Despite the perfectly happy holiday cheer we see in magazines, on TV, on the internet, or in any local mall, the holiday season is often a bittersweet time of year for so many.
Maybe it’s financial pressure to buy the biggest, best, and most gifts, leaving you in a pile of debt every year — one that takes months to finally crawl out of again.
Maybe it’s a job you hate — especially this time of year when you’re expected to work over-time, weekends, holidays, etc. and miss out on all the fun activities you wish you could be doing instead.
Maybe it’s a recent death (or military deployment or long-distance move) and the realization that certain special people will not be celebrating with you this year.
Maybe it’s rebellious children or nasty relatives who make holiday gatherings miserable.
Maybe it’s too many life changes (new baby, new job, loss of a job, moving, new schools, new routine, etc. etc.) that leave you dreading all the “extras” associated with this time of year, wondering how you can possibly fit anything else into your busy schedule.
Maybe it’s legal issues, adoption delays, medical testing results, or other situations completely out of your control that leave your anxiety high as you anticipate new information, updates, and decisions.
Maybe it’s mental, physical, emotional, or spiritual wounds that simply prevent you from experiencing joy, peace, and happiness like you have in the past.
Whatever the case, I know this time of year can be especially difficult for you.
If you find yourself nodding in agreement with anything on my list above, I hope to offer a bit of encouragement, as well as a few simple ideas to bring more joy to your life this season
1. Know that you’re not alone.
Although you might feel completely isolated, I’m confident others feel the same way you do right now… and if you can find a few of those people, it will do you a world of good (I learned this when struggling with postpartum depression several years ago).
Contact local support groups, churches, therapists, counselors, hospitals, etc., and see if there are programs in your area that allow you to reach out to others who are in the same situation.
And yes, I realize the act of ‘reaching out’ probably doesn’t appeal to most people in these situations — so if you know someone in a hard place this holiday season, do a little research on their behalf and see if you can’t introduce them to someone, a group, a program, etc.
It might be the best gift you can give them this year!
2. Expect this year to be and feel different.
Expectations play a huge role in our happiness.
If we go into the holiday season expecting everything to be happy, perfect, smiley, fun, and enjoyable, we will likely be disappointed.
However, if we go into the season embracing and expecting that things will be different, we can often save ourselves so much heartache and disappointment.
Expect your holidays to be different and probably more difficult at times.
Expect that you will have a wide range of emotions… you might feel sad and lonely at times.
Embrace the fact that you most likely won’t enjoy specific parties or events like you have in past years… you might not even want to attend those parties and events in the first place. That’s ok.
Of course, I’m not saying we should expect the season to be awful, but I do believe having realistic expectations for ourselves, our family, and our holiday season can do a world of good when we are sad, hurting, or not emotionally healthy.
3. Consider doing something totally different.
Several years ago, Dave and I essentially “skipped” Thanksgiving due to sick children that no one else wanted to be around.
It was a very different Thanksgiving weekend for us (we ate grilled cheese and tomato soup and did yard work most of the afternoon) but it was still a welcome break from our normal school-time routine.
Ever since that year, I’ve realized how much of the holidays are driven by traditions — doing the same things every year, just because we are expected to do them every year, even if they no longer make sense for our current season of life.
Maybe this year is your year to “skip” part of the holidays and just do something totally different — like eat grilled cheese and do yard work!
If a specific part of the holiday season will be extra difficult or emotional for you, consider skipping it and doing something different instead.
- Ditch your traditional holiday menu for pizza, Chinese take-out, grilled cheese, or anything else you enjoy eating.
- Skip the party or event you know will cause unwanted emotions to surface.
- Abandon traditions that aren’t working for your current season of life and don’t let yourself feel guilty.
- Stay home instead of going out — or go out instead of staying home. Whatever fits your preferences better this year.
- Celebrate on a random day — if December 25 is hard or challenging for you, just choose a different random day to celebrate instead.
4. Help someone else.
One of the best, fastest, and easiest ways to improve my own mood and mental state is to do something to help someone else.
