEVER has any accidents during the day and now that she’s finally sleeping well at night, I’m not risking it by having her wake up because she wet the bed. I’d rather sleep 🙂
Kelly says
One of my least favorite phrases is “It must be nice to . . . ” I am convinced that nothing good comes from finishing that sentence and I do my best to keep it out of my word choices because all it does is create comparisons from assumptions that may not even be true!
Andrea says
I know… I know… and I’m sure I’ve said it my fair share of times as well 🙁
Lisa K says
I can’t even begin to express how much I enjoyed this post. We have definitely all been on the receiving end of comments like these. I know I, too, am trying to watch my words carefully to make sure anything I say cannot be construed as mean or jealous, etc. We all have our gifts and things that we enjoy and we should never begrudge others for theirs. It reminds me of something I used to hear as a kid: “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” Maybe instead of saying, “you really showed us all up on those cookies” one could say, “wow, you really have a talent for baking and decorating. you must really enjoy it!” Such a good post, Andrea! Thanks. Yours is one of my favorite blogs.
Jennifer M says
Great post! I could really relate to your post. Not in regards to keeping a clean home…but in other areas I like doing and am good at. I also feel “judged” as a SAHM that I should have all of this time on my hands and to volunteer and organize things. Love reading your posts! =)
Sandy says
An EXCELLENT post, Andrea! Thanks once again for your wise and insightful words!
Aa. says
Me and my husband have each two jobs that we work at, and we like to travel in weekends and enjoy the little free time we have because since it is little, we have to make it worth), and we received a lot of “Oh, you don’t have kids, you have no worries so you can do whatever crosses your mind…we can’t”! Well, we try but we can’t have kids, and that hurts so bad, because no one knows!
Also, we work hard, so what is the harm in enjoying our free time? We earn it and it is our decision to do so.
That is the thing with judgement, you don’t know how bad it can hurt someone.
Andrea says
Wow, that’s harsh. I try to NEVER EVER say anything about “not having kids” to anyone as I know so many people who would love to have kids but just can’t. It’s a really sensitive subject (as you know) and just not worth going there!
However, I certainly hope you enjoy all your travels — that is one thing I wish Dave and I did more of before we had kids, but we were both too frugal (a.k.a. cheap!) Now I feel like it will be YEARS before we’re able to do fun stuff like that again!
Laura says
We couldn’t have kids for the first 11 years of our marriage. We now look back and appreciate the trips that we were abke to take just the two of us. There is a season for everything and it is important that we appreciate the things we live in the season we are in.
Andrea says
Thanks for sharing this Laura! I love your positive spin on things 🙂
Jenna says
Oh my goodness, another awesome post, Andrea! I follow lots of blogs and yours is by far one of my favorites. I just love your content and wisdom while still being “real.” Anyway, I love doing all the things you mentioned too – organizing, budgeting, scheduling, decorating, (probably not cleaning so much), gardening, meal planning, and everything else you mentioned. I never realized it was Home Management. I love that there’s a word to describe it! Thanks for shedding light that my one thing actually is a thing 🙂
Andrea says
Thanks so much Jenna! And if you love Home Management, I’d suggest flipping through the book: Home Comforts by Cheryl Mendelson. It’s all about “The Art and Science of Keeping Home” It’s a HUGE book, but it is really eye opening how much there is to learn and master “just” to manage a home!
Julie says
LOVE that book Home Comforts! I’ve read it over and over, as a reference and just for fun! Highly recommend to anyone who loves to read about caring for the home. Unfortnately I love reading about caring for the home more than I love actually doing it! Ha ha 😉 I do okay though 😉 and I get to do my “one thing” of being a therapist, too. Thanks for a great post 😉
Becky says
Usually those types of comments catch me completely off-guard and I have no response at all, not even a nod. Every once in a while, though, I am inspired. I think it’s great fun to take what someone said and run with it. Like, if someone tells you that you must have so much time on your hands, you say, “I know, right?!?! Nothing but bon-bons and long baths in THIS house!” 🙂
Dawn says
Well, yes. I have 10 children and you better believe I have heard some RUDE comments in my day!! But I just let them slide off my back most of the time.
The other day, a complete stranger, and a man to top it off, said to me (after a mutual friend introduced me to him as the mother of ten), “Isn’t there a PILL for that??” Then he died laughing while I stood there just staring at him with my mouth hanging open. I am usually more gracious than that. He’s lucky I didn’t punch him. HAHA. Not really.
But yes, I feel strongly called to mothering and home schooling. I have been at this mothering thing for over 27 years, and teaching my kids at home for over 18. People don’t like that I have devoted my life to my family.
