In a world of Hollywood romance and “highlight reels”, it’s tempting to believe our relationships are lacking. What Hollywood doesn’t tell us though, is that healthy marriages are built on the faithful pursuit and practice of everyday love.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.” 1 Corinthians 13:4
Thanks to Hollywood’s big screens, “reality” TV, and the seemingly innocent fairytale stories we learn to love before we really even understand what love is, our view of romance is extremely distorted.
From an early age, we’re taught that romantic relationships require fancy gowns, expensive jewelry, surprise getaways, mushy love notes, intense passion, and at least a few dozen roses.
Those can be expressions of love… but, with divorce rates on the rise across the nation and passive-aggressive chatter becoming the norm in our social circles, I can’t help but wonder if our relationship frustrations are due in part to the unrealistic expectations we place on “romance”.
Relationship advice is a regular request in my inbox… but I usually shy away from this topic because I don’t feel qualified.
Certainly, 15 years doesn’t make me a marriage expert.
And to be frank, our relationship hasn’t weathered all that many “storms”.
By God’s grace, we have no redemption story, no “5 steps to how we rekindled the flame”, no dramatic forgiveness, or “why I took him back” narrative. Not even a light-hearted tale of “the night he slept on the couch” (unless you count the time he was sick).
We love and respect each other… and we really like being together too.
Some of your relationships are not as fortunate. They are riddled with pain, hurt, heartache, loss, and anger — for this, I am saddened.
My intention in sharing today is not to cause more pain and hurt.
Rather, I hope to give center stage to the often-overlooked little acts of “everyday love” that are the cornerstone of our relationship. It’s not nearly as glamorous as those Hollywood movie romances, but it’s so much more rewarding.
I’m also sharing a few practical tips AND some of my favorite relationship resources below!
But first, let me share a few silly stats from the past decade…
Less than 10 = The number of actual “dates” we’ve gone on since having children.
2 = The number of nights we’ve spent together, away from our children (one of which was at our own house).
1 = The number of times we’ve hired a babysitter.
1 = The number of times Dave has surprised me with jewelry, flowers, or chocolates (it was our engagement story).
0 = The number of anniversary or Valentine’s gifts I’ve received from Dave.
0 = The number of fancy vacations we’ve been on.
0 = The number of love notes either of us has written.
Too Many To Count = The number of times Dave has sacrificially given up something for my happiness.
Every Single Day = The number of days he has spoken my love language through small acts of service.
Google +1 (as our kids say) = The number of moments I feel safe, heard, happy, respected, and loved.
Even the best Hollywood romance can’t possibly depict how it feels when he helps clean up your child’s puke a 2 am. When he compliments the meal you know full well is burnt. When he intuitively picks up your slack without keeping score. When he listens without offering advice. When he lightens a tense situation with a cheesy joke. When he is so safely predictable he can’t surprise me even if he tried.
We rarely see that faithful everyday love on the big screens — and it truly makes all the difference for us.
Pursuing a healthier relationship…
There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to a happier, healthier marriage (at least not in my experience).
What follows, however, is a short list of ideas to aid in your pursuit of a healthier marriage relationship.
They can’t possibly apply to every relationship, but I truly hope one or two will resonate with your current season of life.
Baby steps — right!
If you’re single…
- Embrace your singleness.
- Find hobbies you enjoy, pursue a career you feel passionate about, support a cause you believe in.
- Focus on developing other relationships (friends, family, coworkers, neighbors)
- Get involved in church or volunteer opportunities.
- Read about the different personality types, search for free personality quizzes online, and learn as much as you can about your specific personality.
- Dig deep to uncover what makes you unique and special.
- Pray for your future spouse.
- Don’t settle for someone because you’re too eager to be in a relationship.
If you’re dating…
- Stop watching chick flicks and other cheesy rom-com TV shows and movies that distort your views of real-life relationships.
- Stop reading romance novels (even the “Christian” ones). They overly romanticize relationships, and, in my opinion, they aren’t realistic.
- Focus on yourself as an individual, not just as half of a couple (study your own personality as I mentioned above.)
- Read several of the resources I recommend at the end of the post.
- Continue to pursue individual hobbies and friendships.
- Talk about everything together! Your ideas, dreams, goals, expectations, money, sex, faith, careers, etc.
- Spend time as a couple with each of your families and friends — they will be a big part of your life moving forward.
- Seek counsel from those you trust who are older than you (parents, pastors, mentors).
- Don’t try to change your significant other… they most likely will not change and they’ll resent you for trying.