Even if you don’t feel like it (and you probably won’t feel like it) I encourage you to look for ways to help those around you.
- Volunteer at church, in a soup kitchen, or for a local organization.
- Be a bell ringer for the Salvation Army.
- Write cards of encouragement for special people in your life.
- Open doors for stranges, look them in the eyes, and smile at them.
- Make care packages for homeless people in your community.
- Bring a meal to someone else (or send a gift card).
- Help a neighbor with yard work.
- Take a friend out for lunch.
- Donate to a worthy cause.
There are hundreds of small, simple ways you can help those around you… and the cool thing about helping others is that it often comes back and end up boosting our own mood too!
5. Remember the real reason for the holiday season.
I’m often surprised how many people brush over the religious aspects of the CHRISTmas season in pursuit of finding the best gifts, reserving the most desirable venue, making the most delicious foods, and coordinating the perfect outfits for their holiday cards.
Yes, I too enjoy trying new recipes, mailing Christmas cards, and catching up with friends and relatives I only see once a year. However, they aren’t the point of the holiday season… and when we focus too heavily on the consumer-driven aspects of Christmas, we’re bound to feel empty and disappointed.
As Christians, we know life will not always be perfect or happy or easy, BUT we also know God is always with us (Immanuel) — especially during rough seasons when we feel like we’re alone or that no one understands what we’re going through.
Take comfort in this truth, and embrace the real reason we celebrate this special season.
Of course, there is never a one-size-fits-all approach for difficult holidays.
However, if you find yourself unhappy or emotionally drained this time of year, I hope one of these ideas will offer a much-needed boost for you!
Candis says
Thank you so much for sharing this post! I lost my mom a while ago and have been struggling tremendously. This time of year is so hard for me. I have been following your blog for so long, and rarely comment, but this post really encouraged me. Thank you! Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Andrea says
I’m so sorry for your loss Candis. Blessings to you during this difficult season, and Merry Christmas.
Henriette Area says
Thank you for this important and timely message. Ann Voskamp also had a beautiful post along similar lines this week and I encourage all to find it and read it.
On a different note, I made your 4 layer fudge this week, and it is delicious. It is already in my file of favorite holiday candy recipes.
I love your blog, one of my favorites. I am in a completely different season of life from you: 75, retired from nursing career, still farming with husband and son, dealing with the challenges of this season, etc. Your blog encourages, motivates, informs, cheers, and always seems to focus me on what’s really important. Thank you always! I don’t subscribe because I don’t subscribe to blogs in general, but your blog has place of honor at the top of my bookmark list!
Andrea says
You’re welcome Henriette — and thanks so much for your kind words!
Also, I’m thrilled you enjoyed the fudge (it’s one of our family’s all-time favorites!)
AngelNAlabama says
Thank you. I lost my Mom in October after a long struggle with illness. I am very grateful that she no longer struggles (I know where she is and who she’s with – Praise God!). Selfishly I grieve for myself and the lose of her companionship and guidance. I choose not wallow or wail. I continue on with my focus on my Lord because I have a family that includes little ones need me and others who grieve her also. HOWEVER, I am working on being more present with less “presents”. May the Lord bless you and your family this Christmas and always.
Andrea says
So sorry to hear about your mom, it’s extra hard to lose someone so close to the holidays.
Grieving is very OK (and normal), but I think it’s very healthy that you are also choosing to focus more on your faith and your family instead of your grief.
Hugs to you this Christmas, as you have many bittersweet “firsts” without your mother here on earth with you.
Patricia says
Thank you
Heather says
Gosh, I love everything about this post. Empathy and compassion in spades. I wish more people bothered to address this. The holidays are a horribly painful time for so so many people. Thank you for recognizing that, Andrea.
Andrea says
Thanks so much Heather!
Kim says
I think this is my favorite post of yours ever. ❤️
Andrea says
Awww… thanks Kim!
Mara B says
This was a wonderful post, thank you!