Great post. I’m gonna keep right on with my calling. You enjoy your organizing!!!
Lindsey T says
Andrea:
Yet another fabulous post and incredibly well written. This is probably one of my biggest pet peeve’s, people who make comments like this! I ran the Boston Marathon a few years ago and that is when I started realizing the people who make comments like this. Every person started with “I have no clue how you have time for that.” Or, “Why would you ever want to run a marathon or run that far or run at all?” And I remember thinking to myself (and wanting to yell in their faces), “WHY THE HECK DO YOU CARE?!”
And now that we own a home and I keep it incredibly neat and made up of DIY projects (we have no children) the comments when people visit are, “This house would never happen if you had kids” or “You can’t have nice things like this when you have kids” or “You won’t have time for any of this when you have kids.” It drives me INSANE. I was a nanny for many years, I know what kids are like and I’m not afraid of them. And I’m confident my house won’t be trashed regularly (every so often, likely, daily, no).
You have time for the things you make time for and what those things are shouldn’t matter to anyone else. Sadly, I think it’s often their insecurities showing. I’ve learned to smile, nod and not respond because sometimes that’s the easiest solution! (Though in the back of my head the irritated, direct east coaster in me is all I’LL SHOW YOU THAT I’LL HAVE A NEAT HOUSE WHEN I HAVE KIDS. But I keep that voice in control) 😛
Thanks as always, for writing great posts, about real life topics!
Andrea says
Thanks Lindsey,
I’m definitely NOT a runner, but my last year of college, I decided to run a local 25K (very popular) race. I followed the training exactly, and ran almost every day. It just so happened that my wedding was 1 month after the race… and can you even imagine how many comments I got from people who were positive I was doing the race to “lose weight for my wedding”. Give me a break!
I was a 3-sport athlete in high school and a 2-sport athlete in college… I definitely was not running to lose weight for my wedding!
Oh and also, I guarantee that your house will be neat and clean whenever you have kids. I got a bazillion of those comments too and if anything, they made me even more determined that I wouldn’t let my house get out of control after kids. It’s definitely not decorated as cute as it was before, and the floors always have crumbs on them — but our house is clean and orderly at the end of every day!
Lindsey T says
Love hearing that about your neat house. I already find myself wanting to make sure I keep it neat (when I have kids) because of people’s comments! But really the truth is I operate better with order. So it’s about me not them 🙂
Andrea says
Thanks Lindsey! I know it’s hard to believe, but there are also people who operate better with some clutter around them… I’m with you on the “order” and “clutter-free” though 🙂
Lisa says
This is just wonderful. Sometimes we forget how the little comments can make such an impact because while activities may seem like hobbies to some, they are passion projects for others. The positive affirmation of the little things is such a great way to encourage people to find and do well at their ONE THING. Thanks so much for calling us out and reminding us of our slip-ups. We all make them, we can all learn from them.
Andrea says
Thanks Lisa — based on your website URL, I can tell you’re probably big on simplifying and organizing too!
Pam says
Yes! I read every spare moment I can find. I was talking about something I had just read recently with a friend and she made that comment, “I don’t know how you can find the time to read so much; it seems I don’t have time to get the stuff I need to get done every day.” She doesn’t work outside the home, but spends a HUGE amount of time on the telephone, and she talks about the tv shows she loves and games she’s addicted to on her phone. After the “no time to get anything done”, I nicely replied that we usually use our time to do what we like to do and I do not like to talk on the phone, don’t like to watch tv, and never play any games on my phone because I don’t enjoy it. I then added that this frees up a lot of reading time for me – which is very important. P.S. when I am not reading I am cleaning and organizing – my next favorite thing!
Lauren says
Cheers, Andrea for keeping it classy. That is one (small) reason I like your blog so much! A tip I learned is to develop a “line” when people ask/say snarky questions/comments. For example when someone says must be nice to have retired to be a SAHM! (As if!) I say my line of… We discussed the direction for this time in our life and feel me being at home is the best decision for us right now. I could say that sentence in my sleep!
It’s all about a classy answer in a calm tone! (Even though I am boiling inside!) ha!
Andrea says
Thanks Lauren… I usually respond with something like “yeah, I’m a homebody so it just works for me”. Either that, or if I’m really annoyed, I just smile and don’t say anything.
Nancy Ellen says
The people who love organizing their homes and spending so much time in their kitchens are often the ones who have meals ready to give to those in need–given without fuss and with generosity.
Liane says
The thing that struck me the most in you list of random examples was the degree of hostility masked by such passive aggressive comments. Passive aggressive people are toxic and so hard to deal with. If you call them on their behavior they melt down and cry. If you ignore them they gloat inwardly feeling like they have won. I married into a family where no one can state straight out what they mean. They all resort to the snarky barbs. After 30 years of this it still rankles. But I have found a weapon against them that works like magic. Agreement.