If you’re newly married…
- Read The 5 Love Languages, learn how to speak your spouse’s love language fluently, and practice speaking it every day.
- Strive to continually learn more about relationships (use the resources I link to below).
- Look for little ways to encourage each other every day.
- Try to live “unoffendable” and let the little things go.
- Communicate daily… share it all.
- Ask… don’t assume.
- Commit to never speaking poorly of your spouse in front of anyone else — this is HUGELY important for us.
- Put your spouse’s needs and wants ahead of your parents’ or siblings’ (you’re a new family together now!)
- Join a small group, find a source of accountability, or attend counseling (it’s much more effective as a preventative measure than a last resort when the relationship is in turmoil).
- Live simply and resist the temptation to “keep up with the Joneses”. It’s so important to set good habits early on in your marriage. Plus, it will be harder to dig yourself out of debt once you have children in the mix… and finances are a HUGE source of relationship conflict.
If you’re in the thick of kids and jobs and stress…
- Take a deep breath.
- Prioritize your marriage — remember, one of the best gifts you can give your children is a healthy marriage (this does not need to be a traditional “date night” or anything fancy).
- Consistently praise, encourage, and compliment your spouse in front of your children.
- Surround yourself with peers who are committed to similar family values and who challenge you to grow in your marriage and parenting.
- Seek out little moments to speak your spouse’s love language throughout the day.
- Regularly discuss your goals, dreams, values, and hopes so you “stay on the same page”.
- Monitor your media (social media, news, advertisements, TV, books, podcasts, etc.) If you feel negatively affected by any of it, remove it from your life for this season. Your family needs you to be mentally and emotionally strong — not rife with fear and anxiety.
- Stop keeping score — life isn’t fair and marriage is not a competition. It doesn’t matter who gets up more with the kids, who takes out the trash X number of times, who wakes up earlier, who spends more on clothing, who works more hours. You are a team and should both give 100% (not 50/50). Focus more on what YOU can bring to your relationship.
- Keep learning — read books about healthy relationships, listen to podcasts on marriage and parenting, attend a marriage retreat, go to counseling, seek out opportunities to grow, improve, learn, and implement.
- Evaluate your life and eliminate commitments and obligations that cause stress as stress negatively affects ALL relationships. (These might be REALLY big decisions like downsizing your home, quitting a stressful job, ending a long-standing tradition, or pulling your kids out of extracurricular activities. I promise it will be worth it in the end!)
If you’re empty nesters…
- Enjoy doing all the things you really wanted to do together but didn’t because you had young kids who needed you!
- Try new hobbies, start new traditions, and create new shared experiences together.
- Find a physical activity you enjoy doing together (hiking, biking, fishing, etc.)
- Be a cheerleader for your adult children — let them live their lives, praise what they do well, be available for help and guidance when they ask.
- Invite them back into your life/home/family but don’t be offended if they say no at times (they need time to create their own traditions and learn what works for them)
- Be the fun grandparents who say “yes” almost all the time.
- Look for ways to encourage and mentor younger married couples.
If you’re in an unhealthy relationship…
- Focus on what you can control… yourself. Read, journal, pray, and go to counseling (even if your spouse will not.)
- Write down what you are thankful for in your relationship each day — as many tiny things as you can think of.
- Surround yourself with other uplifting relationships.
- Continue speaking their love language (even if they never speak yours).
- Respond, don’t react.
- Ask, don’t assume.
- Nix sarcasm, passive-aggressive comments, and guilt trips — they never work.
- Seek medical help for chemical imbalances (depression, anxiety, etc.)
- Create boundaries for yourself and your relationship*.
* If your relationship is abusive in any way (verbal, mental, emotional, or physical) please remove yourself from the home/relationship — even if it’s only temporary.
My Favorite Relationship Books:
- The 5 Love Languages (Gary Chapman)
- His Needs, Her Needs (Willard Harley) — Here’s a great summary.
- The Meaning of Marriage (Tim and Kathy Keller)
- What Did You Expect? (Paul David Tripp)
- The Four Tendencies (Gretchen Rubin)
- Boundaries (Henry Cloud & John Townsend)
- Boundaries in Marriage (Henry Cloud & John Townsend)
- It’s Not Suppose to Be This Way (Lysa TerKeurst)
- Forgiving What You Can’t Forget (Lysa TerKeurst)
- The Bible (start with 1 Corinthians 13)
Pick one, dive in, and get ready to take notes (I have several binders filled with notes). Then… most importantly… TAKE ACTION!
Encouraging Podcasts:
I enjoy listening to these while cooking, walking, folding laundry, gardening, etc.