Nancy Pease says
Hi Andrea. Thanks for this reminder. Also, churches may offer Blue Christmas services. It’s a quiet and reflective service for people who grieve during this season.
Andrea says
interesting — I’ve actually never heard of this before! Smart though!
L says
I’ve had all different kinds of holidays over my long life- some good, some interesting. Being a new widow, with no kids or close family nearby, I know that many people are concerned about my holiday plans, etc. and are feeling pity for me. I am pretty OK. Christmas will not be worse than any other day, really, and to awkwardly be invited to someone’s house would be much more painful than quietly reading and enjoying peace and some memories. It seems like it is more about meeting their needs rather than mine. People say such strange things, about how I must be feeling, but I know they mean well in their way. But, I agree: THINK before you say something to someone in tough circumstance! How does it help anyone to say “You must feel so terrible and be so lonely”? Then I am forced to reassure them! Smiling and nodding are good strategies! Let’s just calm down about the whole Christmas thing! I think we know that it isn’t actually the birthday of Jesus, which was in the spring, but I find the commercialism and forced cheer appalling. One thing I AM doing is contributing more to the local causes and programs like giving more to the food pantries, contributing to programs like “buy a foster kid a present” and “buy a nursing home resident a present”, socks and gloves for the shelters, etc. I will make plans to travel for future holidays, I think!
Jennifer says
This year we are taking a huge leap and setting sail in one week from the Texas coast to the east coast of Florida, about 800 miles which will take 5-7 days. We’re so excited to finally live out a part of our sailing dreams and at a time of year that is usually quite hectic for us with both of our sets of parents divorced and remarried. We made the rounds for Thanksgiving and feel so relieved to be free for Christmas. Maybe we’ll start a yearly distant sailing tradition.
Heather says
As always Andrea, thought-provoking and empathetic post. Enough to say, I look forward to your posts every day, and your blog is one of very very few that I follow.
Andrea says
Thanks so much Heather!
Natalia says
Beautiful post! Thank you!
Margaret says
Yes, yes, and yes. Most of my circle knows that I was completely alienated from my (now dead) abusive family, and a lot of people have tried to “include” me over the years. While I REALLY appreciate the thought, I learned pretty quickly to say no, for several reasons.
First, I am a true introvert, and am always happy alone. Second, being included in someone else’s family gathering just underlined the fact that I didn’t have one of my own.Third, some members of the group you’re invited to may not be completely on board with including outsiders, and that’s uncomfortable. And last, who wants to be an object of pity?
So I’ll take my dogs for a nice hike, and be thankful that my nightmare childhood is over. It’s okay. Really.
Andrea says
enjoy your dogs and the great outdoors Margaret!
I appreciate you sharing your perspective — I’m positive it will be helpful for others reading this post!
Crystal says
I LOVE & appreciate so much every single word of this…
❤️
Andrea says
Thanks Crystal
Beth says
The reason for Christmas is Jesus’ birth. That is good to focus on. I like your article. I find it encouraging.
Rhonda says
#5 could be “Don’t ask every person you meet if they are “ready for Chrismas/The Holidays”. I hear it almost every day and it just makes me feel even more stressed out, or that I SHOULD have more to “get ready” for.
Andrea says
Yeah, it’s sort of just one of those things people say… like “so, are you ready for kids yet” right after people get married, or “is she sleeping through the night yet” when the baby is a month old!
It’s annoying (believe me, I know!), but I honestly think WE just need to realize these people are not trying to be negative, but probably just trying to make conversation. Just smile, nod, and don’t let it get to you.
Rhonda says
True, it’s really one of those “small talk” subjects. Some people may not even really be interested in the answer (if it’s someone you don’t know). It’s just weather talk, and I shouldn’t let it amplify my anxiety (which during December is my “super fancy Christmas anxiety”, instead of my “regular anxiety”).
And yes, it does remind me of those questions I used to get “when are you going to have another kid”? My husband came up with a good (comical, of course) response to that when people asked him – his response was “when I get another wife.” 🙂 Ha!