You are so right, I do understand this completely. If it is any consolation these people (nearly always women who purport to be friends) are miserable, resentful and envious.
I know we are supposed to pray for our enemies but I really just want to pray they disappear
Liane says
Half my comment disappeared too. Not sure why but I think I made my point!
Andrea says
Sorry about that! I don’t see your other half of a comment lingering anywhere… but yes, you made your point (and a very good point too!) Thanks!!
Phyllis says
The really neat thing about Mary and Martha is that Jesus did not judge either one of them. They were both doing a good thing. I love your blog Andrea. You have incredible wisdom for a young woman.
Andrea says
Thanks Phyllis!
Verity@homemakerspectrum says
I love this post!
I think we as women (especially as moms) tend to focus on our weaknesses.
Realizing our ‘one thing’ allows us to embrace who God made us to be and be better people.
I always struggled with feeling inadequate as a mom because I struggle with organization. My ‘one thing’ was that I like to sing. (How could that help with homemaking!?)
One day I realized that I could be a blessing in my home with my strength and started to sing a lot more with my 4 small children. We sing A LOT now, and it has helped our home run more smoothly. We have a clean-up song that helps them learn the order in which to clean, (Left to right and top to bottom are the rules that make us our day…), Bible verses and poems that are important to me we also sing and have learned faster.
I just had to get my eyes off of other people’s strengths and recognize that God had equipped me with everything I needed. 🙂
Andrea says
Yes Verity — I love how you put this! And yes, singing is definitely a gift. Nora and I sing ALLLL the time
Verity@homemakerspectrum says
Oh my! I can totally see you two singing a lot. So fun!
Jennifer says
What an awesome post, Andrea! Yup – been there, heard that – or at least something similar. My “one thing” is scrapbooking. Being a former elementary school teacher, I have ALWAYS enjoyed paper crafting in one form or other. I have actually “hidden” the fact that I scrapbook because of the snarky kind of comments you mentioned. I have felt “guilty” enjoying photos, paper and glue! This post was an “ouch” for me too because I am sure I’ve shamed another in return – not meaning to – be careless comments nonetheless – a backhanded compliment so to speak……Anyway, thanks for the post, the food for thought and I love your blog and watching your family grow and change. That Nora cracks me up on a regular basis!
Andrea says
oh boy, I can only imagine how many comments you get about your scrapbooking. I’ve never done scrapbooking but I do the digital photo albums (which in my opinion are much less “involved” than traditional scrapbooks) and even I get comments… so I’m sure you get many more than me!
And yes, Nora is a funny little lady 🙂
Pamela says
Thank you for this inspiring, eye-opening post, Andrea. I loved it and am learning so much from you.
I am on both ends of this — being subtly mocked for my home organization, and also thinking of others as “less than” for their home disorganization. But, we are all different people so it only follows that we have different gifts, desires, and skills. This post is a good reminder to “Encourage one another and build each other up.” Thank you!
Andrea says
Thanks Pamela — and yes, “encourage one another and build each other up” that’s a great goal!
Robyn says
I will never forget when my husband and I first starting training for triathlons and we were having so much fun, someone from church told us that everyone they knew that did triathlons was a narcissist. Nice! — Great words Andrea!
Andrea says
haha — that’s quite the statement. I’m surprised they actually said that to your face!
Liane says
Robyn,
It’s so sad this is true but it seems most of the worst kind of criticism I have received was from women at my church. My coworkers were supportive when I tried something new. When I transfer from day shift to pm shift in the ICU I got slammed for missing Wednesday night Bible study. When I explained I needed to be able to get my preteen to school 40 minutes away I got slammed for working. Working as an RN means working every other weekend. I got slammed for missing church. But when I offered to work a double shift to cover for a fellow nurse who had a sick kid my unit manager gave me a gift certificate to a home goods store to say thanks for my sacrifice. I don’t go to that church any longer. And the worst was that nary a lady there ever remarked that she missed me or commiserated with my late hours. Just told me what I was doing wrong and making it sound like I was the worst person on the planet.
I recently came across this article and it was a lightbulb moment of clarity. I hope the link works!
http://jamesclear.com/joseph-brodsky
— Liane
Andrea says
Thanks for the link Liane — it works for me!