Related Blog Posts:
- Dream Weddings, Date Nights, and a Decade with Dave
- The Quest for “Fair” Can Ruin your Relationship
- An Attitude of Hospitality Towards Our Families
- Don’t Let Housework Hurt Your Relationship
- Our Favorite At-Home Date Nights (COVID-style!)
- Our Engagement Story (the only time he’s ever surprised me!)
- Laughter is the Best Medicine
If your relationship is filled with magical romance, enjoy it!
However, don’t let yourself think it’s necessary for a happy, healthy marriage.
After years of daily choosing kindness, letting the little things slide, working through the big things, always striving to learn and grow, giving more than we take, and seeking out small moments in the midst of the mundane — I’m confident that faithfully pursuing everyday love trumps Hollywood romance Every. Single. Time!
“And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.” 1 Corinthians 13:13
wanda says
Super great stuff! Go girl!!
Chris says
This has to be one of the most chock full of wisdom and richness posts ever! You have such excellent advice for all types of relationships.
I do have one curious question though. How did you go through your dating years without exchanging Valentine’s gifts. That seems like such a romantic thing for dating. Did you and Dave already know each other well enough to not they “weren’t needed?” Just a curious question. 🙂 I love your blog!
Andrea says
Thanks Chris 🙂
And yes… Dave really wasn’t “on the ball” when we were dating — at least not concerning gifts, LOL!
We started dating in November and he did get me a Christmas gift, but totally blew off Valentines — which made it really awkward since I had gotten him a gift! Then, the next year, he was teaching in California, and the next year we were married. He’s really not a “gifts” person… thankfully, it doesn’t bother me as I’d much rather have “acts of service”.
Chris says
🙂
Hopefully this post will open some people’s eyes if they think they need those romantic gifts or “things like the books/movies”. When our son was born, I didn’t work but I still remember over 25 years ago one night my husband took care of him in the night even though he had to get up the next morning for work and I didn’t. The good things about him (and other people’s spouses too) are so numerous, not getting mad if you make a huge mistake that cost money, helping around the house, constantly being patient, loving to spend lots of time with the kids, etc., etc., etc. I don’t have the gift of writing but you do and this was an excellent, excellent post!
Aura says
Bravo! Thank you for including a single people, too. I appreciate your words of wisdom and willingness to share your life with your readers. I may be older than you but you are an inspiration. Best wishes to you!
Andrea says
Thanks Aura! Yes, we need more positive single role models out there. Not everyone is called to marriage, but that doesn’t mean single people can’t live a VERY fulfilling and fruitful life. I have a handful of amazing single friends who (if I’m really honest) have way more exciting and fun lives than I do 🙂
Lauren says
Thank you for this phrase, “When he intuitively picks up your slack without keeping score.”
This is one of my favorite things about my husband I never put it in these words before.
Andrea says
Yes, that’s one of my favorite things about Dave too — never keeping score (which is something I see in so many relationships these days — not even just marriages either but ALL relationships)
Marva says
This post! You are on fire! ♥️
Holly S says
I’ll be honest, I almost skipped over this post because I’ve been single for over 20 years since my husband died so I thought it wouldn’t apply to me. I’m glad I didn’t because it may be one of my favorite posts yet of yours. I am going to send this to my single and married friends. I especially liked the advice of Embracing your singleness and not settling just to be with someone. My kids were very young when my husband died unexpectedly and I just got caught up raising them and didn’t have time to get back out there. Now I think I’ve been single too long to jump back out there (lol) but that’s okay because I’ve definitely embraced my singleness.
Andrea says
Oh wow — I really appreciate your comment, Holly. I never know how these “off brand” types of posts will come off — since it’s not a normal topic of mine, but then responses like yours help me realize that there is a place for this content too (every now and then).
Thanks for sharing your story… it sounds like you have a very healthy view of relationships and I’m confident that will be a huge asset for your children. Yay for embracing your singleness and being such a positive role model for others 🙂
Lauren says
You’ve given such solid suggestions in this post, Andrea! I think it’s really important for people to question the notions of romantic love we’ve been fed by culture. There’s nothing so beautiful as a loving and respectful partnership that ripens over time. We’ve been married for over 31 years, and I’m still learning new ways to strengthen and grow our relationship … I expect to continue that over a lifetime, as we continue to move from one stage of life to the next.
Andrea says
I once read that there’s no such thing as a single “soul mate” waiting out there for us… but rather, our “sole mate” becomes our “soul mate” because he/she is the one we choose to spend the rest of our lives with — for better or worse. And it’s up to us to grow into that relationship and learn to love and care for the other person. I really liked that point of view (probably because I tend to be fairly practical!)