Kulturschnepfe says
This might seem strange, but if you know someone is alone during the holidays, don’t assume they are lonely. I like spending those days on my own, they are wonderful for “recharging my batteries”, and though I realize that it is meant as a kind gesture, I don’t want to be invited to other people’s festivities.
I have been invited a few times – saying no kindly was awkward, it was awkward for the other person, too – they even might have felt a little insulted. Saying yes, going to their parties or dinners, might have been a good experience. But more often than not, when I have said yes, I spent my time feeling like the odd one out. I’m too much of an introvert to just join any group and be happy.
Test the waters cautiously if you feel like inviting somebody, but don’t be mad or disappointed if they decline. Any which way, thank you for being kind to strangers/introverts. 😀
JJ says
I was just going to ask about this! At Target yesterday, I was caught off guard when I asked the cashier if he was getting ready for Christmas. He said, “I don’t really have to get ready.” He looked down sadly, and I felt so badly for asking what seemed a sore topic. He said he had no family here, and he trailed off. I told him we had no family nearby, either. I want to do something to give him some Christmas cheer, but Target has a policy about giving employees gifts. I may just have the kids make him a picture. But I just don’t want him to feel “left out.” Any ideas? Please share!
Andrea says
Just a thought — you might be reading too much into his reaction. He might have just been shy or tired??
I think we’re so programmed into assuming people do NOT want to be alone or that people all want to do lots and lots to “prepare” for the holidays that we feel bad or like something is wrong if a person is not completely consumed with holiday preparation.
I’ll be honest, Dave and I do almost nothing to “prepare” for the holidays. We put up a tree, we buy a few gifts, and I make a few special treats, that’s about it.
I think it would be sweet if your kids made him a card, but I definitely wouldn’t let yourself feel badly about asking the question!
Lil says
This could be terribly awkward for him. Once when I was working on Christmas, some people felt sorry for me and brought me stuff, and it was mortifying! There were questions from co-workers and boss. And even worse, once a church adopted us for a holiday meal (without us knowing) and brought a bunch of groceries over without warning. We did not want or need the groceries and it was so embarrassing, and then I had to take the groceries and donate them to a food pantry! Not everyone celebrates Christmas, remember! So, think it through, and if it seems right, do it, but if it seems even a little questionable, think of something else you could do to brighten someone’s day, maybe!
Andrea says
good point — thanks for sharing!
Rhonda says
I think that’s an excellent point. I often feel bad turning down things that I don’t really want to do, but I feel like if I participate and don’t enjoy it, that’s not fun for anyone.
Andrea says
yes exactly! Probably spoken from a true introvert — which I can so easily relate to!
I often joke with Dave that either one of us would LOVE to be “alone” over a holiday — but I do realize it’s because we rarely get a chance to be all by ourselves. If someone is alone all day, every day, they would probably welcome some company or an invitation out.
But NOT everyone!
Thanks for bringing this up and sharing your perspective!
Annette Silveira says
I wanted to restate your point about reaching out to those we know are hurting. It’s most often not possible for them to do it. Make those calls. Take some tea and cookies. Invite them over. Don’t let them sit alone if you can help it.
Merry Christmas everyone!
Andrea says
Yes, it never hurts to ask — as long as we’re OK if they say “no”.
It’s hard for some people to believe, but there are many people who truly do NOT mind being “alone”. They like the quiet, so we shouldn’t assume that everyone NEEDS to be part of something over the holidays, or feel badly if they aren’t. Maybe they are choosing to be alone for a reason. We need to respect that too.
Kerri says
This was me 2 years ago. My mom was in the hospital for 2 months over Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s. I was at work (private duty nurse) upset about everything when I stopped to appreciate the small things, like rocking my work baby to sleep and that small change brought about a better perspective. Yes the holidays would be bad that year but it wasn’t forever or the end of the world.
Andrea says
I’m sure you’re glad that Christmas is IN THE PAST!