Jen says
Ohhhhh this is HUGE for me! If I hear “you’re such a Martha, don’t you know Mary chose the BEST thing” one more time………………. I get soo weary of people assuming that my children are neglected or I must not spend enough time with the Lord or whatever because we happen to enjoy a clean and organized home. Why is it always assumed (by people for whom cleaning is NOT a priority) that those of us who have clean and organized homes must be slacking off on the “important” things? If you don’t like a clean house, admit it’s not a priority and OWN it. Don’t blame my clean house for making you feel “less than”. Honestly, others people’s dirt and mess doesn’t bother ME so I’m not sure why my clean and neat house bothers other people so much.
A few weeks ago, we had some friends over to our home for dinner. She was helping me clean up the kitchen and asked me “Where is your trash can or do you not make any trash in your house?” I know she was joking but much truth is told in jest and her comment was hurtful. I begin to wonder if *I* am somehow making people feel like they don’t measure up to my standards. I don’t believe that I am ( and after talking honestly with my husband he agreed) but her comment still bothers me.
I have four children (22, 19, 17, 15) who have ALL, at various times, thanked me for their clean and organized home. And, from what I can tell, they are all well-adjusted, respectful, members of society who have successfully survived their “clean freak” mom! 🙂
Andrea says
OH MY WORD… I’ve gotten the “martha / mary” comment a bazillion times too! My mom told me that I should respond by saying something like, “but without Marth, there would be no house to meet in, no food to eat, and Mary wouldn’t have been able to enjoy Jesus company as much”
I’ve never actually said anything like that, but that comment does bug me. I feel like it’s often an “excuse” for someone who is lazy and wants to justify it with some sort of Biblical example.
Amy says
I love your moms response! I am going to use that!!
lydia @ frugaldebtfreelife says
Oh my. Are people really that rude?? I guess one of my one things is that I really just like being at home with my kids. I get a lot of “must be nice” or “that’s a luxury” from other moms who don’t stay home. I always want to tell them that my husband and I have mad a lot of sacrifices we’ve made or luxurious we DON’T have so I can be home. But I don’t. I don’t have to justify my decisions. And frankly, I just don’t care anymore.
But you are right, we do have to be intentional with what we say, because even a joke can come across as hurtful. And I commend you on keeping a tidy and organized home. It’s something I struggle with,but as you say… progress over perfection.
Andrea says
Yes Lydia! I used to ALWAYS feel like I had to justify myself or make some excuse… but I’ve been trying really hard just to let any negative comments roll off my back and appreciate any positive comments.
Debbie W. says
This post really hit home for me. I know I’ve been guilty of feeling jealous of people who are good at things that I struggle with. Sometimes it feels so unfair that something I care about is so difficult to for me to pull off, but then seems easy for another person. But on the flip side, I also feel exactly like you said about things that I am good at. I do not like it at all when I can tell that someone is jealous of me. It takes all the joy out of accomplishing something, because so often I feel that I have no one to celebrate the accomplishment with (because I know they will just be jealous). Recently I have been working really hard at not being envious of others, but instead learning to appreciate them for who they are. But I’ve also been trying to not let the “fear of success” because of people’s tendency to envy stand in my way. I know that I have actually sabatoged my own efforts to do something well before because of being too self conscious about doing it better than other people.
So, this post was good for me on both sides…on the one hand to inspire me to continue making the effort to not let envy stand in the way of being able to get to know someone, and on the other hand to help me feel encouraged to do my personal best and not worry so much about what others think. What I appreciate about you, Andrea is that you use your talents not only to bless the lives of yourself and your family, but to also help others of us who are trying to be better. And I guess I think that’s the key to overcoming all of the negative emotions…focusing more on using whatever gifts we’ve been given to help other people.
Andrea says
Thanks Debbie… I can totally relate to everything you said in your comment. I appreciate you sharing your perspecitve.
Cambria says
GREAT post Andrea! Thank you for sharing your heart (and home) with us every day. Loved this post and yes, I’ve been ridiculed for one reason or another over the years… and it seems to only amplify when you have children. But also, this is a great reminder as to how we should treat others. Thank you and I love that you are who are you are. What would your blog be about it you weren’t?? 🙂
Kate beckett says
Yes! So true. You put so many feelings into words. When I can stuff from my garden I et comment all the time. But I choose to spend time canning instead of TV, couponing, shopping etc. It’s all personal choices and we all choose how prioritize our time and we all do so differently. Love this Andrea! We care too much about other’s choices and/or how others are different than ourselves and assume its a negative thing when it’s really a positive!
Kate beckett says
Oh and to mention… Sometimes I want to do those other things (or wish I was better at them) but there’s only so much time And have to choose.
Andrea says
exactly kate — and I too can relate to the home canning comments. “it doesn’t really save you any money, it’s the same as buying organic, it’s such a waste of time, etc. etc.” but what they don’t get is that I ENJOY the process and we LOVE the taste enough to justify the extra time!