Thanks for sharing a bit of your story, Lauren!
Leanne says
This was such a great post… Having a teenage son, we now have the “what to look for” conversation A LOT… Because of our life circumstances right now, I said to him one afternoon, “This is what you should look for…someone who is willing to walk alongside you when your parents are old, and sick, and have desperate needs and will sacrifice what would be easiest forwhat is best”… that is the essence of real love…
Another thing we did as a Christian couple was have another Christian couple we knew, mentor us… they were in the midst of raising very young children and we learned so much that way!
Andrea says
Thanks for these ideas, Leanne — so glad to hear from someone just a few years ahead of us!
Natalia says
What a lovely post! (pun intended) So rich in great advise and so lovely written, I smiled and felt encouraged with every sentence! Thank you, Andrea!
Andrea says
Thanks friend! cute pun 🙂
JJ says
This was so well said and organized, and you shared so many awesome resources. Right Now Media has a lot of great marriage resources that we had used(His Needs Her Needs was a favorite!). They are offering some of their stuff for free due to Covid. I’m not sure if the marriage stuff is included. We did Les and Leslie Parrot’s The Good Fight video series. They talk about once a week having a time to share withholds. So you would do it in a sandwich method: something positive you heard or saw your spouse do that you didn’t get to specifically praise or tell them how much it meant or what an impact they made; something that hurt or upset you that you didn’t get to address; end with something positive. The only thing the person listening can say is, “Thank you.” Then the person who was listening shares their 3 things. AFTER 30 minutes if what was shared needs to be addressed more, it can be. But it gives time to process and deal with things in a healthier manner. I really loved this! It sets up great boundaries to share feelings and to deal with them.
My husband and I are polar opposites in tendencies and personalities. The pastor who did our premarital counseling said we were the most opposite he’d ever seen, and it could cause serious problems. I like a challenge. ♀️Honestly, I’ve learned so much from my polar opposite that I feel we have both been sharpened and learned so much. I’m extroverted and struggled to understand introverts and how to help them not be overwhelmed by my extrovertedness. I’ve been enlightened a lot, and it’s helped me to better love introverts.
We are opposite of you guys and have whethered crazy family storms from both sides, but it really strengthened us in ways we wouldn’t have been strengthened and changed us in ways we needed that other circumstances wouldn’t have shaped us. Love is a verb, and he’s always in action. I love how you shared examples of what true love looks like. And a brownie recipe to end it all!!! That’s true love for your readers, haha!!! Thanks, Andrea!!!
Andrea says
This is awesome — thanks for sharing the Sandwich Method!
And yes, I do use the Right Now Media for so many things (but I wasn’t sure how long it would be free so I didn’t mention it in this post)
I love everything you said here in your comment — such a wealth of helpful information for everyone who reads through the comments (I know so many people do).
Enjoy the brownies 🙂
Christina says
Is this your parents in the photo on the beach??? It’s such a sweet photo!
Excellent article, as always! We live our lives very similar and while are in a different season of life, there is still some great insight and tips. I always take away something worthwhile here. Thanks!
Andrea says
no — that’s just a free stock photo 🙂 But yes, it is a cute picture!
Thanks for your encouragement, Christina!
Vicki VandeStreek says
Well done. Excellent content.
Sarah says
Such great advice Andrea! ❤️
Janet Wallar says
I think one thing important to say – there are some situations where unhealthy relationships where verbal/physical/emotional/financial abuse is a factory where the best option is to leave the relationship, even for a temporary separation.
Leaving does not always mean you failed – sometimes it means you were strong and succeeded.
Andrea says
oh yes — definitely!
I guess that’s what I was referring to when I wrote to “create boundaries. Maybe I should be more clear! Thanks 🙂
Aura says
Thank you for pointing out that detail. I waited to leave until I was strong enough, and haven’t looked back since. One of the best decisions of my life!
Leann says
Thank you for this! Such a refreshing reminder of what realistic love looks like.
Deborah says
The commitment of doing life together, of laughing together, of cheering for each other, working through things together… Yes~I am thankful for these things and for my man! I like romance, but daily life and gratitude and togetherness are huge blessings!
Reba Anderson says
You and I must have married the same guy..very much alike.My marriage only lasted 65 years,he died last March. The most memorable thing he ever gave me for birthday was a cement mixer which we used to build a sea wall. At least he got the color right BRIGHT ORANGE.